The Letters
by sunburntdaisy
Summary: mark-susan. what if they wrote letters? starts season 3 (post union station...) second to last chapter just posted. let me know what you want to know in the last one.
1. The Current Plan Of Attack

'Union Station' (season 3) was a cop out.   
  
He confesses he loves her, finally… and then she says she loves him.  
  
She leaves anyway, which is understandable, but what in no way makes sense, is that they never wrote. I never have the strength to stay away from the people I love. And while Susan and Mark are both strong personalities, in this story at least they're not as frustratingly stupid.  
  
This will be… the Letters. The ones that SHOULD have been written. And what SHOULD have happened as a result.   
  
Note: anyone who's read my other stories knows where I stand on Elizabeth, so that gets her out of the picture without a lot of effort on my part.   
  
Note2: to people who like writing reviews: should I make this a cordano as well? I could. Quite easily, as the key parties arrive shortly after this starts. Or maybe not, it's a long few season after they arrive until they're anywhere near compatible. We'll see. Let me know what you think. 


	2. Dear Mark

Dear Mark,  
  
I don't know what to say, and I know you find that hard to believe. I want to talk to you. I want to see you. Did you hear me at the station? I yelled back but you might have missed it. Here's the gist of it: I love you.   
  
I don't quite know what that entails and I don't know what to do with it, but I've got a feeling you need to know. I hate goodbyes, which is why I left without really saying any. Thank you for coming to the station.   
  
Everyone says they'll keep in touch – it's a common formality, and I don't really care that maybe no one else will. But I need you to. I've been here a week. I almost look settled but I feel like I've left everything behind – I swear there's another box that never made it or something. And everything that I seam to have lost in transit is not all I've left behind. I miss you. Write soon.  
  
Yours,   
  
Sus 


	3. Dear Susan

Dear Susan  
  
You have no idea how much I needed your letter. I've worked every waking hour since you left but I got your letter and I stopped. I'll have it memorized by the end of the week. Do you have your phone hooked up yet? I need to hear your voice.   
  
I'm so sorry for waiting so long to tell you – I guess I never seriously thought you'd leave. Or maybe I just didn't know how much it would hurt when you did. You haven't missed much. In fact I'm kind of glad no one got the last ten days of my life on tape and sent it to you. Not only would it be boring but you never knew I was so pathetic. And now I've gone and told you. Who am I kidding? You knew. You pretty much know it all. And the weird bit is that I don't really mind. In fact I like it that way – feels like how it should be. Don't let me scare you away. I'm on a roll – spilling my guts I mean.  
  
I'll leave it there, get myself a journal  
  
More yours than you know,  
  
Mark. 


	4. Not fair

I'm going to sound like a child, which won't surprise you, but this isn't fair. Don't get a journal, I want to hear it. I can hear you reading your letters when I read them. Yeah, I know, I'm hearing voices, I'll give myself a CT tomorrow if I have time. I tried to call you but I guess you must have been working or sleeping or something. I'll keep trying.  
  
It's been crazy here – Chloe really doesn't want to be helped. I've almost convinced her to get into a rehab program – several times. It's like she doesn't think anything is wrong most of the time. Suzie, my niece, knows better. She can sense it or something. Ever see that move 'baby genius'? Apparently kids under the age of 2 have super-intelligence that they lose as soon as they learn to talk anything other than gaa gaa. Suzie's always upset when Chloe is high, even when Chloe's asleep. At least you know I'd much rather be with you. Not that there's an awful lot of competition. Well, there are a couple of cute interns… don't even think it.  
  
Life's a lot slower here. Work actually has slow days. Now I know you don't know what that's like. You probably wouldn't like it. Under your charming exterior I'm beginning to suspect there's a workaholic hiding. I'm feeling pretty pathetic actually – I want to tell you to eat properly and get enough sleep. Not that I think it would make any difference – I know you too well.  
  
I have to go, Suzie's crying and Chloe won't notice. Hey, my bad. Chloe is up. It amazes me how little faith I have in her. I wish I dared to but I'm so scared for Suzie. If it wasn't for her I'd be back on that train in a moment. I can't do anything for Chloe – not unless she wants me to. But maybe I can save Suzie. Maybe I can do something, anything, to make it better for her. She's quiet now. I should get some sleep while I can.  
  
Miss you.  
  
Sus 


	5. Waiting

Dear Susan  
  
You are amazing. I was about to beg you to come back. But you are where you need to be. Chloe doesn't deserve you, but then neither do I. I could take some annual leave and come visit. I miss you like crazy. I'm almost jealous of those interns. I want to hear you laugh at me – like you're so good at doing. Go on, I'll pretend I can hear you. And then I'll tell you how beautiful you are, if words can do it. And then I'll wake up.  
  
Call me Thursday night. I'll wait for you.   
  
I don't want to write anymore, I want to talk to you. Every time the phone rings I have to tell myself NOT to think that it's you. It doesn't work very well. And you think you're pathetic. You know I can take that one hands down. But I'll have you know I only ate ONE meal at McGoos today. Coffees don't count. And I'll get 7 hours sleep tonight, or I would have if I hadn't written this letter. Forgive me. 6 hours and ten minutes and counting.  
  
Goodnight.  
  
Love you.  
  
Mark 


	6. Your voice

9:53 pm. Susan flicked through the charts piled atop the desk. What would take 7 minutes?  
  
Meanwhile…  
  
Mark flicked off the tv. Nothing on. Didn't seem to matter how many channels there were. He walked into the kitchen and opened the fridge. He should really clean that out sometime. Susan would be horrified if she saw her fridge like that. This living in her old apartment wasn't helping him to miss her any less. He pulled out a pizza box and put the last two slices of pizza in the microwave. Then the phone rang. He sprinted into the lounge, cleared his couch in a flying leap and picked it up after two rings.  
  
"Hello?" He said hopefully  
  
"Ah, yeah Mark." Not Susan. "I was wondering if you could trade shifts…" Kerry.  
  
"Yup, sure. Can we talk about this tomorrow?"   
  
"Well, don't you want to know when?"  
  
"Na, I'll do it. I have to go." He hung up desperately hoping Susan hadn't tried to call in the last 30 seconds. He returned to the kitchen, flicking on the radio as he walked past. 'Great' he thought 'Just what I need' – The oldies station he liked was playing 'Someone like You'(Van Morrison).   
  
He knew he should turn it off but part of him relished loving her this desperately. If she didn't call he'd be devastated. He returned to the couch with his pizza.  
  
And back in Arizona…  
  
Susan stole a look at the clock as she resumed compressions. 11:07 pm. She should have just left early. But, no, she had to take one more patient. And then a trauma. But she had a feeling this trauma was almost over. Thirty minutes of compressions and she was completely drained. The other doctor pronounced the patient at 11:15 and Susan fled.  
  
When she got home she checked on Suzie, then Chloe. Both asleep in bed – 'thank God' she whispered into the darkness and made straight for the phone. It was ringing. Still ringing.  
  
"Hi, this is Mark's phone. He funs a fanatic lifestyle, or it runs him, and for whatever reason he cannot pick up. So leave a message and when he stops to breath he'll ring you back."  
  
Susan laughed but she was gutted. It beeped.  
  
"Hey Mark. It's Friday morning."   
  
Mark was dreaming. He knew it. She was telling him it was morning. He should get up but he didn't want the dream to end.  
  
"I want to talk to you. I'm so sorry I couldn't get to a phone – trauma came in at the end of my shift."  
  
He half opened his eyes. Weird dream – he could still hear her.  
  
"You're probably asleep – taking my advice."  
  
He turned around and saw the phone – of course!  
  
"Maybe this will wake you up. Well, if you miss it, I'm at 602…" He picked up.  
  
"Susan?" he almost dropped the phone he went at it with such haste.  
  
"Mark." She grinned. "Oh my gosh, I thought I'd missed you."  
  
"I thought you'd forgotten."  
  
"Ha. Not likely." She laughed.  
  
He shut his eyes and took a deep breath. That laugh…  
  
"You there?"  
  
"Yeah. I'm here. It's so good to hear you laugh."   
  
"Did I wake you up?"  
  
"Yeah, but I was just on the couch so you saved me from tomorrow's back ache."  
  
"Anytime." She laughed. "Gosh it's good to hear your voice."  
  
"Yeah, same back atcha." But this was actually more painful than just letters. "How was work?"  
  
"Fairly quiet, just steady, until the last five minutes of my shift. I was meant to be off at ten. I almost called you on my break but then I thought I'd wait till I got home and had more time. Didn't really happen as I planned."  
  
"It's okay. I'm just glad I woke up when I did. I thought I was dreaming – it was really weird."  
  
"You should probably get some sleep – you must be exhausted if you fell asleep on the couch."  
  
"What's really surprising is that I left pizza uneaten."  
  
"Flip, there must be something wrong."  
  
"No, it wasn't that appealing – finishing pizza was my first attempt at cleaning the fridge. You'd be appalled."  
  
She laughed. "And you were trying to convince me you were eating better?"  
  
"You know better eh?"  
  
"Absolutely."  
  
"Come home."  
  
"I can't. You have no idea how much I want to."  
  
"I have a fair idea."  
  
"Okay." She whispered. It ached to miss him this much.  
  
"How's Suzie?"  
  
"She's doing okay. No different really."  
  
"What about Chloe?"  
  
"It's been a good few days – I don't want to get my hopes up though."  
  
"I wish I could do something."  
  
"I wish I could do something. Maybe I'm wasting my time."  
  
"I don't believe it Susan. They need you. And as much as I want you here, SO much, I know you – if you can do something, ANYTHING, you'll do it. And that's the Susan I love. Meanwhile, I'm not going anywhere. Every bone in my body is screaming for you but I'll wait for you."  
  
"Thank you." She whispered, not wanting him to know she was crying. "I love you."  
  
He could tell she was crying. "Are you in bed?"  
  
"No, it was next on my list."  
  
"Well, go on. I'll sing you to sleep."  
  
She laughed.  
  
"Hey, I'm a great singer. Well I am when I'm not drunk. Or maybe it's the other way around. I guess you'll just have to wait and see."  
  
"Okay. I'll be right back." She put the phone on her bedside table and changed into her pyjamas in record time.  
  
"Hey." She said as she got into bed.  
  
"Hi." He was grateful she couldn't see his ridiculous grin.  
  
"So what are you going to sing?"  
  
"Um, Dream dream dream dream, when I want you in my arms, when I want you and all your charms. Whenever I want you all I have to do is dream dream dream."  
  
They both cracked up laughing.  
  
"Okay, I'll try again." He got off the couch and wandered into his bedroom. "Don't be so hard on yourself, those tears are for someone else. I hear your voice on the phone. I hear you feel so alone, my baby… my baby, please my baby, my baby."  
  
She was silent.  
  
"Are you asleep?"  
  
"No. Keep going? I don't know that song. Are you making it up?"  
  
"Don't cry… you're not alone. Don't cry… tonight my baby. Don't cry… you'll always be loved. Don't cry… tonight my baby. Na, I'm not making it up – I'm flattered. It's Seal."  
  
"Oh." She whispered. Knowing he was on the other end of the phone was comforting. She didn't need to say anything.  
  
"Are you okay?" He asked her silence.  
  
"Yeah. What time are you on tomorrow?"  
  
"Seven."  
  
"Mark! You'll be shattered."  
  
"No, I'm at the point where I'm better off staying awake then going to sleep and having to get up again."  
  
"Nice theory."  
  
"But I don't think I'll be able to stay awake. I just don't want to hang up."  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"I could just sing us both to sleep."  
  
"Goodnight Mark."  
  
"Okay. Goodnight."  
  
She hung up and let herself cry. While no one else was awake, so no one would be concerned. While it was dark and she could almost pretend he was there, holding her as she drifted off to sleep. 


	7. Opposites Attract

Dear Mark  
  
We must be working opposite shifts or something. I can't seem to get hold of you. It was so good to talk to you last week. You can sing me to sleep anytime.   
  
Man, it's so hot here. It's been dry and dusty and about a hundred degrees all day. Now it's darker and a tiny bit cooler but pretty much just as impossible to get comfortable. But at least I'm not at work. I'm so tired. I'd have a cold bath if I had the energy to get up. Come and make me laugh. Chloe is out tonight and Suzie's been restless all day. I had the day off, so Chloe took her chance and took off sometime this afternoon when she got out of bed. I've given up trying to get through to her. But I'm scared it's going to get worse before she'll let it get any better.  
  
Anyway, how's County? You haven't told me anything? I almost miss it. You know – watching Doug and Carol go back and forth, arguing with Kerry, or just talking about her behind her back with you, like eighth graders complaining about their teacher. But there's only one thing I really miss… Doc MacGoo's. Had you for a minute there eh? Do I need to say it? I miss you. If you were here you could get me a cold glass of water. Or just a glass of ice cubes – they'd melt about as fast as I could drink it anyway.  
  
If you were here…  
  
No, I can't do it. I don't want to think about what I'm missing out on. It's hard enough to stay here as it is.  
  
I'm going to make a last ditch attempt at sleeping despite the fact that I'm living in a desert. Aren't they meant to get really cold at night? It's lies, all lies.  
  
Blah. I feel yuck.  
  
Do we need to plan when to phone? Well if we don't talk before Thursday we could try that again. No traumas in the last 5 minutes. And that goes for you too.  
  
Okay, I'm past it.   
  
Adios  
  
Susan 


	8. Goodmorning

Susan pulled herself out of bed. Suzie had been crying for several minutes and Chloe hadn't noticed apparently.   
  
Carrying Suzie she wandered into Chloe's room. She wasn't there. No surprise really. But no matter what happened Susan couldn't really give up hope for her sister. Even if it was all for Suzie's benefit now.  
  
The phone rang. Susan ran to her room, still balancing Suzie on her hip.  
  
"Hey, Susan here."  
  
"Hey." Mark.  
  
"Oh hi." She smiled.  
  
Suzie squealed happily.  
  
"Oh, should I call back?" Mark asked.  
  
"Na, just hold on for a sec." Susan went into the living room and put the phone on the coffee table while she pulled out Suzie's few toys from underneath the table. Picking up the phone she let Suzie down onto the floor.  
  
"Hey." She sighed.  
  
"You okay?" he asked concerned.  
  
"Yah. You should try this single parenting thing sometime. It's quite a job."  
  
Mark lay back in bed, he'd just woken up and his first thought was to call her so he did. And she was there! "Where's Chloe?"  
  
"Who knows." Susan rearranged coloured blocks in front her on the rug. Suzie was happily rolling a toy car backward and forward knocking all the other toys out of the way. "But she'll turn up sometime today and I won't even ask. Suzie will go to her as if she were the perfect mum. Oh gosh, that sounded bitter."  
  
"No it didn't but I think you'd be justified if that were the case."  
  
"No I wouldn't – she's my sister. It shouldn't matter what she's doing, what she's done. You know what I want? I want to take Suzie and go back to Chicago and somehow, now this is the hard part, not care that Chloe is screwing up her life."  
  
"But you can't?"  
  
"Nope, I can't."  
  
"That's a good thing Susan."  
  
"I'll take your word on it."  
  
"Do you know how amazing you are?"  
  
"Na, this isn't so bad – I just get immense joy from whining, and you are my unfortunate victim. I mean, Suzie's quite happy playing by herself, and Chloe's absence isn't all bad – Suzie's never so happy when Chloe's high. So today I'll take Chloe into work with me, we'll eat breakfast at Arizona's version of Doc McGoo's, and I won't have to worry about her cause she'll be at daycare."  
  
"Sounds good." He wasn't convinced.  
  
"Yeah." She had the blocks piled up in a stack that Suzie then smacked over. Apparently this was an improvement on the car so Suzie took the bricks and proceeded to make towers and break them down. Over and over… Susan laughed.  
  
"What?" Mark asked, wishing he could see her.  
  
"Oh, just Suzie – she's making towers and smashing them. It's quite dramatic actually. Hey, how's Rachel?"  
  
"Good. Yeah, I got her a dog for her birthday. So did Craig. We're quite the family."  
  
"Great minds eh?" Susan half-laughed  
  
"That's what he said."  
  
Suzie toddled over to her aunt and gracefully fell into her lap. "Oh, come here baby," Susan hugged the little girl.  
  
"I'm guessing that was aimed at a gorgeous blonde?" Mark laughed.  
  
"What makes you so sure?" Susan laughed. "I think she needs to be changed."  
  
"Well I don't so much mind if the first one was aimed at me, but I really hope that wasn't."  
  
Susan laughed, "I should go. Get us some breakfast. Make myself decent. You know, go to work. All that jazz."  
  
"Yeah. Okay. Well, I'll talk to you later."  
  
"I'll try and be less distracted."  
  
"Oh, don't worry bout it, I'm used to it."  
  
Susan laughed. "I'll see you later Mark."  
  
"Okay. Love you." He forced himself to say what he wanted to say – despite being a little scared to say it.  
  
Susan knew how hard that was for him. "Mark, wait." She wanted to stop him hanging up.  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"I love you too." Susan breathed. Suzie squealed again. "I have to go."  
  
"Bye." He smiled again.  
  
Susan put the phone back in her room and set about getting Suzie ready to go, with an uncommon grin on her face. 


	9. Long Time Till Thursday

It was a good week – well, so far. And considering Susan was still in Arizona. Monday morning he talked to her. Tuesday he had a fantastic day at work. The amount of pleasure it gave him to get a leg over Kerry was ridiculous, but he didn't care. He'd been taking prospective med students around – to show them the ropes, get them interested. All his students had signed up. None of Kerry's. And when he got home Susan's letter was in his box.  
  
He had an idea. It was a bit rash, but that was part of its appeal. He was in Anspaugh's good graces so now was better than ever.  
  
Thursday. It was beginning to be Susan's favourite day of the week. She was working until ten, again. But with something to go home to it was a piece of cake.  
  
She ended up leaving ten minutes early. Chloe was home and asleep. Suzie was asleep and quiet. Things couldn't be more perfect. She got ready for bed and lay in bed talking to him until she could hardly keep her eyes open. Then he sung her to sleep but out of concern for her phone bill he hung up before he fell asleep.  
  
Susan pulled the curtain shut so her patient could change into the hospital gown and went to get a nurse. She was clearing the board fairly easily. She even had time to get all the details on the charts as she did them rather than racking her brains afterward. Next, severe cramps. 'Easy', she thought taking the chart and walking out to chairs to locate the patient. She looked down to find the name and when she looked up again a figure walking in the sliding doors caught her attention.  
  
It couldn't be.  
  
He looked around like he was lost, or looking for something. Then he saw her. And only when that smile lit up his face did she really believe it was Mark. She put the chart on the counter behind her. Someone tried to tell her it wasn't finished but she didn't hear them. She walked around the chairs to be enveloped in a long-awaited embrace. He gathered her to him like no one else was in the room. She was just as unaware of her surroundings. She held him as tight as she could.   
  
They let go just long enough to check their eyes weren't deceiving them. Both grinned like complete idiots. Staff and patients alike were watching. A few patients giggled. A few of the staff asked each other if they knew who he was.  
  
The couple became a little more aware of their audience.  
  
"Do you have a break soon?"  
  
Susan checked her watch. "Half an hour."  
  
"Okay." He apparently planned to wait in chairs.  
  
"No, come through to the lounge. Have some bad coffee and steal someone else's food from the fridge." She took his hand and led him through to the lounge. As soon as the door shut behind them Susan turned to him.  
  
"You're here?"  
  
"I couldn't stay away." He offered hopelessly.  
  
She pulled him close again. She couldn't believe he was really there. Or how much he was affecting her. 'Pull yourself together.' She told herself hopelessly. She looked up at him. Their eyes locked. Grins had faded to amazement. He had been a little better prepared for this – he knew he was coming. But he wasn't prepared for this. He lifted his hand to touch her face. She closed her eyes.  
  
"I can't." she pulled away. "Not now."  
  
"Sorry." He stepped back and nervously rubbed his neck. "You're right. Go back to work. I'll wait here."  
  
"Okay." She grabbed his hand and gave it a quick kiss. "Thank you." She smiled at him and walked back into the lion's den.  
  
"So… Who was that?" the admin clerk raised her eyebrows  
  
"A friend – um, from Chicago." Susan grabbed a chart and escaped to find her next patient.  
  
When she was finished she tried to get onto the next with as little contact with other staff as possible. She wasn't ready to answer questions about Mark. Who was he? Her best friend? Easy. Her boyfriend? Ugh – sounded so high school. Go with best friend. But even with an answer prepared she didn't want to be answering questions ABOUT Mark. She wanted to be with him. Twenty minutes till a break, and then two hours till her shift was over. Surely she could get out of it.  
  
When she returned to admin the clerk asked, "You off on your break now?"  
  
"Um, yeah. Don't suppose I could leave early if I skipped it?"  
  
"You'll have to talk to Miller." The woman nodded at curtain two.   
  
Susan ducked her head in to curtain two. "Hey, any chance I can take off early today?"  
  
"Well…" Miller snipped the end of the suture on the patients forehead and turned to Susan, "I might be able to cover for you. Depends, what's this for?"  
  
"Um, my best friend has just turned up out of the blue from Chicago and I kinda…"  
  
"Your friend? I don't think I can cover your shift so you can hang with JUST an old friend. Old lover on the other hand?"  
  
"Mark isn't…"  
  
"Shame."  
  
"Okay, okay. He's not JUST an old friend. He's not and old lover. He's… it's hard to explain."  
  
"Well when you figure out the definition I'm first to know, so get out of here." Miller waved her away.   
  
"Thanks." Susan half-squealed and forced herself to walk at a normal pace to the lounge. The pushed the door open, stepped inside and leaned back on the door. "All done."   
  
Mark looked up from the magazine he was reading.  
  
"Really?" he grinned.  
  
"Yeah, well. Bribery and Corruption. Anyway, I'll just get changed and then we can go." She opened her locker, took her bag out. Mark stood up.  
  
"You really bribed someone didn't you?"  
  
"Wouldn't you like to know?" she laughed "Be right back." She dipped into the ladies room to change.  
  
When she came out his first words were, " You know I wouldn't be interested in this bribe if you didn't refuse to tell me?"  
  
"Yup." She grinned, laughter in her eyes. He just smiled at her – kind of coyly.  
  
"What?" She questioned his stare.  
  
"Nothing. Shall we?" he pulled open the door and followed her out of the ER. 


	10. Heaven

Susan put their mugs in the sink and went back to the lounge. Mark was kneeling on the floor tidying Suzie's blocks.  
  
Susan ran her hand down his back and sat cross-legged beside him.  
  
"Here, let me." She took two blocks at a time and quickly built a wobbly tower as tall as the coffee table.  
  
"Very nice." He grinned, "But I think we need to find you some friends outside of your play group."  
  
Susan smiled. "No, this is therapy." She swiped her hand at the middle of the tower in Suzie-style. "It's very therapeutic."  
  
Mark laughed. There was so much to say and neither of them knew where to start.  
  
"How about this." He built a pyramid but there weren't enough blocks for the top stone.  
  
"You win." She yawned. "Sorry, it's not you. I'm just tired."  
  
"Go have a nap if you want. I'm not going anywhere."  
  
"How long can you stay?"  
  
"I haven't really finalised things. And I haven't even organised a place to stay but I saw a hotel down the block from the hospital."  
  
"Don't be ridiculous. Stay here." She stood up and pulled him up after her.  
  
"I don't know if that's a good idea." He forced himself to say. He WANTED to stay there. But what about Chloe and Suzie. And anything more intimate than playing with building blocks and he'd be absolutely lost – they'd only just started this relationship. Well, that wasn't true – he'd seen her virtually every day for several years. But he didn't know what she wanted from him. He didn't want to push his luck.  
  
"Mark, how ever long you're staying is not nearly long enough and I want to see as much of you as I can. Plus, if you like you can sleep on the couch, there's no pressure for…" awkward territory. They were good at the friends stuff – they'd had years to perfect it. This was all new.  
  
He smiled goofily. "It's not that I don't want to. I just want to get this right."  
  
She smiled softly and took his hand. "Don't look so embarrassed then. That's a good thing."  
  
"You are so beautiful." He cupped her face with one hand.   
  
She smiled, "You're not so bad yourself." She took his hand from her face and lifted them both to her lips. "And in the interest of getting this right, I'm going to go have that nap." She turned and went into her room. He followed and stopped outside the door. She was sitting on her bed taking her shoes off. She pulled the ribbon out of her hair. And lay back, her feet still on the floor. She looked at Mark upside down and grinned.  
  
"Goodnight sleepy." He turned to walk away.  
  
"Sing me to sleep." She called him back.  
  
He walked nervously back into her room while she got under the covers. He took off his shoes and sat cross-legged on the bed beside her. "Any requests?" he whispered  
  
She turned on her side and looked at him. "Go for the sappy and romantic."   
  
She knew she was moving very fast. He was dearer every moment. She didn't want to let her heart go to a man who lived a day's journey away. But her resolve was weakening.  
  
"Ain't no sunshine when she's gone. It's not warm when she's away. Ain't no sunshine when she's gone and she's always gone too long every time she goes away. I wonder this time where she's gone, wonder if she's gone to stay. Ain't no sunshine when she's gone and this house just ain't a home anytime she goes away."  
  
Her eyes were shut and she was smiling but she wasn't asleep yet.  
  
"I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know… I ought to leave the young thing alone, but there ain't no sunshine when she's gone." He lifted her fringe off where it had fallen across her eyes. She smiled but kept her eyes shut, savouring his touch. He lowered himself so he was lying beside her, resting this head on one arm.  
  
"We should be right here, get through all these fears. One of these days. Cause when it comes around, we should be right here, one of these days… this could be heaven… maybe we can start a life today …this could be heaven… love is that I've thrown it all away, this could be heaven… who ever thought we would get this far, tried for all these years. The thought that we would fade away is more than I could bear. I would do anything if you would stay, if you'd stay… we should be right here get through all these fears, one of these days…" he was getting sleepy.  
  
"This could be heaven." She whispered, "If you'd stay." And then drifted off to sleep happier than she'd been in a long time. Mark watched her a little longer then slept too. 


	11. Not dreaming

When Susan woke Mark was still fast asleep. She sat up slowly so as not to wake him and tip toed out of her room. Chloe was back – she was in the kitchen trying to make some Dinner. Suzie was happily playing on the floor. They were the perfect picture of domesticity.  
  
"Hey." Susan smiled at the mess.  
  
"Hey," Chloe turned to her sister, "Nice nap?"  
  
"Yeah. Mark's still…"  
  
"I know. I can be unashamedly voyeuristic when I feel the need." Chloe laughed. "So what's going on? I mean you looked like two kids having an afternoon nap. It's cute."  
  
"Oh, you know. I was tired after work and he joined me. We just slept. Nothing happened."  
  
"Hey, I didn't ask." Chloe returned to a saucepan.  
  
"What are we having?" Susan crouched down to play with Suzie.  
  
"Hopefully spaghetti and meatballs. But we'll see. My meatballs won't hold together so I might just pretend its spaghetti bolognaise."  
  
Susan laughed. "Nice walk?"   
  
"Yeah. But I think the swings were the highlight."  
  
"She certainly loves them." Susan picked up her niece and pretended to dance with her. "Don't you – nothing but the swing. It don't mean a thing if you ain't got that swing." She sang playfully.  
  
"He's good for you." Chloe commented  
  
"Who? Mark?"  
  
"No, the cute intern you refuse to introduce me to." Chloe slurped some meat sauce off the end of the wooden spoon.  
  
Susan laughed. "Now that's hygienic."  
  
"Don't change the subject." Chloe put the spoon back into the frying pan. "So tell me, what's happening?"  
  
"He's visiting."  
  
"Really?" she teased, "But who is he – your friend? Boyfriend?"  
  
"He's my best friend." Susan said, keeping her eyes on Suzie to avoid her sister's glare.  
  
"I want DETAILS."  
  
"I know. But it's complicated. He lives in Chicago and I live here."  
  
"So why did you leave?"  
  
"You know why I'm here. And I didn't know he could be my reason to stay in Chicago when I left. Everything has changed. But it'll be fine. We'll figure it out." Susan was still dancing with Suzie when Mark walked in.  
  
"Smells amazing." He blinked the sleep out of his eyes.  
  
"Thanks." Chloe turned around. "You know what it needs thought? Cheese. You can't have spaghetti bolognaise without cheese. Well, I can't. So, if you two would go for a wander and get us some this should be ready by the time you get back." She took Suzie from Susan and put her on the floor amongst her toys. "Go on, too many cooks."  
  
"Right, okay." Susan smiled at Mark, "I'll just get my coat."  
  
Mark followed her out of the kitchen. "Are you sure it's okay for me to stay?"  
  
"Yes. Absolutely. Chloe is so keen to know what's going on between us that I'd say we can get away with anything at this point." She laughed.  
  
They sat on opposite sides of Susan's bed and put their shoes on. "Hey, where's your luggage?" Susan suddenly asked as she pulled her coat out of her wardrobe.  
  
"Oh, right. I forgot about that. I left it in a locker at the train station. Is that far from here? I'm totally lost."  
  
Susan laughed. "No, it's only 5 blocks, and we can get the cheese at the convenience store there. Are you one of those kids who were told they would have lost their head if it weren't screwed on right?"  
  
"That's the one." He nodded as they exited the apartment.  
  
"Be back soon." Susan called and shut the door.  
  
In the kitchen Suzie squeeled and laughed.  
  
"That's right honey," Chloe knelt down beside her daughter, "She's totally in love."  
  
Suzie laughed some more.  
  
"You have no idea what I'm talking about do you? Cause it's not really a laughing matter." Chloe felt bad for pulling Susan away from this man she obviously adored. And she spent the rest of the time she made dinner thinking about what she could do to convince Susan to go back. 


	12. Don't leave

They returned to an almost normal family dinner. Mark was fairly quiet, but that was to be expected. When Suzie had finished her bowl-full Chloe went to get her ready for bed.  
  
"Today's been a good day." Susan had finished and Mark was almost done.  
  
"It has." He agreed, licking his fork thoroughly.  
  
"I mean, it would have been good anyway – Chloe's been amazing. But I'll never settle for mediocre again. You may have single-handedly ruined my happy-go-lucky attitude forever." She looked at him as if he should have some excuse or apology.  
  
"I will not apologise," he put his knife and fork on his plate and looked her square in the face, "because I could not bring myself to mean it. And such dishonesty is unacceptable." He cocked his head to one side, a silly smile gracing his lips and a little spaghetti sauce to boot. She wanted to kiss him – wipe the spaghetti sauce and the silly smile, put his mouth to better use…  
  
"What are you thinking?" he stood and took their plates.   
  
She followed with their empty glasses. "I was wondering what you were saving that spaghetti sauce for."  
  
"What sauce?" he turned on the hot tap and turned to face her while it warmed.  
  
She reached up and wiped it away with her thumb, then reached around him to wash her thumb under the faucet. They were so close he could smell her shampoo. She looked up at him, fully aware that if he kissed her now they'd never get those dishes done. So she flicked her wet hand in his face, spraying him with water.  
  
"Hey…" he wiped his face. "You know if this was my kitchen you'd be getting soaked right now. But because I am the gentleman I am, I'll get my revenge later." He flashed her a hardly-evil grin  
  
She just laughed. "I'm drying."  
  
Chloe poked her head into the kitchen, as they were finishing up.  
  
"Oh, you didn't have to do that." She leaned on the doorframe.  
  
"No problem." Susan grinned.  
  
"Thanks for dinner, it was great." Mark grabbed Susan's tea towel to dry his hands.  
  
"Okay, well I'm going to bed. So have a nice evening." She disappeared.  
  
They finished in silence. Mark leaned back on the bench on one side of the kitchen, Susan on the other. They just looked at each other. And when she thought she couldn't bear it anymore, he closed the gap between them. He rested his forehead on hers and searched her eyes. His stare was so penetrating she could hardly stand it. He ran the back of his hand up her side and she shut her eyes.  
  
"Susan?" he whispered hoarsely.  
  
"Yeah." She breathed, her eyes still closed.  
  
"Is this okay?"  
  
"Better than that." She opened her eyes and smiled at him. "Come on." She led him to her room.  
  
She sat him on the end of her bed and pulled his shoes off, putting them beside hers. She was so nervous. Mark could tell. He grabbed her hands as she was about to start on his socks.  
  
"Relax." He whispered.  
  
"Okay." She sighed and sat beside him. "I just want to get this right." she turned to face him.  
  
He looked at her for a minute then took off his glasses as if to see her properly. "I know it's a terrible cliché, but I must be the luckiest guy in the world."  
  
Susan laughed. "You're not good for my ego." She shook her head.  
  
"Hey, I just call it how I see it." He stood up and put his glasses on her bedside table. "I have a question for you." He looked at her very seriously.  
  
"Go on." She swivelled on her bed so she was facing him.  
  
"May I have this dance?"  
  
She nodded, stood up and took his hand, stepping easily into his arms. "What are we dancing to?"  
  
"It's the music of the spheres – too perfect for human ears. Better than my singing even, believe it or not."  
  
She pulled him closer. "I don't know how to let you go." She whispered into his collar.  
  
"So don't." he ran one hand up her arm to her face and made her look at him. Her eyes were brimming with tears. One escaped and he tentatively wiped it away with his thumb.  
  
"I won't." her voice broke. He held her eye contact and kissed her top lip so softly she wasn't even sure he'd not kissed the air and she'd just felt the electricity. He kissed her again and this time there was no question. She wasn't sure if she were standing or floating. She ran her hands up his back pulling him as close as she could without causing damage. After only moments of this Mark picked her up and softly laid her on her bed.  
  
"Oh, wait." A thought suddenly hit her, "I haven't got anything."  
  
Mark sat heavily on the bed beside her. "Neither." He sighed. "I wasn't expecting. I mean…"  
  
She sat up, running one hand across his back. "Do you have any idea how sweet you are?"  
  
"Feeling pretty silly right now actually."  
  
"Well, I guess it just depends on what kind of commitment this is."  
  
He turned to face her. "Don't say that Susan, you may not have noticed but I'm teetering on the brink of control right now."  
  
"You're not the only one, but I should know better – I live with a single mum."  
  
"Susan, you would never bring up our children alone." He looked at her earnestly.  
  
"I know." She held his eyes. "Mark, you should know. I'm falling for you. I don't know if I want to because it isn't easy and you're so much to risk…"  
  
"Susan." He stopped her. "I fell in love with you… I can't even remember when. I'm not ducking out of this one. I couldn't if I wanted to. I'm all yours. But tonight is your call." He left the question in his eyes. She knew her answer and softly nodded her head, pulling him down beside her. 


	13. Tears

4 days later…  
  
Mark walked into the ER a little aware of the recognition of some staff members. Susan pointed to the lounge when she saw him and tried to get on with her patient as little distracted as possible. Ten minutes later she escaped to find him. He wasn't in the lounge like she'd expected. She quickly changed out of her work clothes into the semi-formal skirt and jacket he'd not-so-subtly suggested she should wear to dinner. 'I must actually be imagining things.' She thought as she exited the lounge. He walked through the sliding doors and met her only a few feet from the threshold.  
  
"Weren't you here before?" she asked confused and kissed him in greeting as the left the ER.  
  
"Um, yeah. I saw you weren't quite finished so went down the road for these." He pulled a bouquet of sunflowers from behind his back. "The florist said they were a symbol of devotion and faithfulness. So I decided to give them to my best friend…"  
  
Susan grinned. "Thank you." She reached up for another kiss, slightly more lingering than the one that had become their common greeting. "I love them."  
  
"Because she might doubt my devotion and faithfulness when I'm a several hundred miles away."  
  
"No she won't."  
  
"Good." He slid his arm around her waist and kissed her forehead as they started walking down the road.  
  
"So where are we going?"  
  
He tapped his nose, "You all excited?"  
  
"Yes. I've given you far too much time by yourself so you could have come up with anything."  
  
"I'll give you a hint. 'In my life'" he spoke the memorized lyrics sing-songing bits of them, "'she has burst like the music of angels, the light of the sun. And my life seems to stop as if something is over and something is barely begun…"  
  
"A poetry reading?"  
  
"Oh, give me a bit more credit than that. I guess you'll just have to wait and see." He led her into a quiet restaurant.  
  
"I love this place." She grinned.  
  
"Good thing this isn't the surprise then."  
  
After dinner they walked back toward the centre of town. The streets were fairly busy, and dark despite the streetlights.  
  
"Can I get another clue?" Susan asked  
  
"Um, 'At the end of the day you're another day older'." He half sing-songed again.  
  
"Charming thought." She looked up at him wryly.  
  
"We're here." He led her up a grand staircase before she could see the title above the door or the advertising outside.  
  
"Okay, I give up." She said. He didn't reply. At the top of the stairs she recognised the gaunt child overlayed with a French flag but she didn't make the connection.  
  
"Les Miserables." He said as if he were secretly French, and handed her their tickets from his coat pocket. She handed them to the doorman who directed them to their seats.  
  
"I never knew you were a closet theatre-buff. Or are you a closet Frenchman?"  
  
He laughed. "Neither. This is one of the few things I will be forever grateful to Jenn for. You'll see."  
  
"That should be the punch line on the poster."  
  
"Just you wait."  
  
"Is it in French?" she sat down, still a little cynical.  
  
"No. The original text, by Victor Hugo, was. But other than names, it's all anglais." He showed off his poor French as the lights dimmed.  
  
He'd seen it before – twice. Once with Jenn, then on his own just after she left him – instead of comfort food. He was as enthralled as ever, except for desperately hoping Susan would love it. He watched her when Fantine died, amazed at how beautiful she was with tears trailing down her face. He watched her laugh at Madame Thenardier's fabulous verse, and Gavroche's cheeky song.  
  
The light's brightened for the interval and she turned to him smiling.  
  
"What do you think?" he beamed.  
  
"Good choice." She nodded. "It's going to be sad isn't it?"  
  
"It's called The Miserable." He took her hand, loving the innocence of such touch. "But it's okay in the end."  
  
She leaned back in her chair, still holding his hand.  
  
"Did I tell you how stunning you look tonight?" he played with her fingers.  
  
She looked at him bashfully and shook her head so slightly he wasn't sure she hadn't imagined it.  
  
"Well, that's because sometimes," he kissed one finger, grateful that the chairs beside them had been vacated for the interval, "words fail to say what I mean. And this is one of those times." He kissed the next finger, disappointed to see that their neighbours were shuffling along the row toward them.  
  
"Tell me later." She whispered cheekily and squeezed his hand, turning back to the stage expectantly.  
  
Marius sang, "In my life, she has burst like the music of angles the light of the sun. And my life seems to stop as if something is over and something has barely begun." Susan grinned and lifted Mark's hand to her lips in appreciation.  
  
** ** **  
  
After clapping for ten minutes their hands were numb.  
  
"That was fantastic." Susan grinned.  
  
"Glad you approve." He took her hand to lead her out.  
  
"Thank you. I'm going to be singing that all week. Or humming and trying to remember the words." She laughed, still wiping the tears from her face.  
  
"First 'official' date was a success then?"  
  
"No question. Best first date on record." They walked out of the theatre arm-in-arm. 


	14. Ever

Mark lay on his stomach in the dawning sun, watching her sleep. He only had two days until he had to go back. A week's vacation had undoubtedly reversed over the ground he'd gained in competition with Kerry. But to leave…? What kind of insane man would walk away from this? Her alarm went off – well, the radio flicked on.  
  
"Some where over the rainbow, way up high, there's a land that I heard of once in a lullaby." Mark started singing along, "Somewhere over the rainbow, skies are blue… and the dreams that you dare to dream, really do come true." She opened her eyes. "Someday I'll wish upon a star, and wake up where the clouds are far behind me… where troubles melt like lemon drops… and way above the chimney tops, that's where you'll find me." He whispered the high note. She smiled and arched back to stretch. "Some where over the rainbow, bluebirds fly. Birds fly over the rainbow. Why, then oh why, can't I?"  
  
Susan smiled, "You need wings." She whispered.   
  
He looked at her sadly. "If happy little bluebirds fly beyond the rainbow, why… can't… I…?"  
  
"Are you okay?" she cupped his face with one hand.  
  
He shook his head silently and swallowed. "I don't want to leave."  
  
"I don't want you to leave." She whispered. "We're on the same page – just different cities."  
  
"You're amazing." He blinked back tears. "You're so strong. I'm sick of fighting this – I mean these past few days have been perpetual bliss – but I don't want to go back to fighting. I can't say goodbye indefinitely. I don't have the fight in me."  
  
"I won't stay away forever. As of Saturday I don't have any choice in the matter."  
  
"I'm back at work on Sunday." He hadn't told her when he was going back yet.  
  
She swallowed and turned on her side to face him. "Two days?"  
  
He nodded. She reached into his embrace and held him tight, not willing to let go.  
  
"We can do this." She said, as much to convince herself as him. "I mean surely it's good for us, in the long term. Doesn't feel good now, but maybe we'll look back and…" she trailed off.  
  
"Yeah." He agreed half-heartedly  
  
She pulled back to see his face and kissed the trails of tears away. "I love you. And that's enough. I'll let you go back home, but I won't let you go… ever." Her voice failed at the end.  
  
He'd missed the 'ever'. He knew she'd said something more. Something she wasn't sure he wanted to hear – by the look on her face. "What?" he stroked the side of her face.  
  
"ever." She forced out in half a breath.  
  
The tears still shined in his eyes when he smiled. "Ever? That's a long time."  
  
"I won't let you go, ever." She said it quickly and buried her face in his chest, as if hiding from her own honesty.  
  
"Oh, thank God." He squeezed her closer to him.  
  
"You're okay with that?" she squeaked from inside his intense embrace.  
  
"Of course I am. If I get the chance I'd happily chase you around a rest home when I'm ninety."   
  
She pulled back so she could see him, her eyes smiling. "Sounds like a plan."  
  
She saw the alarm clock behind him. "Oh, my gosh, is that the time?" she sat up suddenly, the covers falling off her body. Mark looked at his watch. "Seven thirty seven." He nodded.  
  
"I have twenty three minutes to get to work." She rolled out of bed and grabbed her robe off the back of her door, still tying it as she made for the bathroom.   
  
Mark pulled his shorts on and followed. "Hey, I can help." He let himself into the bathroom where she already had the shower going, waiting for the hot water. She laughed at him, knowing his 'help' would make her even later, but not sure that she cared about being late. Since apparently her job wasn't exactly long-term anyway. He locked the door of the bathroom, letting his eyes linger on her.  
  
"You're so beautiful." He breathed. She was still a little uncomfortable with him seeing her like this in full daylight. "Something about the music of angels, light of the sun. I forget the line." He mumbled and kissed her desperately, giving her robe the last touch it needed to fall from where it hung loosely on her shoulders. 


	15. Won't let go

Susan managed a strong face that morning. She tried to keep her focus on getting to the station, then work, on time. It'd be the first time all week. She helped him pack, made him breakfast, and tried not to think about saying goodbye. She could jump that hurdle, or try, when she got to it. Plus if she was going to botch it then beginning the botching early wasn't going to help matters. She made them breakfast, Chloe called a cab, got Suzie ready and all four of them went to the station.  
  
Mark waved goodbye to Suzie, gave Chloe a quick hug and didn't even try to make a clean cut with Susan. He knew this wasn't going to be a quick and easy goodbye. He didn't want to pretend.  
  
Susan pulled his scarf tight – autumn had arrived. She even allowed a quick hug. But then he didn't let go. He held her tight, just like she really wanted. So she held him back – tighter even…  
  
The announcer called his train and they both knew it. Susan didn't let go.  
  
"You're going to have to let you go." He nudged and they parted.  
  
"I'm not letting you go." She held his arms and kissed him soundly. "Just for a little while."  
  
He gave her another quick hug. "I love you. And I'll be back – just have to practise kissing executive assif i want more holidays. I could get some lessons off Weaver. Whatever it takes." He grinned and kissed her.  
  
"Bye." She swallowed and clenched her jaw to keep back the tears until he was gone. Crying wouldn't be fair – this was hard enough on him as it was. She saw his eyes were brimming and closed her eyes for one more kiss, trying to ignore the ache of unshed tears. She couldn't speak as he backed away – she held up her hand – a half-hearted wave. Then he disappeared onto the train.  
  
Chloe came up behind her and rubbed her back. Susan swallowed resolutely and turned to her sister. "We should go."  
  
Chloe enveloped her in a hug – the first in a long time. Even longer if you were only counting the ones Chloe initiated. Susan accepted her comfort and they left the station with their arms around each other, and a dozy Suzie attached to Chloe's other arm. 


	16. Home

Susan let herself into the apartment. She heard Chloe and Suzie 'chatting' in the kitchen but walked past them wordlessly.  
  
"Oh, hey Susan." Chloe called. No reply. Chloe followed her to her room. "What's wrong."  
  
"Nothing." Susan lied.  
  
Chloe sighed. "What's it going to take? I'm fine. And Suzie is fine with me. How can I prove that to you?"  
  
"You've been clean for a week." Susan pointed out.  
  
"So what makes you so sure this isn't for good?"  
  
"We'll just have to wait and see."  
  
Chloe shook her head. "This is ridiculous. You are clearly unhappy. I'm willing to bet there's a guy in Chicago who is equally so. This isn't that complicated. Go home." Chloe walked out of her room, knowing it wouldn't work.   
  
***  
  
Dear Mark   
  
I thought I had good news. Chloe was doing so much better – after you left she was trying to talk me into going home – trying to convince me she'd be fine, and Suzie would be fine, without me. And I was so close to believing her. I haven't seen her in three days. Suzie's been moody and won't sleep through the night. I'm exhausted and all I want is to wake up beside you. I got my hopes up – Chloe seemed so much better. I'm so tired of hoping. Of missing you and not seeing the end of it. I'm so sorry I can't come home. I love you. 


	17. Cold

Mark usually called her as soon as he got home. But he wouldn't be home until after midnight and she needed as few nightly interruptions as possible. He'd got her letter that morning. And now he had a ten-minute break. Escaping to the lounge he dialled her number.  
  
"Come on Susan, be home." He whispered to the dead line.  
  
No one picked up. He hung up and dialled for the operator. After giving the details of the hospital she worked at he waited for the answer again.  
  
Reception picked up.  
  
"Hey, can I speak to Susan Lewis in the ER?"  
  
"I'm sorry she's unavailable." She emotionless receptionist replied.  
  
"No, I mean, I know – she's working right?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"I'm a friend of hers – from Chicago. Can I call back, or…"  
  
"I'll have her call you on her break."  
  
"Oh, okay…" deflated. No one likes waiting for a call but he was getting good at it.  
  
"Oh wait," the receptionist said quickly, "Susan. Call for you."  
  
"Yeah." Susan sighed on the other end of the phone.  
  
"Hey." Mark smiled, relieved he'd got hold of her.  
  
"Mark. Hi." She couldn't have this conversation now – not at work.  
  
"Are you alright?"  
  
"Um, yeah." She lied, and she knew he knew it. "I can't talk now." She said coldly.  
  
"Okay." This was worse than not talking to her at all.  
  
"Bye." She hung up the phone. As far as bad days go, this was getting worse. Or maybe the multiple traumas that flooded in as soon as she hung up the phone were a blessing in disguise – took her mind of Chloe and Suzie and mostly Mark. Suzie was safe in day care. Chloe was high, but home. Mark could be anywhere. And she didn't mean that geographically. She hadn't talked to him in days. She didn't have the strength to do it. Everything was gracefully falling down around her knees. And there was nothing she could do to stop it. 


	18. If i needed you

Susan got home exhausted. She put Suzie down first, and then checked Chloe. Gone, again. She didn't want to talk to him; she just wanted him to hold her tight and never let go. But she knew he needed to hear from her so she picked up the phone and dialled. The apartment was dark except for the city lights that threw shadows across the lounge. She slumped back in the shadow of a couch.  
  
"Yeah." Mark's croaky sleepy voice answered.  
  
Susan's voice failed.  
  
"Hello?"  
  
"Yeah." Susan whispered.  
  
"Susan is that you?" he sat up in bed, suddenly awake. He looked at the clock – three a.m.  
  
"Hi." She said a little more audibly.  
  
"Are you okay?"  
  
"Yeah… I mean, no… I mean, I'm sorry, it's three a.m." she'd cast a curious glance at her watch.  
  
"It's okay. I wanted to talk to you."  
  
"Yeah, I know."  
  
"How's it going with Chloe and Suzie and…" he trailed off – he wanted to help but he had no idea how.  
  
"They're both home. Chloe sleeps a little less naturally, and Suzie a little less peacefully."  
  
Mark let out a breath audibly. "Susan…"  
  
"I'm okay." She tried to reassure him.  
  
"Every bone in my body is screaming out to do something." He tried to explain his frustration.  
  
"I know. That feeling is why I moved here. But I'm so tired…"  
  
They sat in silence for a while until Mark spoke. "Sleep well Susan."  
  
"You too." She offered hopelessly. "Mark, wait." She stopped him from hanging up. "Let me sing you to sleep."  
  
"How am I supposed to say no to that?"  
  
"So don't." she turned her body and lay back on the dimly lit couch.  
  
Mark lay back in bed.  
  
"If I needed you, would you come to me? Would you come to me, and ease my pain? If you needed me, I would come to you. I would swim the seas… to ease you pain. In the night forlorn the morning's born… and the morning shines with the lights of love. You will miss sunrise if you close your eyes… that would break my heart in two. If I needed you, would you come to me? Would you come to me, and ease my pain? If you needed me, I would come to you. I would swim the seas… for to ease you pain." She whispered the last words. "Goodnight."  
  
"Thank you." He whispered and hung up. 


	19. The Call

Susan got the call she was dreading. She wrapped Suzie in several jackets and grabbed their bags. The taxi arrived as they exited the building.  
  
"To the hospital." She told the driver, trying to buckle in Suzie with one hand. She gave up and threw the bags down in frustration, clicked Suzie's belt loudly and leaned back against the vinyl seat, wondering what the next few hours would involve.  
  
Chloe was pale, dark smudges hugged her face – some more purple than black. Susan's heart broke to see her like this, grateful that Suzie was outside with a compassionate nurse. Chloe opened her eyes, "Can we go home now. I want to sleep."  
  
Susan shook her head. "You might as well sleep here." She turned and walked out, not wanting to discuss it with her.   
  
She took Suzie off the nurse. "So, can she go into rehab against her wishes now?"  
  
"It's complicated." The nurse tried to explain  
  
"I know. I work in the ER." She sighed.  
  
"You can try."  
  
"Right." Susan nodded and made her way downstairs to use the phone in the staff lounge. 


	20. Merry Christmas

Mark returned to admin, for another armful of charts.   
  
"Hey there." Carol looked up at him.  
  
He nodded  
  
"Merry Christmas." She touched his arm, desperate attempt at comfort. It was Christmas eve.  
  
He smiled, "Merry Christmas. What are your plans?"  
  
"Oh, you know, the usual. Boring and inevitably embarrassing family do. Unbearable headache the next day. How about you?"  
  
"I'm working."  
  
"Heard from Susan lately?"  
  
"Ah… yeah. She's got her hands full with her sister. I couldn't even ask her…" he trailed off. He pretended to read the chart so that Carol didn't see his eyes. But she could hear his sorrow in his voice.  
  
Carol knew she couldn't do or say anything to help and walked away in silence, leaving Mark to recollect his thoughts – re focus on work… worth a try anyway…  
  
Chairs were almost empty – remarkably enough. There was a figure outside the doors – but close enough that the lights from inside forced the cold darkness from surrounding them. They were facing the road like they waited for someone. Or something.  
  
Mark hoped it was her. He knew it couldn't be but he couldn't resist the hope. He gave test results, sutured a hand that was mistaken for part of the turkey, all the while pretending that she was waiting for him outside.  
  
So when he saw her walk in those doors he assumed this was just part of his daydream. He tore his eyes away, but not soon enough to miss her face falling. He turned back.  
  
"I went home you weren't there." She explained pointlessly.  
  
He leapt two rows of chairs and lifted her off her feet in a desperate embrace, crushing her to him.  
  
Doug was watching from admin, "Hey Carol." He called her away from the computer screen. Her face lit up.  
  
"Susan." She ran around to greet her friend.   
  
Mark let her go, stepped back. Just watching in awe as she greeted her friends. One by one, they went back to work – promising to catch up on boxing day. Then it was just them. She turned back to Mark.  
  
"You're here." He said – maybe if he said it aloud he'd believe it.  
  
She nodded. "I'm back."  
  
He closed the gap between them and kissed her. (Yeah, you know it, Doug's still watching… grinning…mmm…) "How long?" he mumbled, between kisses.   
  
She pulled away to see his face, "I mean I'm back – for good."  
  
His jaw dropped, "What about Chloe?"  
  
"It's sorted –she's in a facility just out of Chicago. Suzie is with her for the moment – it's one of their policies…" he stopped her with desperate kiss. She responded with equal fervour, completely forgetting her explanation.  
  
"Mark!" Kerry's shrill voice called him back to reality. They both spun to her, flushed, grinning.  
  
"Do you mind?" she glared.  
  
"Not really." Susan replied  
  
Doug's unmistakable laugh made even Kerry's glare bearable.  
  
"Susan." Kerry realised the reason for their performance and gave her a nod of formal greeting.  
  
Mark grinned at the woman beside him, a little awe struck.  
  
"Right, back to work everyone." Kerry called to cover her embarrassment.  
  
Mark took Susan's hand. "I'm off in an hour. Do you want to stick around or…"  
  
"I have a better idea. Key?" she held out her hand cheekily.  
  
He smiled, "it's in my locker. I better go or else SOMEONE will bite my head off and that could ruin our evening."  
  
Susan reached up, cradling his head in both her hands and gave him a sound, lingering kiss. "See you at home."  
  
He'd waited a long time to hear those words, and pulled her back for another kiss, fully aware of Kerry's glare.  
  
Susan grinned as she backed away toward the staff lounge. 


	21. Getting There

"Well, that explains why he's been moping around for the past few months." Kerry smiled at Doug.  
  
"You're onto it Kerry." He walked away appalled. "So Mark…" he followed his friend into Curtain 3.  
  
"Doug." Mark nodded.  
  
"What changed?"  
  
Mark tried to focus on treating his patient and said with clearly-forced indifference, "Her sister has moved to Chicago."  
  
"Mate, that's great." Doug slapped Mark on the back.  
  
Mark grin-glared at him.  
  
"Oh right. Talk to you later." He stepped out and shut the curtain behind him, a cheeky grin gracing his face.  
  
Meanwhile…  
  
Susan opened Mark's locker to find their only photo taped carefully inside the door above three of Rachel. She unfolded his jacket to find the keys in his pocket. It smelled like him. She inhaled the scent.  
  
"Hey, I thought you and Mark would have left by now." Carol poured herself some tepid coffee.  
  
Susan turned to her and put Mark's jacket back guiltily.  
  
"Na, he has to stay so I was just getting his keys." She jingled them and put them in her pocket. "So… how are you?" she grinned and crossed the room to give her friend another hug.  
  
"I'm okay. Yeah… how about yourself?"  
  
Susan nodded her head, "Getting there." She smiled  
  
"Good to know." Carol poured the rest of the coffee down the sink. "Warning, if you want to make it back to Arizona, don't drink that."  
  
"I'm not going back." Susan shook her head. "But I think I'll give the coffee a miss anyway."  
  
"No way." Carol returned for a third hug. "What happened?"  
  
"Mainly Mark happened." Susan didn't want to explain, not now. She wanted to go home. "I should go, but we'll catch up later." She made for the door.  
  
Carol followed her, "Okay… but I want details."  
  
"What's a bet, you're not the only one?"  
  
Carol laughed and waved to Susan as she left.  
  
Doug grinned at her mischievously.  
  
Carol raised her eyebrows at him and they spent the next ten minutes pretending to look at files and discussing their friends.  
  
---  
  
that's right, i'm going to make you wait for this... [author indulges in an evil laugh]  
  
ps - sorry about the lack of characters in the ER - i was like eight when this season came out so i was generally in bed when it was on... not that I expect you to be paying that much attention to kerry and doug and carol... well maybe doug... daydream. excuse me. 


	22. What I was waiting for

Susan opened her old front door and stepped into a cold and dark apartment. She carried her suitcase through to the bedroom, not needing to turn the lights on till she got there. His bed was unmade but other than that it was fairly tidy. Just not as colourful as it had been when she'd lived there. She turned the lights on in the lounge. He had a tree – sparsely decorated. And she noted the definite lack in mistletoe. It was too late for dinner and a quick look in the kitchen told her the makings of supper where not to be found there.  
  
She grabbed her hand bag and made a quick mental shopping list then set out to find a shop open after eight on Christmas Eve.  
  
*~~~*  
  
Mark signed off his last patient and checked his watch for the thirtieth time since Susan had walked through those familiar doors and changed his life.  
  
Then he heard the words he most dreaded, "multiple MVA. ETA six minutes."  
  
He ran to the lounge and picked up the phone, dialling his home number. No answer – machine. "Hey, Susan. I hope you got there okay. I might be a bit late. You know how it is. I'll call again and let you know. I'm so sorry bout this. Alright, I have to go. Love you." He hung up the phone. And sighed, leaning against the wall.   
  
Doug poked his head around the door, "need you out here mate." He disappeared and Mark forced himself to follow.  
  
*~~~*  
  
Mark walked into a warm and softly lit apartment for the first time in a long time. To have someone waiting for him – and more importantly, the one person he wanted to see most in the world right now…  
  
He dropped his backpack and walked into the lounge. The lights were off but the Christmas tree lights danced colours all over the room – wait. Christmas tree lights? For a moment he doubted he was in the right apartment. Then he saw her curled up on the sofa, sleeping. She must have put the lights up. He knelt down beside her and kissed her forehead.   
  
She stirred. "Oh, hi." She smiled, her eyes still half shut. She stretched and yawned luxuriously.  
  
"Hey." He pushed her hair back out of her face.  
  
"You okay?" she asked, letting one hand linger on the side of his face.  
  
"Yeah. I'm so sorry I couldn't be back earlier."  
  
"It's okay." She sat up. "You hungry? I made some supper."  
  
Mark smiled as she yawned again. "Lets have it for breakfast." He lifted her off the sofa and carried her through to his bedroom, keeping his arms around her even when he put her down. "This is the best Christmas present I ever got." He smiled at the beautiful face that blinked at the brightness of the lights in his room. "Be right back." He did a quick once-over the apartment, turning off lights and such. When he got back to his room Susan was sitting up, lazily pulling off her socks, wondering if she had enough energy to get changed, or if it was worth that energy not to sleep in her clothes. Mark stripped down to his shorts and sat beside her. She had undone the top button of her jeans but didn't seem to be going any further than that.  
  
"Would you like some help?"  
  
She let her head fall to one side, her eyes blinking for longer than normal blinks. "I'm all floppy." She lifted her hand to caress his cheek, then let it fall to his leg.  
  
He unzipped her jeans and pulled them off, while she giggled at the whole scenario. He dropped them at the end of the bed and climbed over her, pulling the duvet over them. The only light was the bedside lamp and it lit her features charmingly.  
  
"Of all the things I have wished for," he carefully unbuttoned her cardigan, "I never thought this one…" she slid her arms out and around his neck, "would come true." He lifted her up and threw her cardigan onto the floor with her jeans. She didn't let go when he lay her back down.  
  
"I was planning on staying with Chloe for Christmas. I came here to say hello and then goodbye, but only for a little while. Then I found myself at the hospital. I waited outside for so long, trying to decide if it would be easier see you and walk away or just wait and see you later. But it turns out I couldn't even walk away then. I called Chloe and said I simply couldn't be there." She looked him in the eye. "Seems I had no choice in the matter."  
  
"Well whoever did choose things to be this way, we'll toast to them tomorrow." He kissed her softly. "Right now…" he kissed her again… "I can think of better things to do…" and again.  
  
"Mark." She stopped him.  
  
"Mmm." He kissed her neck.  
  
She rolled over to push him back so she could see his face.  
  
"What?" he stopped  
  
"I'm sorry I left."  
  
He shook his head.  
  
"No, it wasn't fair. Chloe chooses her life. I choose you."  
  
"All that matters is that you're back." He kissed her lightly, "And I can spend the rest of my life making up for the past four months."  
  
She stroked his head with one hand and ran her other up his side. "Sounds like a plan." She reached up to his lips, her kiss saying what her words couldn't. 


	23. Yours

It was so warm. So cosy and warm. Susan rolled over onto a cold patch in the bed and sat up.  
  
"Good morning beautiful." He walked in the door with a tray.  
  
Susan smiled, leaning back on the pillows, pulling the duvet over herself. Mark put the tray on the end of the bed and threw her a jersey of his.  
  
"Thank you." She pulled it over her head and perused the food. There was huge bowl of fruit that she'd never finish on her own – but those strawberries looked doable.   
  
Mark sat beside her in bed and put the tray in front of him.  
  
"Looks good." She smiled.  
  
"Yah, yours is in the kitchen." He teased but she didn't pick it up until he grinned cheekily. He ducked to avoid the oncoming pillow-at-speed then handed her a spoon.  
  
"Thank you," she nabbed a strawberry.  
  
"Anytime." He rolled back out of bed and opened the curtain.  
  
"You know every time you get up you leave a cold patch?"  
  
He stuck out his bottom lip, "Look. It's snowing."  
  
She climbed out of bed and went to the window to watch. Mark put his arm around her, pulling her closer.  
  
"Merry Christmas." She nuzzled his neck  
  
He nodded, "Merry Christmas indeed." He kissed her soundly. "So are we going to see Chloe and Suzie today?"  
  
"Don't you have plans?" Susan pulled him back to bed, and breakfast.  
  
"I'll call Rachel and I'm working…"  
  
"Oh man." Susan interrupted.  
  
"Yeah, well I didn't know there would be so many more appealing options." He kissed her hand and went back to his breakfast.  
  
*~~~*  
  
After a hot shower and a change of clothes Susan stepped into the kitchen. Mark handed her a mug of hot coffee and insisted she ignore the dishes and return to the lounge.  
  
"I didn't know when I would get the chance to give it to you," Mark sat her down and put his own coffee on the table. He ducked under the tree, turned on the fairy lights and grabbed a small parcel.  
  
"But since you're here…" he knelt on the carpet in front of her and handed her the parcel.  
  
"Mark…"   
  
"Just open it." He leaned on her knees  
  
She opened it carefully, ignoring the insistence in his eyes.  
  
Slippers. (as in woolly shoes for wearing inside when it's cold)  
  
Susan laughed. "That's just what I need." She put her hands inside them and found there were two little gifts – one in each slipper.  
  
Mark grinned when her discovery was evident on her face.  
  
She pulled them out, putting the slippers beside her on the sofa. One was a jewellery box. The other, wrapped in tissue paper. Holding her breath she put the jewellery box aside and unfolded the tissue paper to find a packet of sunflower seeds.  
  
She grinned and stroked his face, kissing his forehead impulsively. He picked up the jewellery box and held it up to her. She swallowed, unsure of what this could mean. But when she saw the hope and love in his eyes she opened it fondly.  
  
It was a white gold ring with three tiny sapphires along the top. Her jaw dropped.  
  
His face had turned very serious, "It's not…" he started to defend his choice but realised he couldn't lie to her, "I was going to say that it's not an engagement ring. But…"  
  
She was watching him intently, holding the ring in her fingertips like it might break.  
  
"Who am I kidding?" he shrugged, "I'd marry you in a minute. But it's yours either way – you choose what finger you put it on."  
  
Susan forced herself to speak, "Mark. This is… amazing. I mean, the ring is perfect. But, are you sure it's not too soon?"  
  
"Well, it's only been four months but…"  
  
"No, I meant since Jenn."  
  
"Oh. No," he shook his head, leaning on the couch, his head level with hers, "You see," he took the ring in one hand and her hand in the other, "I don't want you to leave, ever. I want to wake up beside you and go to sleep beside you and have the freedom to kiss you all the rest of the time."  
  
"Could be drastically unproductive."  
  
He nodded "The point is, I love you. I want to spend the rest of my life finding out why."  
  
"I guess it's a good thing I moved back home." She lifted her hand to his face, her smile lighting up her eyes.   
  
He looked her straight in the eye, pleading her for a straight answer.  
  
She nodded her head, letting her smile widen.  
  
He forgot about putting the ring on her finger and kissed her soundly. "Don't scare me like that." He hugged her laughing.  
  
"Your present is going to be hard to beat." She squeezed him closer to her.  
  
"I haven't given it to you yet," he took her hand and looked her in the eye, "You sure?"  
  
"I love you – I couldn't say no if I wanted."  
  
He slipped the ring onto her hand and went to kiss her again.  
  
"Don't you want to know what I got you?" she held his shoulders.  
  
"YOU are the best Christmas present I could ever hope for. But go on…" he sat back down on the carpet while she ran back into the bedroom. When she didn't come back straight away he got up and turned on the gas fire. He was kneeling in front of the fire when she returned.  
  
"Here you go." She knelt beside him on the rug and put a bag in front of him. "Sorry bout the wrapping – I didn't get a chance."  
  
He put his hand in the bag and pulled out the first thing he found. The Les Miserables soundtrack.  
  
"If you've got it already I can exchange it."  
  
"No, I don't – always thought I should – but you got the Record – this is like a collector's item." He grinned  
  
"Oh, I had no idea. Well, there's more."  
  
He cocked his head to one side, with a cheeky grin and put his hand in the bag again. Bath oil.  
  
"Nice." He nodded  
  
"Yeah, well it's selfish really, because we'll share that one." She raised her eyebrows suggestively.  
  
"We could have tried it out this morning."  
  
She shook her head, "we'd still be in there. Totally impractical. But there's more."  
  
He grinned tipped the contents of the bag onto the rug. An envelope and a small bottle. He picked up the bottle to examine the label.  
  
"Chocolate body paint?" he read aloud.  
  
She nodded, "tastes like that hazelnut chocolate spread you can put on toast."  
  
"Dare I ask how you know?"  
  
Susan looked at the fire to avoid his eyes.  
  
He laughed at her, "I'll get that story out of you eventually," he guided her head with his hand, making her look at him. "Thank you." He kissed her chastely.  
  
"Read the letter later." She kissed him again.  
  
"Oh, I forgot." He pulled back, suddenly curious about the envelope's contents.  
  
She put her hands over her face as he opened the seal.  
  
"I'll do those dishes, she jumped up and disappeared into the kitchen.  
  
Mark pulled out two sheets of paper covered in her writing.  
  
Dear Mark.  
  
You are amazing. This past six months could have been hell on earth. You have not only made them bearable, you have made parts of them bliss, and the rest better for it. I want to say I love you but I feel it doesn't quite convey my meaning. I absolutely adore you. You are my best friend, my confidante. I can tell you anything, I can trust you entirely. It comes totally naturally and I've never been there before. I didn't know I had the capacity to love anyone this much. You take my breath away, again and again. I don't want to let you go… ever. In fact, if possible, I'd quite happily spend a significant part of everyday for the rest of my life holding you so close I can barely breath – some things are more important than oxygen. I love to watch you sleep – it's an excellent reason to be late to work… amongst other things.  
  
I have never worked with anyone like you. There may be better doctors in the world but the person on the other side of a gurney from me, should always be you. I can't think of anyone I work with better, or anyone whose presence gives me more joy.  
  
You make me laugh. Sometimes I laugh till it hurts because of your quirky smile and charming innocence. Other times I laugh because I'm so happy that a smile simply won't cut it.  
  
I am yours. In every way.  
  
And I promise to be careful with you. At some point I can guarantee you I'll say or do something that will hurt you; but never wilfully. I have an overwhelming desire to protect you – even from me. I've loved and maybe even been loved before. But when the going gets rough, as it inevitably will, I realise that I'd rather get out than fight for it. I won't let that happen again. You are worth fighting for. So when the going gets rough, that's what I'll do.   
  
This has been a very serious letter. Maybe too serious. But this is where I stand and you should know.  
  
Yours,  
  
Susan.  
  
Mark got up to find her in the kitchen but when he looked up he saw her standing in the doorway watching him. Without a word he dropped her letter on the couch and approached her, stunned adoration in his wet eyes. She was trying to figure out what he thought. He took her head in one hand, her waist in the other. He was going to say 'I love you.' But words escaped in the breath that she took away the moment before he kissed her. 


	24. I'm okay

Susan pulled a chart off the desk.  
  
Carol sidled up to her. "How's your first day back going?"  
  
"Suspicious rash… ask me after this." She grinned and disappeared into curtain one.  
  
"Good to have you back." Carol laughed.  
  
"Good to be back." Susan poked her head out from the curtain.  
  
Mark exited the elevator just as the call came "Multiple GSW. ETA, nine minutes."  
  
"Right," he sighed.   
  
Susan signed off her rash patient and joined them. "What are we waiting for?"  
  
"This is the calm before the storm." Mark rubbed his forehead.  
  
"You okay?" Susan turned to him.  
  
"Yeah, waiting for that ibuprofen to kick in," he nodded.  
  
She touched his face softly, wishing it would take even that minor pain away.  
  
The doors slid open and the rush and noise of people desperate to live and people desperate to help them do so enveloped them. Two teenagers with chest wounds. The first fought for half an hour. Mark pronounced and crossed the threshold to fight for the life of his first patient's killer. Susan smiled at him sadly across the table. He recalled the words in her Christmas letter – about working with him – and smiled back.  
  
*~~~*  
  
I haven't pulled the original ER plot in much at all – missed heaps of stuff with Rachel. But I'll come back to it here: read the plot summary for 'Random Acts' in season 3 for more info. Short version: the kid that died above was an innocent bystander whose family has been sent a huge bill for his 'hospital care'. His brother gives Mark a good yelling-at… along with a couple of other patients… so it's not Mark's day at all. Then he gets thrashed in the men's room and is left unable to speak or walk, a bloody mess. Doug finds him like that and they get him stabilized in the ER.  
  
Doug allowed himself a sigh of relief, seeing Mark's SATs beep confidently. He had to make a phone call.  
  
He didn't want to leave the room so he used the phone, dialling Mark's familiar number.  
  
Susan picked up, "Hey, Susan here."  
  
"Oh, hey. It's Doug."  
  
"Oh, hi Doug. How are you?"  
  
"I'm good. I'm at the ER."  
  
"I'm not on call – at least I don't think so."  
  
"No, I know. It's Mark. He was in a fight."  
  
"What?" she didn't allow her mind to wander "Is he okay?"  
  
"He's stable."  
  
"What? He was unstable?"  
  
"It's okay Susan, just come down okay?"  
  
"Yeah, I'll be right there." She put down the phone and picked up her bag all in one movement, not realising she'd forgotten her coat until she stopped running to wait for the el. It was January and the snow was a mess, and rarely white, but there was still snow on the ground. Her thin jersey didn't take much off the wind chill but her mind was otherwise engaged.  
  
She ran in the sliding doors of the ER just as the slid out of her way. No one seemed to notice her in the buzz of the ER. She walked right on in and along the hall, looking in every door – looking for Mark. She found Doug in the last one.  
  
"Hey Susan." He led her out of the room  
  
"Is he… where is he…?"  
  
"He's okay. He's upstairs."  
  
"What? In the OR?"  
  
"No, he's been admitted overnight. But you'll have to check the ward number. I didn't get a chance to see him yet – ice is a bitch." He ducked back into the room. Susan forced herself to JUST walk to the elevator.  
  
*~~~*  
  
Susan walked down the dark ward, grateful for her staff privileges. She wasn't prepared to see Mark like that. He was sleeping but his face was covered in unnatural shadows and lines. Susan sat down on the seat and took his hand from where it lay on his stomach.  
  
Mark's eyes opened just the slightest bit – in fact she wouldn't have noticed if she hadn't been studying his face. He turned his head, which clearly hurt. She stood up so he didn't need to.  
  
"I got beat up." He whispered hoarsely.  
  
She nodded, swallowing. "I know."  
  
He was so grateful that she was there – she made the cold, dark, impersonal ward like home, she made this broken, frightened man safe and warm and even peaceful.  
  
"I love you." She shook her head, hopelessly trying to blink back her tears.  
  
He smiled like he'd just got the best news, "I'm okay. Just a bit bruised. But you love me so I'm okay."  
  
She smiled at his sleepy logic and nodded her agreement. "Go back to sleep. I'll stay here."  
  
"Okay." He shut his eyes.  
  
She pulled the chair closer so she could sit on it and rest her head on the bed. She held his hand, kissing it numerous times before dawn. She was too tired to think about it, to be angry at the man who'd done this, or to even consider that she was supposed to be in the ER, ready to start an eight our shift, by seven a.m. the next day. All she knew was that she loved him, and he was okay.   
  
Thank God he was okay. 


	25. ache

Susan was wakened by a shake at her hip.  
  
"Bloody pager." She forced herself to sit up despite the loud protest her back made.  
  
"Good morning." Mark had been watching her sleep.  
  
"How long have you been awake?" she looked at the pager.  
  
"I don't know, but watching you, I wasn't sure if I was dreaming… What is it?"  
  
"I was meant to be at work twenty minutes ago." She pretended to look guilty – frankly she couldn't care less right now. "How are you feeling?"  
  
"Oh, could be worse. Like, if you weren't here, being a truant…" he grinned cheekily.  
  
She kissed him softly, but as usual, his response drew her in. She touched his face. She was close enough to feel the sharp breath he inhaled.  
  
"Sorry," she stepped back.  
  
"No." he grabbed her hand.  
  
"I have to go."   
  
He hated to see that sadness in her eyes. "I'm fine. Please, don't worry about me."  
  
"I can't even touch you without hurting you." She held his hand tentatively.  
  
"It's worth it – what's that saying, no pain no gain?"  
  
She didn't even smile. She lifted his hand to her lips, kissed it once, and put it back on the bed. Then she picked up her bag from where it had spent the night at the bottom of her chair. "I'll visit on my break. If I get a break." And walked away.  
  
*~~~*  
  
Susan finally got her break six hours later and collapsed onto a chair in the lounge with a dramatic sigh. She wanted to go see Mark. But her body refused to move. Her back and arms ached from sleeping in a chair with her arms under her head, holding Mark's hand, on the bed. Her legs ached from six hours chasing paper and patients around the ER. And her head ached from not eating enough, drinking too much coffee and, again, sleeping half way between a chair and a hospital bed.   
  
Kerry poked her head in the door, "Sorry Susan, Doug's been called up stairs, we need you out here."  
  
Susan let her head fall back with another sigh. "Yeah. Coming."  
  
A minute later Kerry poked her head in again. "Susan!"  
  
"Yeah." She forced herself upright and muttered under her breath, "you wouldn't need me if you didn't waste your time finding me and just did it yourself."  
  
Susan walked into the ER and was soon snatched up by a patient.  
  
Ten minutes later Doug traded places and demanded Susan take her break now – "Go poison yourself with the coffee in the lounge – might get you a longer break." He smiled compassionately.  
  
Susan looked at the closing elevator doors and vowed to visit Mark on her next break. If she got one. She fell into the seat closest to the door as soon as she entered the lounge.  
  
"Hard day?" Mark asked from where he sat on the other side of the room.  
  
Susan jumped up, suddenly finding that last dreg of energy your body saves for moments like these. "How did you get down here?" she sat beside him, taking his hand carefully.  
  
"Doug came and got me. Took me a few hours of sitting alone in a hospital bed to realise you were only a phone call away."  
  
"Sorry I didn't make it up to see you yet."  
  
"Na, I know what it's like down here." He squeezed her hand reassuringly. "Plus, it's always fun to surprise you."  
  
Susan reached over to kiss him, careful only to touch his lips, and even then, only softly.  
  
"When do you finish?" Mark asked.  
  
"Two. But I was thinking of trying to get out of it. I'm shattered."  
  
"I'm not surprised, I mean hospital beds aren't great, but chairs…"  
  
"Oh, I shouldn't be complaining. How are you feeling?"  
  
"Better, but I was thinking, I can go home. Just need clearance from a doctor, and apparently I'm not allowed to be that doctor. So if you'll sign me out when you're finished we can go home and THEN I'll be heaps better."  
  
"Sounds like a plan." She touched his face feather-soft.  
  
"Don't look so concerned. I'll be fine. I promise."  
  
"Okay. You better go back upstairs. I'll come get you as soon as I can." She kissed him softly and then helped him up.  
  
"I'm glad you're here. This morning I was lying in bed, thinking about how it would be if we'd not kept in touch. If you were still in Arizona and I was here alone." She stopped walking and so did he, since she was half-carrying him.  
  
"I couldn't bare it. Don't think like that."  
  
"I'll try." He said and started to step forward, trying to walk without her help. It looked awkward and painful and she ducked under his arm to support him before he went any further.  
  
"I'll take you back upstairs." She whispered opening the door. 


	26. Looking After You

Susan let herself into their apartment, glad to be home and out of the weather. She dropped her bag, removed her coat and shoes and flicked on the gas fire. Then to the kitchen, definitely hot-drink weather. There was a note on the fridge:  
  
"Hey Susan  
  
Thank you for looking after me.  
  
My turn.   
  
I won't be long – had an appointment – getting stiches removed. Meanwhile, there's candles and bath oil (yeah, I know it's mine, but share and share alike… I have no idea what that means…) and there's bubble bath under the sink. Go on, be good to you. And when I get back, I'll be good to you. That's right. Dinner and all. My treat.  
  
Love you  
  
xxx"  
  
*~~~*  
  
Sorry it's short, just a mouthful really. I'm away for easter weekend – at a camp, in tents… it's autumn here, 5:40 pm and 6 degrees C outside… brrr… why me! Anyway, I'll post more when I get back, if I survive… we'll see.  
  
Happy Easter 


	27. adoring

I survived. But we did have ice on our tent in the mornings… the things we do… anyway. It's Easter camp tradition to lose your voice, freeze and not do your washing till the day after you get home… so far I'm right on the mark.  
  
*~~~*  
  
Mark let himself in and put two shopping bags in the kitchen. He poked his head into the bedroom and finding it empty knocked on the bathroom door.  
  
"Yeah…" Susan replied. She'd heard him and was waiting for his approach.  
  
Mark opened the door and she rolled her head to one side from where it lay on the end of the bath. She smiled. He said nothing and knelt beside her, kissing her softly, lingeringly. He tore his lips away. "I'm going to make dinner, so take as long as you want."  
  
"Okay." She pulled him back for one more kiss.  
  
Ten minutes later he returned with a glass of red wine.  
  
"Here you go." He handed it to her.  
  
"Mmm, luxury." She purred.  
  
"Good, good." He disappeared again.  
  
Susan put her empty wine glass on the floor and pulled her body out of the cooling water.  
  
Half-dry she pulled her robe around her and wandered barefoot into the kitchen, wrapping her arms around Mark from behind him. She kissed his shoulder, "Smells amazing."  
  
"Let's hope it lives up to your expectations," he turned around in her arms and stroked her face fondly.  
  
His eyes lingered too long for her comfort, "what?" she breathed.  
  
"You're glowing."  
  
"You know why?"  
  
He shook his head.  
  
"Combination of factors really – there's the bath, and then there's the wine, but most of all," she kissed him lightly, "there's you." She kissed him again, not so lightly. He pulled her hungrily into his embrace, searching her face and mouth with his own mouth. He only pulled away when he was kissing her neck and she started stirring the saucepan behind him.  
  
"Hey. Let the master chef do his thing." He slapped her hand away.  
  
"Okay. I'll just get changed." She wandered away.  
  
"You can stay in your robe if you like." He yelled after her, grinning.  
  
When she reappeared in a slip satin nightdress his jaw dropped, "Or you could do that."  
  
"Do what?" she teased 'innocently'.  
  
He shook his head, smiling with his eyes, adoring her with every fibre of his being. "You're too…" he sought the right word, "distracting. I'll never get dinner finished."  
  
"Okay, I'll set the table." She opened the cutlery drawer.  
  
"If you like – we don't have to sit at the table. You do what you like."  
  
She nodded and set to work while Mark tried NOT to get distracted by the stunning, scantily clad figure that kept popping in and out of the kitchen in a remarkably distracting way.  
  
"Okay," he carried the two plates into the lounge. It was dark except for the firelight and the candles Susan had put on the coffee table, with two woven place mats and wine glasses, the rest of the bottle of wine they'd started earlier, folded serviettes, even little wrapped chocolate after-dinner mints. Susan was sitting on the rug in front of the fire, leaning on the arm of a sofa and reading. "Dinner's ready." He put their full plates on the place mats and sat beside her on the rug.   
  
She put her book down and rested her head on his shoulder, kissing his jaw line familiarly. "I was looking forward to getting home, but this… it's perfect. Really…" she searched for the right word, "It's just perfect. You are… just perfect."  
  
"Well the stiches are gone but it'll take a little long than that," he teased so she shut him up with a soft, adoring kiss.  
  
"Let's eat." He pulled away softly, "or we never will." 


	28. cold sheets

Mark woke disappointed to find the sheets cold beside him. Susan must have got called in to work, he thought as he pulled himself out of bed.  
  
He wandered barefoot to the kitchen and found her note stuck to the fridge with a magnet that said 'For Women to be thought half as good as men they must be twice as good. Fortunately this is not difficult.' He hadn't noticed it before – but then it could have been there for a while he smiled to himself.  
  
"Didn't want to wake you, you're so handsome when you're drooling on your pillow. Okay, stop wiping your chin, I'm hassling you. You weren't drooling when I left anyway. Hope it was a while ago you needed the sleep – I keep catching you yawning.  
  
Anyway, I've gone to see Chloe – got a page last night after you went to sleep. She's okay, well at least that's what the lady on the phone said. I hope she's right. Withdrawal must be charming – she was asking for me, and I know I'm a sucker, but I can't turn away from her, no matter how hard I try apparently.   
  
So I might be gone a couple of nights. The place is about an hour's drive from you. I'll give you a call when I get a moment.  
  
You've got the day off remember? So go back to bed like the sane person I know is hiding in there somewhere.  
  
Love you like you'll never know  
  
Your Susan."  
  
"Oh man", he thought, "don't miss her too soon", he told himself, and put two slices of bread in the toaster. 


	29. Withdrawal

Mark ran to pick up the phone, knowing it was stupid to be this excited and he'd be far too disappointed if it weren't her.  
  
"Hello?" he asked the receiver  
  
"Hey." Susan's familiar voice replied.  
  
She could almost hear his grin, "Oh, hey you. How's it going?"  
  
"Oh, you know." She yawned. "Sorry."  
  
"Is she okay? Are YOU okay? Is Suzie..?"  
  
"We're all fine. Suzie is doing okay – well as good as can be expected. Chloe is… she'll get there."  
  
"Good. Are YOU okay?"  
  
"I'm exhausted." Susan sat down on the chair by the phone in her motel room.  
  
"I wish I could save you from all this." Mark sighed.  
  
"Go for it." She teased. "but it's not me that needs saving."  
  
"You know what I mean."  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"You should have woken me up – I could have come with you. I might not have been able to help much, but I'd be there cause I know Chloe and Suzie can hardly look after you."  
  
"When it comes to looking after me you raise the bar significantly. But I can look after myself. For a couple of days at least." Susan played with the phone cord.  
  
"So how long are you away for?"  
  
"Hopefully just a couple of days cause that's what I said on my message on the answer machine at work. I should go. I just wanted to hear your voice."  
  
"Okay, let me know if there's anything I can do. I'll drive over if you like."  
  
"No, it's okay. Enjoy your day off."  
  
Mark didn't reply. Not immediately anyway.  
  
"Mark?"  
  
"I miss you. How pathetic is that? You've been gone, what, twelve hours."  
  
Susan laughed, "What can I say, I'm addictive."  
  
"Maybe I should book into this place Chloe's at – since apparently I'm an addict too."  
  
"Na, you can have as much of me as you can bare – you'll just have to wait a couple of days."  
  
"well, I'll tell you now, the withdrawal symptoms aren't pleasant. This place is a mess, maybe if I leave the bed unmade, the dishes in the sink and last night's spaghetti on stove then you'll know it's not so wise for you to leave again."  
  
Susan laughed. "If I come home to that I might just have to leave straight away."  
  
"Okay, I'll clean up today." He pretended to be a scolded ten year old.  
  
"I really have to go."  
  
"Okay. See ya." 


	30. Am I dreaming?

Doug sat down in chairs, glad to take the weight off his feet.   
  
"Busy eh?" Susan said from behind him, gesturing to the empty chairs.  
  
Doug stood up. "You're back?"  
  
"Yup. Took longer than expected – in fact they wanted me to stay longer but…"  
  
"You're job is that important eh? I've been doing the opposite, trying to come up with really creative ways to get fired and still get severance pay. Any ideas?"  
  
Susan smiled, she didn't really want to though, she needed to find Mark. "Is Mark here?"  
  
"Not sure, he filled in for Kerry this morning and he's on again in a couple of hours so he might be getting some sleep somewhere."  
  
"Okay, I'll hunt him down."  
  
Susan poked her head in a few exam rooms before she found him. He was fast asleep. She sat on the bed beside him, watching him sleep. Softly she touched his forehead. She wanted to leave him like this – he looked so peaceful. But she knew she needed to talk to him.  
  
"Mark," she whispered, stroking his face, his arm, then letting her hand rest on his chest.  
  
His eyes opened slightly. He smiled widely, "Am I dreaming?"  
  
Susan smiled at that and shook her head softly. Mark sat up and embraced her a little roughly. She held him tightly and let him hold her – wanting to leave it like this. But she knew she needed to talk to him.  
  
"You okay?" Mark pulled away slightly, still not letting go of her.  
  
"Um, yeah." She nodded slightly, "Look, I… um, I need to talk to you."  
  
"Is everything okay?"  
  
She nodded, holding his eye contact, not wanting him to worry. "Yeah, it went okay. You know, Chloe's not perfect but these things take time. She wanted me to stay longer but I had to come back."  
  
"Oh, I could have done your shifts."  
  
"That's not why I'm back." Susan stopped him. She paused and took a deep breath as if preparing him for what she was about to say. "I'm… I mean, we're… pregnant."  
  
Mark's jaw dropped. "What… but we… I mean not since that first night…"  
  
"No, at Christmas we didn't…" she shook her head by way of explanation.  
  
"Oh." He didn't seem to understand.  
  
"You okay?" she asked.  
  
He nodded, holding her eye contact and allowing a small smile to grace his lips. "So… we're gonna… have a baby?"  
  
Susan nodded, "Is that okay?"  
  
He grinned, "I'm just surprised. Are you sure?"  
  
She nodded. "I though I was just stressed – and that was why my period was late but I took the test anyway. And it turns out…"  
  
Mark was grinning. "Are you okay with this?"  
  
"I don't know." She whispered. "I'm in shock. I mean I wanted this – one day, you know. And certainly not in the near future, but now…" she allowed herself half a smile, "be honest – how do you feel about his?"  
  
"Honestly?" he searched her eyes, "I'm rapt." He was grinning. "I'm stunned, amazed, but this is…" he slipped his hand around her waist, not quite ready to touch her stomach, "this is breathtaking. I don't know what to say?"  
  
"So, we're going to have a baby. I didn't know how you'd react – I mean I knew you'd be okay eventually. I don't know what I mean. I'm so confused and excited and terrified."  
  
"You'll be fine." He put his fingertips on her lips. "We'll be fine."  
  
"You've done this before. I have no idea what is going on." Susan waved her arms around flustered.  
  
"Shh," he kissed her softly. "Just enjoy it."  
  
She smiled. "We're going to be parents." She bit her lip.  
  
He nodded. "It'll be amazing… You… you are amazing." He kissed her again. She let him consume her, let their kiss say all the things she couldn't quite put into words. Until Doug opened the door and got half way through saying "You in here?" before he saw them and ducked out with, "Oh, sorry."  
  
They separated laughing. Susan went and opened the door. "It's okay, come in."  
  
He entered, allowing himself the cheeky grin that so became him. "So, you two kids ought to know better than making out in an exam room."  
  
Mark threw the sheet off himself and turned so he was sitting on the side of the bed. "Oh, I dunno. We might be able to come up with some pretty good excuses." He stood up and rearranged his scrubs. Susan grinned guiltily.  
  
"Right, back to work." Mark walked out, obviously not about to share his 'good excuses'. Doug followed and Susan sat back on the messy bed. 'That went better than expected.' She said aloud.   
  
Mark swung back into the room, "Just one thing Susan." He kissed her desperately and walked out with an even bigger grin on his face.  
  
*~~~* 


	31. familiar territory?

Mark ran his fingers around her belly button absentmindedly. "Do you know how beautiful you are?"  
  
"You're biased." Susan turned her head sleepily to face him.  
  
"What are you thinking?"  
  
"You don't wanna know." She shut her eyes.  
  
"Sure I do." He guided her chin, begging her to look at him  
  
Susan opened her eyes, found his adoration pleading with her. She sighed, "I was thinking that you've done this before – you've been, I mean you are a Dad, but…"  
  
"It was never like this before." He stopped her when she broke eye contact. "Jenn and I were on the rocks when we found out she was pregnant, then we made it work… for a while at least. I love my daughter but me and Jenn had it wrong from the start. This is… I want to get it right this time."  
  
"Is this right though? I mean we've barely started."  
  
"There's no such thing as the perfect circumstances."  
  
"Mark we're not ready for this. It's too soon. I mean the idea is great – it's exciting and… and all that, but really…"  
  
Mark nodded – barely noticeably.  
  
"I mean…" Susan let out a breath. "I have no idea what I mean." She half laughed.  
  
"It's your call. I want this – I mean, obviously not this soon, but I want this. Do you?"  
  
Susan's head had been full of what this future could look like all day. Did she want it? Yeah – as the future. But now? She didn't know. She waited to long to answer him and he turned away, pretending to try to sleep. Susan lay in bed resenting herself. 'I'm a fool, I want kids one day – I mean how much more perfect could it be anyway? Why can't I just be excited about this like Mark is? It's unexpected but… grrr…' she was so frustrated at herself. She sighed audibly then stopped herself knowing Mark was wide-awake and listening.  
  
"I'm in shock." She whispered into the darkness.   
  
Mark rolled onto his back.  
  
"There's a million and one hormones running around my body – yeah, more than usual – I'm confused and surprised and I can see how amazing this could be but don't you see it has the potential to… I mean what if I mess it up? My family legacy hardly bodes well. And you and me are just new to the couple thing – it's going so well – better than ever – you know? I've never been anywhere near here before – I'm just scared of losing this – of losing you, maybe. I know it doesn't make any sense – please… I need you to try… just understand… give me some time…" she was swallowing her tears and Mark had no choice but to roll onto his side and pull her protectively into his arms.  
  
"Sorry." He whispered, squeezing her tightly to him. "I'm an idiot."  
  
"No your not – you're just in familiar territory." 


	32. unexpected

[Few months later – meanwhile, Elizabeth Corday has arrived and Robert Romano is new on the scene too. Read episode guide for season 4 – a few episodes into it. I'm not really following the Mark/Rachel/Jenn plot – too complex… plus I'm lazy. So just assume it's the same as it was in the actual episodes of ER – just running in the background of this story.]  
  
Mark opened his locker and put his stethoscope inside – his mind elsewhere. He let his eyes wander over the photos on the inside of the locker door – the roll of Rachel, the old one of him and Susan, and one Susan had tried to tear up of her sleeping (the only safe place for it was obviously here) and beneath it a recent ultrasound photo – six months now. He smiled at this unexpected path. When he'd caught her at the station almost a year ago he'd honestly thought he'd never see her again – he'd hoped he was wrong, but he'd never really believed he'd get his chance with her. And now? Engaged and pregnant. So unexpected. Maybe too much so. But at the same time so incredible. He pulled off his coat realising he was still standing there staring at his locker door. Someone came into the lounge but he didn't feel like talking so he proceeded to get his things together. Until that someone slipped their arms around his waste.  
  
"Oh, hey." He turned to Susan, "I didn't know you were on today." He kissed her, fully aware of their baby between them.  
  
"I wasn't – but I am now." She cocked her head to one side.  
  
Mark pulled away – he didn't like that she was still working – the ER was hardly a user-friendly workplace. Anything could happen.   
  
Susan knew his reservations. "I'll be fine." She squeezed his hand and crossed the room to her locker, pulling out her coat.  
  
"Hey, it's my job to worry." He shut his locker door.  
  
"And its my job to find a way to get rid of that awful photo you seem to like so much." She turned to him mischievously.   
  
"Good luck with that." He opened the door for her.  
  
"So I'll see you at home?" She asked as he followed her out into the ER.  
  
"Yeah." He touched her waist so she turned around and kissed him before he walked away.  
  
"We'll have nominations for couple of the year after the ad break." Romano said as he walked past obviously on his way to a consult.  
  
"Friendly." Susan smiled at Carol who'd been watching the whole thing from behind admin.  
  
"Tell me about it. And he seems to be a permanent addition to staff. What's that saying? Make my day." She passed Susan a chart.  
  
Susan grinned, "Make my day indeed." 


	33. Rocketman

Doug poked his head out of the door Romano had just walked into. He winked at Carol, "can you two lovely ladies give us a hand."  
  
Susan and Carol put down their charts and followed him.  
  
Romano barked orders – obviously making himself right at home despite his recent arrival. Everyone fell in line, not sure what to make of him. And then despite his arrogance it became pretty clear falling in line was the best thing to do – not only because getting out of line was life threatening but also because Romano's line was usually be the right one.  
  
When Susan took a sharp breath he was the first to notice, "You with me Lewis?"  
  
She nodded, trying to refocus on the patient.   
  
When Susan grabbed the side of the gurney, bent forward, eyes shut Romano didn't blink, "Hathaway, can you take her up to OB?" It wasn't really a question.   
  
Susan forced herself to stand up and tried to walk calmly out of the room. 'It's nothing.' She told herself. 'Just braxton-hicks contractions. It'll pass. Just relax.' She knew the lines but she couldn't convince herself. In the elevator she leant against the wall. Carol rubbed her back.  
  
"I'm okay." She whispered, controlling her breathing.  
  
Carol didn't say anything, just led her out of the elevator and to a chair. 


	34. Persuasion

Mark took a sip of cold beer and flicked on the TV, lifting his feet to the coffee table. He was glad to be home, to be able to relax, put his feet up, all that. But he was glad he was waiting for something – someone. If he went to sleep before she got home then at least he knew he'd wake up beside her. He smiled, imagining she was sitting cross legged on the other end of the sofa, some ancient novel in one hand, lemon tea in the other, smiling over the top of her book, maybe reading him a few lines of a language that was certainly not English, as far as he was concerned. She loved those old books – classics. He listened to her describe them – amused by her enthusiasm more than the stories. One of them sat on the coffee table. He picked it up in the TV commercials. "The Three Musketeers." By Alexander Dumas. At least he'd heard of that one. Another sat under it, "Persuasion" by Jane Austen. He recognised the author this time and flicked it open at her bookmark.  
  
His eyes fell on the word 'sex' as eyes are wont to do. But it wasn't nearly as interesting as he'd expected: 'We never shall. We can never expect to prove anything upon such a point. It is a difference of opinion which does not admit of proof. We each begin, probably, with a little bias towards our own sex; and upon that bias build every…' his mind wandered as he read. It didn't really make sense – these two people, presumably a man and a women, disagree about something to do with men and women. Happens all the time, he thought. The man, a captain, described how he felt in saying goodbye to his wife and children – not knowing if he'd see them again. That's gotta be bad, Mark thought, getting a bit more involved than he expected. "… the glow of his soul when he does see them again… he calculates how soon it may be… I speak, you know, only of such men as have hearts!' Pressing his own with emotion." Mark smiled and beat his chest with one hand, muting the television with the other, resting the book between his knees. Another captain was folding up a letter when the phone rang. Mark held his finger where he was up to and picked up the phone from the table behind him.  
  
"Hey, Mark here."  
  
"Hey, can you come down?" Doug's familiar voice asked anxiously.  
  
"Oh mate, I'm not on tonight."  
  
"I know." Doug stalled. "But you need to come down."  
  
"Why?" Mark challenged him, assuming Doug would describe some tragic staff shortage, a mass trauma…  
  
"Susan's in OB." Doug deadpanned.  
  
"What?"  
  
"She went up a few minutes ago. It might be nothing – I just thought you'd want to come down. Even if it's nothing."  
  
"What happened?"  
  
"Probably nothing – just Braxton-Hicks or something. Relax mate."  
  
"I'll be there as soon as I can." 


	35. nothing

Mark ran along the hall.  
  
"Susan Lewis?" he asked of the clerk  
  
"I'm sorry, it's not visiting hours." They replied automatically.  
  
"I'm a doctor." He gripped the edge of the desk insistently.  
  
"Oh, sorry sir. She's in 43b."  
  
"Thanks." He ran down the hall, checking numbers on doors as he passed. 43b. He stopped outside, preparing himself for… no, he wasn't prepared for the worst. He knocked and let himself in.  
  
Susan's emotionless pale face stopped him in his tracks. He let the door close behind him. He approached her slowly, searching her face for clues. She dropped her eyes.  
  
"No." Mark shook his head.  
  
Susan looked up at him terrified.  
  
He reached out to touch her stomach and swallowed. "What happened?"  
  
She didn't say anything.  
  
"Susan please, tell me what happened." He begged, taking her hand in both of his, desperate to hear her voice – to see some sign of life.  
  
"I thought it was nothing – false labour." She choked.  
  
"So what happened? You went into labour?" he spoke quickly as though he could save something.  
  
"Baby's gone Mark." Her eyes drooped half shut.  
  
She didn't know what to feel – she felt nothing. She was just so tired. She watched the tears roll down his face, wishing she wanted to cry, wishing she felt something. Mark pulled the chair close to the bed, resting his head on the side of the bed, holding her hand close to his face as he cried till he slept. 


	36. sadness

Mark woke, first aware of the cramp in the top of his back, then his surroundings, then the reason for them. He clenched his jaw and looked at Susan. She was still sleeping. He tiptoed out of the room, went to the bathroom, splashed his face with water, took a drink from his cupped hand and returned not feeling a whole lot better. He was in shock. He knew how grief worked – shock and denial and all that stuff. But when he saw Susan lying in that bed she looked so small. This incredible, strong woman he so adored and needed – right now she needed him. He had to be the strong one. He sat down on the chair and waited for her to wake.  
  
Susan woke before she opened her eyes. Last night's memory was all too real. When she felt Mark touch her hand she opened her eyes, relieved he was there, though she knew he would be.  
  
"Hey." He mouthed, searching her eyes.  
  
"Hi." She replied softly.  
  
"How you feeling?"  
  
Susan looked down at her stomach. "I'm so sorry."  
  
"Me too." He edged closer to her, wanting to hold her so close but knowing he couldn't right now.  
  
"Maybe I could have stopped it – if I'd just…"  
  
Mark shook his head. "It's not your fault."  
  
Susan visibly gritted her teeth. "Maybe it was."  
  
Mark took her face in his hands. And shook his head.  
  
Susan wanted to believe him. "Can we go home?"  
  
"I don't know. I'll go find someone." He got up and walked out.  
  
Susan tried to compose herself while he was away but it didn't work. When he returned he spotted the tearstains first.   
  
"They want to keep you – just a couple of days. I'll bring you some stuff from home." If he focussed on looking after her he didn't have to think about the baby.  
  
"I just wanna go home." She looked up at him.  
  
The sadness in her eyes surprised him. She was always the hopeful one. No matter how bad things go she was optimistic, somehow content with life, no matter what that meant. He could handle her blank expression, even her child-like dependence on him, but that sadness frightened him.  
  
"I know." 


	37. home again

Susan sat back on the couch and hugged a pillow.   
  
Mark came behind her, handing her a lemon tea and then sitting beside her with a mug of hot coffee. "You want anything?"  
  
She shook her head and reached for a book on the table. She didn't want to think. She wanted to escape. But she couldn't be bothered moving to get the book. Mark reached over and picked it up, opening it to her bookmark.  
  
"How many times have you read this?" he looked at the open pages.  
  
"I'm not counting." She half-smiled.  
  
He half-smiled back and started reading from where he'd stopped that night he'd got the phone call from Doug.  
  
Susan turned herself around and lay back between his legs. He held the book in front of her but she shut her eyes to listen to him read. Well, at first… then he started getting confused with the language. Susan stopped him and explained the story in layman's terms.  
  
"That's why you generally start a story from the beginning, not the last chapter." She lay back again.  
  
"I'd be fine if it were in English." He kissed her hair and resumed reading. Then he fumbled a word. A few words. A sentence.  
  
Susan laughed.  
  
He couldn't believe it. She was laughing at him – well, that wasn't hard to believe, but she was laughing. She took the book out of his hands and replaced it on the coffee table. "You slaughtered it." She pulled his arms around her and nestled into his chest.  
  
"Yeah, well…" he pulled her close, still careful not to hurt her, inhaling the smell of her hair, her warmth and closeness.  
  
"Mark." She whispered, her eyes shut  
  
"mmm." He acknowledged he'd heard her.  
  
"I love you."  
  
Mark smiled, then realised she'd drifted off to sleep. She needed it so he didn't move. And despite his leg falling asleep, pressed between Susan's body and the back of the sofa, it didn't take to long for him to follow suit. 


	38. recovery

yay! finally updating, have been awfully remiss... but i'll make it up to you.  
  
***  
  
Susan woke up restless. She, or rather they, were on the sofa – they'd slept the whole night there – she knew it was morning cause sunlight was dancing on the rug. Mark was still asleep. She could feel his head rising rhythmically under her cheek. Usually she'd be happy to just lie there and doze in and out of sleep until Mark woke and then pretty much continue in the same way except for a little more kissing and active cuddling. But she needed something to occupy her this morning otherwise her restless vibes alone were bound to wake him – not to mention that she'd be hard-pressed to actually sit still. She tentatively unlocked her arm from underneath his and reached over to the coffee table for the remote control. She turned on the TV and pressed mute all in one moment – only the mute button didn't work and Marg Simpson, whining, "Homer!" resounded through the apartment before she hit the right button. Mark didn't wake. Well, not immediately. He woke when the volume was down to 15 and Susan was shaking with laughter. He didn't move, just watched her. She didn't even know he was awake until he whispered,  
  
"It's good to hear you laugh"  
  
She turned her head to see him. There was sleep and tears in his eyes.  
  
"You're easy to please." She kissed his lips though they were almost out of reach.  
  
"Yeah, easy to please, the most amazing, beautiful, did I mention amazing, woman I've ever met, not only loves me, no she didn't stop there, she came home to me, fell in love with me, wonders never cease, she'd even marry me – yah, little broken old me, and then when tragedy strikes she doesn't run a mile she just holds on to me. Then when I begin to doubt she'll smile again she laughs. And I know it wasn't just for me – but it's still going to make my day. Call me a sucker."  
  
She was still laughing, not harshly, just the kind of laughter that bubbles out of someone who was smiling, then they were grinning, then they were almost crying and they run out of options for emotional release. "You're a sucker."  
  
"Meh, price we pay." He shrugged and kissed the top of her head, smiling.  
  
"It's good to see you smile too." She looked at him seriously.  
  
He replied with a silly, fake grin.  
  
She shook her head and sat up so she could look at him without getting a stiff neck. "I'm going to have to make you breakfast to get a genuine smile out of you aren't I?"   
  
"Well, I can't say no to that." He swung his legs off the couch and pulled her escaping figure back onto his lap. She draped her arms around his neck resignedly. "But first things first." He ran one hand from her waist to her face distractingly. Dinner, oh wait, I mean breakfast, suddenly became a lower priority. The hunger in his eyes took her breath away.  
  
"I'm not hungry anymore." She kissed him desperately. It had been too long – they'd been so distracted by the baby and themselves, and in a way the other one, but not in this way. They'd got a glimpse at being a family and as wonderful as the prospect was it was very different. They weren't there yet. They would be eventually. And then it would be different again.   
  
And once again, in hindsight alone, heartbreak was for the best.  
  
*~~~*  
  
Kerry jabbed Mark in the ribs. She's been talking to him for thirty seconds at least, likely more, and he hadn't heard a word of it and the most frustrating thing was that she'd only just noticed.  
  
"Uh, yeah, sorry, what was that?" he fumbled, shamelessly admitting he didn't have a clue what she'd just said.  
  
"I said," she sighed dramatically, but the effect was lost on him, oh, forget it. Just get back to work."  
  
Mark nodded and didn't move. Kerry walked off fuming.  
  
"She'd really love to run this place – makes me question her sanity more than I'd question most people's." Doug sidled up to his friend.  
  
"The only sanity you'd question is that of a woman when you can't get into her pants."  
  
"Well, at least I'll never be with anyone insane. It's good to have you back." His tone changed.   
  
"I only took a few days off." Mark picked up a chart.  
  
"Yeah, but you were gone for longer than that."  
  
Mark didn't quite know what to say.  
  
"I know, I'm rarely this aware of anyone, except myself, and occasionally my date. But hey, people change."  
  
"Now you're scaring me." Mark looked at Doug wryly.  
  
"Be afraid, be VERY afraid." Doug punched his arm playfully and took a chart from the rack.  
  
"So, how are things with Carol?" Mark fell in step beside him en route to curtains.  
  
"Good. You know how it is – we have our moments but who doesn't?" Doug disappeared into Curtain one leaving Mark to think how very different he imagined those 'moments' where than with him and Susan. He missed her, fully aware of how ridiculous that was – seeing that he was in the same city and he'd see her in hours – in fact he could probably figure out the minutes if he thought about it. It's not like she was half-way across the country – in fact, she lived with him. He forced himself to focus on his job, swishing into curtain three as Kerry bellowed behind him,  
  
"You here Mark?"  
  
He poked his head out of the curtain, "Yeah, and I'm trying to do my job." He rolled his eyes and waited for her response.  
  
She didn't come up with anything before he returned to his patient. 


	39. hidden tears

Susan pulled on her white coat as she came into the ER ten minutes after she was supposed to have started work.  
  
"Oh, good, Susan. I need you in here." Benton poked his head out of Exam 2.  
  
"Yah, I'll be there in a moment." She half-ran to the lounge and threw her bag in her locker and slammed the door.  
  
"Susan?" Mark's familiar voice asked of the darkness.  
  
She spun around to see his silhouette in the moonlight that seeped in through the tiny windows.  
  
"Oh, hey. I'm late. You're still here?"  
  
Mark didn't reply but Benton stuck his head in the door. "No hurry Lewis. Too late for that guy. You can put your coat on the right way." He laughed and let the door swing shut.   
  
Susan took off her coat and breathed a sigh of relief putting it back on properly. Then she sat down beside Mark, braving the wrath of less friendly co-workers. "So, how's your day been?"  
  
"Oh, nothing unusual." He said. He thought he'd covered the sorrow in his voice but she could hear it.  
  
"What's wrong?"  
  
"Oh nothing. You know, hard shift."  
  
"Oh," she almost believed him.  
  
He knew she wasn't convinced, "Really, I'm fine."  
  
But then he made the mistake of wiping a tear off his cheek.  
  
"Mark…" she put one hand on his knee  
  
"Yeah?" he tried the 'I have no idea what you're talking about' card.  
  
"Mark…" she replied with the 'Just be honest' card.  
  
"You better get back to work. And I should go home and get some sleep." He made for the door. Susan beat him there and turned on the light, barring the doorway with her body.  
  
The Mark that the light revealed looked very different from the one she'd sleepily kissed goodbye to that morning. His red and white tear-stained face, his exhausted, despair-filled eyes. "What's wrong?"  
  
"Really it's nothing."  
  
"No it's not." she waited for his explanation  
  
"It's just…"he sighed and turned back into the room to sit down, realising this conversation wasn't over.  
  
Susan followed him and sat down on the next chair.  
  
"I don't know. I'm just sad." He admitted frustratedly.  
  
"About the baby?" she asked barely audibly.  
  
After a moment Mark nodded. "I just didn't want you to worry about me." He explained.  
  
"I'd be more concerned if you weren't sad." Susan pulled him close to her.  
  
"I know; I just wanted to be able to look after you and make sure…"  
  
"It's okay. I'm fine – at least, I will be. You've been amazing – looking after me and everything."  
  
"I thought I was okay. You know, I thought I'd dealt with it." He interrupted then looked up and met her eyes. "I was playing the 'big strong macho macho man' or something" he grinned.  
  
She stroked his cheek.  
  
"Lewis, I need you in exam two." Kerry poked her head in the door and the both turned to glare at her. "Mark, you're still here?"  
  
"No, your eyes deceive you." Susan stood up, her hand on Mark's shoulder, holding him in his place. "Can you give us a moment?"  
  
Kerry disappeared without a word – as uncharacteristic as that was.  
  
Susan turned back to Mark. "Look, I have to go. But I'm home at some ungodly hour and I'll try not to wake you up and…"  
  
Mark stood up and put a finger over her lips.   
  
She took his hand and kissed it. "I want to look after you for a change." She kissed his hand again.  
  
"That's not very good for my ego."  
  
"You are more important than your ego. And if you need to cry, don't bloody do it at the staff lounge. I have two dry shoulders."  
  
He leaned forward into her embrace, kissing one shoulder then the other. "Finest shoulders in all the developed world."  
  
"Damn right." she mumbled into his chest, hugging him. 


	40. family matters

"How can I help you?" Kerry smiled at Susan, who'd been waiting at the admin desk, changed to go home, for the last twenty minutes.  
  
Rather than saying, 'by moving your ass just a tad faster,' like she wanted to, she gave her actual reason for wanting to speak to her supervisor, "Um, I need to get a shift change."  
  
"When do you need off?"  
  
"Actually it's Mark. He's got a… um, a family thing." Kerry obviously wasn't satisfied with this explanation. Susan didn't want an argument, or to push the likeliness that Kerry would pull rank, so she sighed and explained, "Um, his daughter is moving and he's gone to help her settle in. He didn't get a lot of choice in the matter and you can imagine he wasn't exactly pleased about it so I offered to sort out his shifts – so he could do what he has to do." Susan hoped that'd be enough.  
  
Kerry rolled rolled her eyes, sighed and nodded.  
  
Susan bit her tongue – it was hard enough to know Mark was suffering, but she could count on Kerry to be as sympathetic as ever. It was just the last thing she needed after a twenty-six hour shift.   
  
Susan turned and walked away.  
  
"I hope he's not going to want weekends and every other holiday for the next eighteen years." Kerry yelled back.  
  
Susan stopped walking, fully aware of Kerry watching her. She clenched her fists in attempt to regain control and kept walking resolutely.  
  
Doug ran out the door after her and grabbed her arm, "You okay?"  
  
Susan nodded. "At least I didn't kill her – wouldn't have been good for my career."  
  
He laughed, "She's not worth it. Let me."  
  
Susan grinned.  
  
"You're good for him – he's a lucky guy."  
  
Ambulance sirens broke their conversation – getting louder every moment.  
  
"Duty calls." Susan grinned. "Don't kill her till after her shift is finished, you might need her."  
  
Doug grunted like he didn't quite believe it and jogged over to the ambulance bay.  
  
Susan turned and began walking down the familiar road toward the El station. She wondered where Mark was right now – was he putting Rachel to bed? Or was he getting into the far-to-small single bed in Jenn's spare room – she imagined his discomfort – staying at his Ex's house, in a five foot bed… 'God, be good to him – give him something – just something to keep him going this week. Look after him God.' She wasn't used to praying – seemed a bit weird – perhaps because it DIDN'T feel like she was talking to herself, and it DID feel like she was doing something to help – or rather, enlisting God to help instead. 'Like let Jenn… and Craig and Rachel – just let them all be really good to him. And let him not fight with Jenn cause he knows it won't change anything – it'll only make things worse. Just let him know I love him and… and that everything's gonna be okay and, man that sounded cliché.' Susan rubbed her head, "At least let him sleep real well." She accidentally said outloud. Her voice sort of frightened her in the deserted street. She stepped onto the train, her eyes watering as they adjusted to the fluorescent light. It was dark outside – not late yet but everything seemed to shut early – everyone had gone home to their families.   
  
Mark sat down on the edge of the bed then lay back across it. He was exhausted. And that said a lot for someone who could handle a double shift in an inner city ER. But this was a different kind of exhaustion. He'd spent three days with his daughter but the downside was that he was living with his ex-wife and her husband. And he was imagining the whole scenario as if he weren't there – like it would be in a few days. He wouldn't miss Craig or Jenn for a moment, but he was giving up Rachel as well. How was he supposed to do that? This wasn't a dead baby, but the second child he'd lost in a month. How was he supposed to do that? He needed Susan – she was his strength. She could just kiss him or take his hand, or even just look at him and he'd know he could face whatever he had to face. But she was too far away. And he'd wake up and get up to the sounds of his daughter's family like he was an intruder.  
  
Mark pulled the covers down and rolled himself underneath the tight cold sheets. The phone rang in the hallway. He switched off the bedside lamp forcing himself not to hope it was Susan. He'd left the number on the fridge and told her, "just in case you need to get hold of me." Ironically he was the one who needed to get hold of her. But he could hardly make toll calls on Jenn's phone.  
  
He pretended the soft pillow against the side of his neck was Susan's hair, and that she was lying beside him, sleeping peacefully. And he almost believed it. But he couldn't dream of her no matter how much he wanted to.  
  
Mark was woken by Rachel getting into the tiny bed beside him. He grinned sleepily, helping her in as Jenn appeared at the door.  
  
"Sorry, she got away."  
  
"It's okay – really." Mark laughed lightly at the tiny figure snuggled to his side.  
  
"I have to get her ready to go – I've got to be at work in half an hour and Craig's already gone."  
  
"So I'll look after her."  
  
"But aren't you going back today?"  
  
"Not till tomorrow actually." He kept his eyes on Rachel to keep from glaring at Jenn.  
  
"Oh." She almost hid the disappointment in her voice. "Well I'll be home at seven then."  
  
Mark looked up and nodded then returned his attention to Rachel, ignoring Jenn's departure.  
  
"Hey honey." Mark stroked his daughter's hair.  
  
"Hi Daddy." She smiled.  
  
He smiled at her fully aware of the tears that could spill any moment.  
  
"Where are you going?"  
  
"I have to go home tomorrow." He tried to explain.  
  
"But can't you move your home here?"  
  
He shook his head sadly.  
  
"Will you visit?"  
  
"Of course. And you can come stay with me – we could even go ice skating again."  
  
"With your friend too?" she said, the excitement evident in her voice.  
  
"Yeah, Susan can come – I'm sure she'd love too. But I don't know if little Suzie can come – she's moved away too."  
  
"Everyone moves." Rachel looked down  
  
"Yeah." Mark agreed sadly, "But no matter where we go I promise I'll always come and see you."  
  
"Even in Alaska?"  
  
Mark nodded.  
  
"And in Australia?"  
  
Mark pretended to think for a moment then nodded.  
  
"And New York?"  
  
"Definitely." He smiled at her evident skills in geography – thinking New York was further than Australia. "But make sure you tell me if Mum suggests moving to any of these places because I might just have to talk her out of it. Or maybe you could just stay with me."  
  
"Yeah!"  
  
At least she was excited about that – though he knew how unlikely it was that he'd ever get custody. "Okay, lets get some breakfast." He threw off the covers, picked her up on his shoulders so that he had to duck through doorways and walked to the kitchen. There were some notes on the breakfast bar but before he got to them he pulled out the cereal and milk. He put Rachel on a stool in front of the ingredients and let her do her magic while he read the note.  
  
"Spare key is under the pot plant beside the front door – please leave it there when you're done.   
  
Susan called last night – said for you to give her a call today.   
  
Rachel usually has a nap after lunch.  
  
Could you organise her some dinner, we'll both be late – she should be in bed by eight – but hopefully I'll be back by then. You can have dinner with us if you like – but either way is fine."  
  
The last two notes were obviously added after she'd talked to him. He crunched the note in his hand, feeling like a teenage babysitter – with instructions to follow, 'but go ahead and eat whatever you like and the tv is right over here.'  
  
Meanwhile, Rachel had made quite the mess with fruit loops and milk. She was desperately trying to clean it up when Mark looked at her. She looked up at him with big guilty eyes. He just laughed. "Lets go get some REAL breakfast." 


	41. time of need

Susan put her third cup of coffee on the table and sat down on the couch. The coffee table was piled high with her to-do list. She'd decided to make the most of Mark's absence and get up to date on a few things – like putting photos in albums, a bit of medical reading, reorganising the cookbooks, sorting magazines – to keep or to get rid of…she had to keep busy to keep from missing him or worrying about him. She took a sip of the coffee then put it back down dramatically and picked up the phone, dialling the number from a scrap of paper beside it.  
  
"Hello" Mark picked up a little out of breath after the fifth ring.  
  
"Hey." Susan breathed.  
  
"Oh, hi. I was gonna call you, I just…" she could hear Rachel in the background, laughing. "I was just gonna put Rachel down for her nap – can I call you back?"  
  
"Yeah. Sorry." She hung up, not sure if she was disappointed or not. Ten minutes later the phone rang.  
  
"Sorry it took so long – she wanted a song."  
  
"Well, I can hardly complain, I often ask for the same thing."  
  
Mark sighed, relieved that Rachel was quiet and he had a few minutes, maybe half an hour to talk to Susan.  
  
"So how's it going?"  
  
"Oh, y'know." He replied half-heartedly, hoping his exhaustion wasn't as obvious as it sounded to him.  
  
"No – that's I'm asking."  
  
"About as good as can be expected."  
  
"You okay?"  
  
"Yeah." He lied but knew he couldn't keep it up, "I just feel like I'm intruding. I don't belong here. I just want to bring Rachel home with me and escape now. Jenn and Craig are all too aware of how busy and important they are – so as much as I want to leave, I don't want to leave Rachel here."  
  
"I wish I could do something."  
  
"You do – you're the light at the end of the tunnel as far as I'm concerned. I just wish you were here."  
  
"Are you still coming home tomorrow?"  
  
"Yeah." He sighed again. "I'm so tired. I need… I need you."  
  
Susan didn't know what to say to that.  
  
"Tell me I'm doing the right thing."  
  
"You are an amazing dad when you're given the chance. I've seen it. Jenn must be blind – I mean she gave you up in the first place, and now she can't see how important you are to Rachel – or visa-versa. She's a fool. You're too nice about it."  
  
"Maybe, but I didn't want to fight with her – you know? It never gets anywhere. It just makes things worse. But when it comes to Rachel my first instinct is that she's worth fighting for."  
  
Susan swallowed. She wished she had the answer. "You're amazing."  
  
"No I'm not."  
  
"Yes. You are. I've known you for years and you continue to surprise me. In all this you're only worried about Rachel."  
  
"No I'm not – I mean that's partly it – but I'm worried about me too – I know I'll miss her like crazy. I should be there on her first day of school and for parent-teacher interviews, and to terrify her first boyfriend, and embarrass her on her birthdays and…" his voice trailed off. "See, I'm just being selfish."  
  
"I love you." Susan whispered.  
  
Mark took a controlled breath, like he was struggling not to cry. "Thank you. You don't know how much I needed to hear that."  
  
"Daddy?" Susan could just hear Rachel's voice.  
  
"I'll let you go." She said  
  
"Come here honey." Mark said to Rachel then, "Hold on a sec," to Susan. He lifted Rachel onto his knee, holding the phone under his ear with his shoulder. "Do you want to say hello to Susan?" Rachel nodded.  
  
"Hello Susan."   
  
"Hey Rachel. How are you?" Susan smiled  
  
"I'm okay. I moved house."  
  
"I know. Is it a nice house?"  
  
"I liked the old one better – but this is bigger."  
  
"Oh. And are you having fun with Dad?"  
  
"Yeah." Rachel laughed. "We had icecream for breakfast."  
  
"Shhhh!" Susan could hear Mark hiss and she laughed.  
  
"And Daddy said I could come stay with you and we could go iceskating again."  
  
"Good. I'd like that." Susan said.  
  
"Okay. Do you want to talk to Daddy now?"  
  
"Okay. I'll see you later."   
  
Rachel gave the phone back to Mark but stayed nestled on his lap.  
  
"Ice cream eh?"  
  
"Yeah, well I said she could have whatever she liked – and you know I couldn't go back on my word." He explained half-heartedly. "Just don't tell your mum about breakfast." He ticked Rachel who squirmed for a second then snuggled closer to him.  
  
"So what else have you been doing?"  
  
"We did a bit of shopping and then went to the park and she exhausted me, brought me home and made me eat my lunch before my nap. Oh, wait I think I got that muddled."  
  
Susan laughed. "You know those baby books say that you should sleep when your kids do."  
  
"Sounds wise."  
  
"Okay, well I'll let you go have your nap. And I'll pick you up from the station – at four right?"  
  
"Yeah. Oh, and thanks."  
  
"What? For picking you up?"  
  
"No, I meant for cheering me up – for calling and all. I needed to talk to you. You're good for me."  
  
"Okay, goodnight sleepy-head."  
  
"Bye." He grinned and dropped the phone onto the sofa, carrying a dozy Rachel up to her room to resume their nap. 


	42. almost convinced

Susan got to work an hour early, to beg Kerry to let her leave early. To no avail.  
  
"Not today. No body leaves early today." She had said, quickly turning away to talk to one of the inspectors. They were 'just looking around' and 'writing up a quick report' but somehow their looking and reporting cast an exhaustingly heavy shadow over the whole ER.  
  
Susan planned to call Mark on her break and let him know to meet her at home. And she would have if Mark hadn't called first.  
  
"Change of plans," he began.  
  
"You okay?"  
  
"Yeah, but there's a mechanical problem and we're going to be late."  
  
"Oh, well, I can't get off till six anyway. I was about to call you."  
  
"It doesn't sound like I'll be getting back by then anyway. I'll just get a cab and see you at home."  
  
"Are you sure? I don't mind picking you up."  
  
"Na, I have no idea what time it'll be. Plus this way I get to surprise you."  
  
Susan laughed.  
  
"Okay, I better go." He relished the sound of her laughter. "I can't wait to see you."  
  
"Yeah." Susan agreed, "I've missed you this week."  
  
"I've learnt a few things this week."  
  
"Like what?"  
  
"Like things about love. Like that it can mean doing what's best for Rachel even if it hurts me. And that it can be this amazing healing thing full of strength… and trust… or maybe that's just you. You know what you are?"  
  
"No, what am I?"  
  
"You are home."  
  
"Yes."  
  
"No, I mean… I know you are AT home, but I meant that you are my home – no matter where you are, if I'm there I'm home."  
  
"Oh."  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"I love you Mark."  
  
"I know. It's a crazy thing. But I know." He sighed, smiling. "Okay, I better go."  
  
"Yeah. See you soon, hopefully."  
  
"Bye." He breathed.  
  
"Bye." She hung up. Well, at least she didn't have to kiss Kerry's ass and grovel to finish early anymore. And she had a chance to clean up the house. She had almost convinced herself she wasn't disappointed he'd be late. 


	43. remarkable

Mark let himself in silently, stealing a look at the clock – quarter to eight. All the lights were off but she wasn't in the lounge or the kitchen.  
  
"If I had a million dollars, I'd build a tree fort in our yard, if I had a million dollars, you could help it wouldn't be that hard," she sang in the bathroom.  
  
Mark laughed silently and snuck in, holding his breath expecting the door to squeak but it didn't. She was knelt over the toilet, brush in hand, cleaning.  
  
"If I had a million dollars, If I had a million dollars, I'd buy you an exotic pet, like a llama, or an emu. If I had a million dollars, If I had a million dollars, well I'd buy John Mark's remains, all those crazy elephant bones…" she sang.  
  
When she stopped he softly spoke: "Remarkable."  
  
She almost jumped out of her skin, spinning on her knees, then shutting her eyes in relief, trying to calm herself. "Oh my gosh." She dropped the toilet brush and put one yellow-gloved hand to her chest with a deep breath. She opened her eyes half grinning, half laughing.  
  
Mark was grinning unabashedly, "It's remarkable that you can look that stunning bent over a toilet."  
  
She'd pulled off her gloves and was getting to her feet. He closed the gap between them and gathered her to him. "Welcome home." She kissed his neck – she couldn't reach his face because he held her so tightly to his chest.  
  
"Oh gosh, it's good to be home." He loosened his grasp just enough to kiss a trail of kisses down one side of her face, from her forehead to her chin teasingly before she claimed his lips desperately.  
  
With the least possible space between their lips, and for as little time as possible, he managed to say, "I hope you were finished with the toilet." He picked her up and she willingly wrapped her legs around his waist, still kissing him, and half laughing – at him or just with the joy of seeing him? Neither were sure. 


	44. sunflowers on ice

A couple of months later…  
  
Susan yawned, trying to hide it hopelessly.  
  
Mark exited exam 1 and leaned on the desk beside her, dropping his last chart on the desk triumphantly. He'd seen her yawn. "We can go out another night if you like."  
  
"No." she yawned again. "I just need to learn to breath properly." She laughed. "Plus, I have a GREAT idea – and that doesn't happen every day."  
  
"Susan, care to do the Doctor thing?" Kerry poked her head and crutch out of curtain one.  
  
"Only one doctor I'd like to DO as such, but I could probably think of a few I'd like to DO IN." she muttered before pushing herself off the desk and heading for the curtain.  
  
"Ditto." Mark laughed. "Oh, wait, Sus…"  
  
"Yeah." She turned around, oblivious to Kerry's inevitable snark.  
  
"Do I need a jacket?"  
  
"Definitely. We're gonna be outside. Gloves, all that…" she replied.  
  
"Mysterious…" he held her eye contact adoringly.  
  
She smiled, forcing herself to break away and get back to work.  
  
"Save it for home time in the future Lewis." Kerry snarked as Susan stepped up to the gurney.  
  
"I did – only my roster changed." Susan was supposed to have finished half an hour ago. So was Mark but a last minute trauma changed that… as usual. Doug had called in sick so Susan wasn't going anywhere.  
  
"It happens."  
  
"Yeah, I know, you're just the bearer of bad tidings."  
  
"Don't shoot the messenger."  
  
"Na, I'll shoot Doug. Strange how Carol isn't in today either."  
  
Kerry looked up surprised but Susan was looking at the patient, purposefully avoiding Kerry's eyes.  
  
**  
  
"Okay, we haven't had anyone walk through those doors in half an hour. You don't need me." Susan had given up mature hinting and whined like a child.  
  
"Hot date eh?" Kerry was flicking through files, half listening.  
  
"Not really." Susan sat back in a chair in admin.  
  
"Flip – Mark'd be impressed by your enthusiasm."  
  
"I'm sure the last thing you want to know is how hot I think Mark is, but I meant that the date won't be cuz we're ice skating."  
  
"Oh."  
  
"Oh, come on Kerry, give me a break."   
  
"Yeah, I definitely think you should." Mark approached admin – he'd just come in from outside.  
  
"Oh, no, not you too. You know there have to be a certain number of staff on."  
  
"So put me on call." Susan walked around the desk and put her arm around Mark's waist. He'd been hiding a sunflower behind his back and hadn't had a chance to figure out how to hide it when she found it.  
  
She looked at him, "Hey, I thought I was surprising you."  
  
"Yah, well." He handed her the flower.  
  
"Thank you." She looked at it. "Hey, its way too cold for sunflowers, where'd u…?"  
  
"Where there's a will there's a way."  
  
"That's your ideology for getting out of work too eh?" Kerry butted in.  
  
The both looked at her pleadingly.  
  
"Yeah, yeah. Get out of here." Kerry waved. "But keep that pager on – both of you."  
  
"Yes sir." Mark saluted her as they escaped laughing into the cold night air. "Hey, wait a sec." Mark pulled Susan around to face him. "I've wanted to do this all day." He kissed her, softly at first. Then adoringly, then desperately.  
  
"Wow." She said when he gave her the chance.   
  
He grinned cheekily.  
  
"Why didn't you?" she looked up at him.  
  
He shrugged. "Makes it harder to go the rest of the day without it."  
  
"Come on." She took his hand.  
  
"Oh, my surprise."  
  
"Yup." 


	45. swept me off my feet

When he saw the ice he stopped walking, shaking his head slightly and smiling.  
  
"Well, come on." Susan prompted.  
  
"But last time…" he remembered falling on his face all too well.  
  
"Practise makes perfect. Plus…" she walked backwards toward the skate-hire, "the whole de-ja-vu thing… so sexy." She turned around and asked for her size.  
  
Mark caught up. "You…" he grabbed her waist,  
  
She squealed and spun around in his hands.  
  
"Here you go ma'am." The attendant put her skates on the carpet-topped counter.  
  
"Thanks," she picked them up by the laces.  
  
Mark said his size and took the skates over to a bench resigned to his fate.  
  
Susan had hers on well before him and she pushed out into the middle of the rink.  
  
"Come on baby, keep up." She taunted.  
  
Mark grinned at her, trying to be annoyed at her choice of activity, but he couldn't keep it up. She was so… she took his breath away. She was spinning around and laughing. He pushed off a little cautiously, then he got some speed up, but by the time he reached her he hadn't figured out how he was going to stop. He grabbed onto her and they both spun around. She was outright laughing at him now. She slowly unwrapped him from her coat and got him standing upright.   
  
"You okay?"  
  
"Yeah, other than the near-death experience."  
  
"You're used to them anyway, you work in an ER." She took his hands. The rink was almost deserted. Just a few people at the edges. Susan took his hands.  
  
"Where are your gloves?"  
  
"At home." He replied, "but I'm kind of hoping I don't need my hands on the ice so much."  
  
Susan laughed and started skating backward, pulling him toward her so he was skating slowly. "See, it's not so bad."  
  
"Yeah but you'd make anything bearable." He smiled wryly.  
  
"This is too much." She looked up at him. "Why do you love me so much?"  
  
He shrugged and shook his head half-heartedly, "Look at you. You're so alive, so… breathtaking. I didn't have a whole lot of choice in the matter."  
  
She stopped skating so he ran into her. She kissed him while they spun, but he was too busy trying to stay upright to respond. "Mark." She called his attention away from his balance, "I've got you."  
  
He sighed, unable to tear his eyes from her face. He pulled her to him and kissed her again. And again. It could go on like this all night. And he wasn't getting any better at ice skating.  
  
He pulled back breathless and cleared his throat, "anyway."  
  
She laughed, "you're crazy." She took his hand and pulled him along beside her.  
  
The skated silently at a comfortable pace. She kept looking over at him. She couldn't help it. She'd loved him for a long time. But this was something more. He amazed her. Every time he looked at her all she could see in his eyes was total adoration. It was humbling. How could she deserve that? She desperately wanted to but how could she? It wasn't as though he thought she was perfect – he knew everything about her – all the not-so-presentable bits too. That's what made this so amazing. She lifted his hand to her lips affectionately.  
  
Unfortunately her tiny action threw off his tentative balance. She held onto his hand but this only meant she landed, slightly softer, beside him on the ice.  
  
"Argh." He moaned, lying on his back, not even attempting to move.  
  
Susan laughed and got onto her knees. "You okay?"  
  
He rubbed the side of his head.  
  
"Hey." She took his hand away and touched his head so softly. "Guess we will be going back to work tonight."  
  
"Oh no, we'll just do the first-aid thing at home."  
  
"No." she shook her head definitely. She helped him up.  
  
"Oh man." He put his hand to his head and leant on her shoulder as they shuffled across the ice to the skate hire.  
  
"You okay buddy?" the attendant asked  
  
"Yeah, I'll be fine." Mark handed back his skates. Susan paid and asked the guy to call a cab.  
  
"It'll be here in ten minutes."  
  
"Okay, thanks." They walked to the road.  
  
"Is this really necessary?" Mark asked.  
  
"Better safe than sorry."  
  
"Well, what's your diagnosis doctor?"  
  
"I'll have to do a proper exam Mark – but probably a CT and…" she craned her neck to look at it, "eight stitches."  
  
"Oh come on…" he moaned.  
  
She didn't reply at first, then, "I'm sorry for knocking your balance."  
  
"It's okay. I'm sorry I don't have any balance." He kissed her cheek.  
  
The cab was coming up the road so they walked toward it.  
  
**  
  
"Can't we just go home?"   
  
"You know the answer to that." Kerry sighed  
  
Susan walked into the room, her arms full of coffee cups and chocolate bars.  
  
"He can't have that – not till the results are back." Kerry sighed again.  
  
"I had a feeling you'd say that." Susan handed Kerry the coffee. "And as you have NO other patients…" and the chocolate.  
  
"Thanks." she sipped the coffee appreciatively.   
  
"That's quite cruel." Mark lay back defeated. He was exhausted and sore from hitting the ice, and his head was throbbing. "How about some more Tylenol?"  
  
"Not yet." Susan looked at her watch, then to his face. He shut his eyes so they wouldn't give him away.  
  
Kerry started walking out, "I'll check on those results."  
  
"No sign of concussion – that's a good sign." Susan tried to offer some comfort.  
  
"Yeah, but it doesn't mean we're leaving any sooner. How long can it take?"  
  
Susan sat down beside him and took his hand. "If you needed me," she sang, "I would come to you. I would swim the seas, for to ease your pain." He opened his eyes, half smiling. She continued, "In the night forlorn, or the morning's… something," she half laughed at herself, "... and the morning shines with the lights of the dawn… you will miss the sunrise if you close your eyes and that would break my heart in two… he is with me now, since I showed him how, to lay his little hand in mine, and you will agree he's a sight to see," she smiled, "a treasure for the poor to find. And if I needed you would you come to me," he nodded, "would you come to me and ease my pain. If you needed me I would come to you. I would swim the seas, for to ease your pain."  
  
She looked into his eyes, once again amazed at what she found there.  
  
Kerry knocked lightly outside. They both turned to her expectantly.  
  
"Sorry to interrupt." She fumbled. Susan and Mark were both confused by her nervousness. "Um, the reason it took so long… is because they found something."  
  
"You must have whacked it pretty hard." Susan looked at him concerned, then back to Kerry.  
  
Kerry was clearly not wanting to tell them this. "Look, it's not really clear what it is, but there's a growth…" she mumbled off the medical jargon [which I'm sure Susan and Mark understood but this poor aspiring author is an arts student without a clue].  
  
They asked a few questions but Kerry had no answers. "Look, you might as well go home and we'll book you in for an MRI as soon as possible." She looked at Mark. He nodded so slightly.  
  
Mark and Susan walked out solemnly, silently, hand-in-hand.  
  
"You okay?" Susan whispered when the silence became unbearable.  
  
"Yeah." He looked straight ahead. "Just… surprised."  
  
"Yeah." She agreed. "You know what, don't worry. You'll be fine. Whatever this is, we'll beat it. We'll do whatever we have to do. So don't worry. It'll be fine." She was trying to convince herself as much as him.  
  
"Yeah," he turned to her nodding, "Nothing to worry about. We just have to stay positive."  
  
"Exactly."   
  
Neither were convinced.  
  
"Plus, I guess it's a good thing we found it now."  
  
"Yeah – you swept me off my feet and saved my life." He joked but he was too serious.  
  
Still not convinced. 


	46. cryptic

"I have to go." Susan dropped her chart on the counter en route to the elevators.  
  
"Yep. All the best." Kerry took up the chart.  
  
"I didn't know it was that easy to get out of here." Doug grinned, as cheeky and handsome as ever, "Might try that some time."  
  
"Only if you like double shifts Ross." She walked off.  
  
"What's going on?" Carol sidled up to him.  
  
"I have no idea. Susan's taken off upstairs, Mark took the day off and Kerry's being awful."  
  
"That's not unusual,"  
  
"To everyone except Susan."  
  
"Oh. Cryptic. Was Susan taking someone up to the OR?"  
  
"No. She just said she had to go and made for the elevators."  
  
"Hm, well I'll ask her when she gets back."  
  
"She's not coming back." Kerry approached again. "Here, you obviously don't have enough to do." She handed Dr Ross a chart and proceeded to pull several particularly nasty ones off the stack and pile them in his arms. "Come find me when you're finished."  
  
Carol laughed at him. "Nothing unusual here."  
  
**  
  
Susan clenched her teeth, watching him go into the scan. She wouldn't let herself cry. She couldn't. She wouldn't.  
  
"Hey." Elizabeth joined her. "You know you generally have to book this thing?"  
  
"Yeah. Um, sorry. I think Kerry organised this last night."  
  
"This isn't your patient?"  
  
Susan shook her head. Elizabeth looked at her confused, then looked through the glass. She finally spotted the name on the screen. "What happened?"  
  
Susan turned to her, rubbing her forehead. "We were skating last night and he fell."  
  
"Must have been pretty bad."  
  
"No, but the CT found something else."  
  
"What, like a growth?" Elizabeth dared to ask.  
  
Susan bit her lip and nodded, looking through the glass at Mark. "But, you know, it could be nothing.  
  
"Yeah. I hope so." Elizabeth offered, nodding. "Are you okay."  
  
"Yeah." Susan nodded, clenching her jaw.  
  
"Okay." Elizabeth could see right through her, "Just let me know if I can do anything."  
  
"Yeah." Susan whispered, keeping her eyes on Mark as Elizabeth walked away. 'God do something.' She mouthed, almost speaking, blinking furiously. 


	47. smudgy bits

"Now." The doctor began, stepping into his office after them, "It does appear to be a tumor." He quickly continued, "However we've caught it very early. We'll obviously have to do some tests and figure out what we're dealing with. But I'd encourage you both to remain positive."  
  
Mark squeezed her hand, nodding for the doctor.  
  
She turned and smiled at him, but the smile didn't reach her eyes.  
  
"So, we'll set up some appointments and get onto this as soon as possible." The doctor finished.  
  
"That wasn't so bad." Mark said as they walked away.  
  
"Yeah." Susan agreed half-heartedly.  
  
"Though going into the MRI is scary – like going into a tomb." He tried desperately to lighten the mood. It didn't work. "Let's get some lunch." He deadpanned.  
  
Susan sat down opposite him in the diner and looked at the menu, not seeing it at all.  
  
"We'll have two cups of white coffee and I'll have a cheeseburger." Mark told the waitress.  
  
"Yeah, same." Susan pushed the menu aside and looked at Mark.  
  
"Don't look at me like that."  
  
"Like what?"  
  
"Like I'm going somewhere."  
  
"Sorry." She looked down, scratching one eyebrow.   
  
He reached out and took her hands. "I need you not to give up." He pleaded honestly.  
  
"I'm not giving up… I'm just… just scared."  
  
"Me too."  
  
"I know, I'm just… I don't know if I'm strong enough to…" she sighed, not sure how to explain herself, "You keep looking at me like I'm some kind of… angel. I know you think I'm strong, but I'm not."  
  
"Yes you are." He squeezed her hands begging her to look at him.   
  
She looked up with tears in her eyes. "I love you Mark."  
  
"Then I'm gonna be fine." He smiled through his own tears.  
  
"Okay." She smiled back and kissed him over the table, not wanting to break the connection.  
  
"Did I mention that you are the best medicine on the market?"  
  
"That doesn't sound very scientific."  
  
Their food arrived.  
  
"No, but no one ever proved that Cheeseburgers work like anti-depressants, and yet I have to believe it."  
  
She grinned – even now he could laugh, and make her laugh. "You're amazing." She whispered.  
  
"Love is blind."  
  
"Bollocks. Love just sees more than anyone else sees – so people think it's blind. It's only cause I see… all… of you that I adore the smudgy bits as well as the perfection."  
  
He smiled at her, chewing on an unfortunately large mouthful of burger that had smeared all over his face.  
  
"If someone only sees you from a distance, they can't understand… they don't really see you – and they certainly don't see what I see. Or else I'd have more competition."  
  
"No you wouldn't. Compared to you…?" he shook his head, taking another healthy bite. "Your burger's getting cold." He almost choked.  
  
She laughed at his awful manners and picked up her burger. As soon as he swallowed she said through her mouthful, "You're not going to want to go skating again are you."  
  
And it's a good thing he wasn't eating cause he would have choked. 


	48. if you can't do anything then just agree

"So what's your secret?" Carol joined Susan at admin.  
  
Susan just looked confused – how did Carol know?   
  
"How'd you get off work yesterday? Kerry was foul to everyone but you."  
  
"Oh. That. Um, long story. Wanna grab a coffee on your break though?" Susan picked up her next chart.  
  
"Yeah – I'm due for a break in five actually."  
  
"Okay, I'll meet you in the lounge as soon as I can." Susan walked off.  
  
**  
  
"So, is everything okay? I mean are you…?" Carol sipped her coffee.  
  
"Oh, yeah I'm fine. Actually it's Mark. We were ice skating a couple of nights ago and he fell. Anyway, he got a CT cause he gave his head a decent whack…" Susan put her coffee down and took a breath. This wasn't getting much easier for the telling. "They found a tumour in [enter medical jargon here – basically a part of his brain that they know the name for and I aint got a clue]"  
  
"Oh my gosh."  
  
Susan didn't say anything. There was nothing to say.  
  
"Well, is it bad?"  
  
Susan shrugged, "They're doing some tests but we don't really know – except they said we'd caught it early so he's got a good chance, but…" she sighed, "hardly keeps away the worry." She tried to joke.  
  
Carol put her arm around her friend. "Are you okay?"  
  
"Yeah, I'll be fine." Susan leaned into the much-needed comfort.  
  
"Are you sure?"  
  
"Mark's the one with the brain tumour but he seems to be coping better than me in all honesty."  
  
"It's only cause you love him. He'd be a mess if you were sick – hell, he was, it wasn't that long ago."  
  
"I want to be strong – that's what he needs, you know? But I don't think I've got it in me."  
  
"Well, I'm here if you need me." Carol hugged her friend as she cried.  
  
"Thank you." Susan sobbed.  
  
"Hey, I was looking for…" Doug burst in to the diner. "What happened?"  
  
Susan pulled back and looked at him then nodded at Carol to tell him.  
  
"Mark's sick." Carol said simply.   
  
Doug sat down beside them, "Is it serious?"  
  
"They don't really know. They found a tumour – in his brain." Carol bit her lip; aware she was telling a very close friend.  
  
Doug's mouth dropped open and he blinked in disbelief. "What?"  
  
Susan turned to look at him. "He fell over skating, had to get a CT and we're just lucky we found it this early." She tried to be positive.  
  
"So it's early?"  
  
"Yeah. He has a good chance, they said."  
  
"So is he… okay?"  
  
Susan nodded, "He's holding up pretty good." She smiled through the tear stains on her face. "You know Mark."  
  
"Yeah, he's a good guy but hardly mr tough guy." Doug reached out and touched Susan's shoulder – his first instinct, to heal.  
  
Susan smiled, "He's got some fight in him yet."  
  
"It's gonna be okay." Doug insisted, "It's got to be okay, this is Mark. He's too… na, he'll be fine. I'm sure of it."  
  
"Should we visit?" Carol virtually ignored Doug.  
  
"Not yet." Susan looked unsure. "I'll let you know. He doesn't even know I've told you – I just hope he doesn't mind – I can imagine he'd try to pretend nothing was wrong."  
  
"Well, thanks for letting us know anyway." Carol squeezed her friend's hand. "Hey, how did Kerry know?"  
  
"Oh, she was the only ER doctor on when we first came in." Susan explained.  
  
"Oh, so that's why you took off." Doug clicked.  
  
"Yeah, for the MRI."  
  
"Man. Never thought I'd hear that." Doug sighed. "Is there anything I can do?"  
  
"Cure for cancer?" Susan teased. "Na, just be there when he needs you. And pray."  
  
"I didn't know you believed in that stuff." Carol cocked her head to one side.  
  
"Desperate times." Susan gave a half-hearted smile. "It's strangely comforting and right now I'm up for pretty much anything."  
  
"Voodoo and glass balls?" Doug joked  
  
"No my Aunt was into that – put me off forever – boy was she a… an interesting specimen." Susan replied in all seriousness.  
  
"Oh." Doug didn't know what to say – always a pleasure.  
  
Carol laughed at him. "I better get back to work."  
  
"Yeah, me too." Doug stood up. "You going to be okay?"  
  
"Yeah, I've got another ten so I'll catch you inside." Susan sat back in the booth. 'That went okay.' She breathed a sigh of relief. 'Now I just have to tell Mark. God, I wish there was more I could do. There's actually NOTHING. Ugh, I hate being useless.' She squeezed her empty paper coffee cup in her hand. 'Oh, God, please do something. Just something. There's got to be something. Ugh, I'll just go see him.' She sighed and walked out of the diner. The ambulance bay doors and the bustle of people were a bit too much so she went up the stairwell fire-exit.  
  
When she found Mark she was still puffing from her run up the stairs.  
  
"You okay?" He asked, smiling to see her.  
  
"Oh, yeah. I took the stairs."  
  
"Yeah but, you've been crying."  
  
"Oh." Susan sat beside him. "That."  
  
He took her hand.  
  
"How can you tell anyway?"  
  
"Your make up."  
  
"Oh, crap." She put one hand to her cheek, wiping away the mascara she imagined was smudged across it, then the other.  
  
"It's okay." He insisted, taking her hand. "But why were you crying?"  
  
She looked at him like it was a stupid question. "I told Doug and Carol." She admitted.  
  
"Oh." He didn't give away whether or not he minded.  
  
"Carol asked me what was going on and I couldn't lie to her – I really needed to tell someone. Then Doug walked in and…"  
  
"It's okay. They're my friends – they should know. But I should probably tell Jenn and Rachel – I just want to know what it is – you know? I don't want them to worry more than they have to."  
  
"Fair enough."  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"So how's it going?"  
  
"I feel like a lab rat." He grinned goofily.  
  
She smiled at him, loving him more every moment. "Any word on results?"  
  
He shook his head. "They don't tell me much – well, except, they suggested this clinic in New York. I'd fly over for a few days. If I had surgery that's where I'd have to go too."  
  
"Oh." Susan didn't know what to say. She hadn't really thought about surgery. The risks were huge – well, too much for her comfort. But then none of this was comfortable.  
  
"I was going to go down stairs – talk to Kerry about some time off."  
  
"I will. I'd like to come too."  
  
"Susan, I have to fly there."  
  
"So…? I'll be fine. It's not important."  
  
"Are you sure?"  
  
"Yeah, absolutely."  
  
"Cause having you there would be the best I could ask."  
  
"I'll be there." She reached over to hug him. "I love you. So much." 


	49. only so many goodbyes

[You guys know this bit of the story – only it's a couple of years earlier than in actual ER. I have no idea how fast cancer grows but I'm doing the author's choice and this is slow growing. This bit of the story is for some friends of mine who went thru this. They probably won't read this but it's for them anyway. Fortunately for them they found it early (when they got back from their honeymoon no less) and now he's fine. With a very impressive scar down the middle of his abs that he's o-so-proud of.]  
  
"Oh, hey, I was looking for you." Susan said on finally finding Kerry in the lounge.  
  
"Yeah, what's up?"  
  
"Um… I need to switch some more shifts." She sighed, knowing that she was pushing it.  
  
"For you or for Mark?" Kerry stood up, realising her break was over.  
  
"Both actually."  
  
"Oh, look, I'm really sorry, but we're short staffed as it is." The disappointment was all too unintentionally-evident on Susan's face. Kerry reconsidered, "How long for?"  
  
"He has to go to New York for a clinic."  
  
"Oh, I'm really sorry." Kerry assumed this meant the worst.  
  
"Well, they don't really know anything yet – they just want to figure out what we're dealing with. And, anyway, I was hoping to go with him, you know?"  
  
"Look, I'll take a look but I really can't see anyway that we can manage without you both for several days straight."  
  
"Okay. That's okay. I don't really need to go, I just thought…"  
  
"I wish I could tell you otherwise."  
  
"Na." Susan waved her hand pretending not to mind and exited the lounge quickly to cover her transparent features.  
  
**  
  
"Okay." Susan sighed, pulling Mark's scarf tight around his neck, avoiding his eyes. But she knew her chances of getting through this goodbye without tears were slim to none.  
  
"Susan." He grabbed her hands and waited for her to look at him.  
  
"I'm so sorry I can't come. Maybe I should just quit and call tomorrow from New York to tell them."  
  
Mark smiled at her. "I'll be back in four days."  
  
"Call me when you get there."  
  
"I will."  
  
"And no invasive surgery."  
  
He shook his head, holding his lips in a grim line. "I love you."  
  
She reached up into his embrace, holding him as tight as she could. "Can I have you forever?"  
  
"Yes." He whispered into her neck.  
  
There were tears streaming down her face but she wasn't even going to try and hide them.  
  
His flight was called over the intercom. Susan pulled him tighter.  
  
"It's okay, they've only just started boarding."  
  
She forced herself to let go. She looked at him, smiling slightly through her tears.  
  
"You know what I was thinking?"  
  
she shook her head, "I've tried, but reading your mind is beyond my expertise."  
  
"I was thinking about how this would be if you'd never come back."  
  
"I would have come back."  
  
"No, I mean, if we'd not kept in touch – you know? If this had never happened. You probably did save my life but without you I was only surviving anyway… you really did save my life."  
  
"You saved mine too." She whispered. "I love you." She ran one hand down his jaw line, guiding his lips to her own for one desperate, sacred kiss. Then she just hugged him until the last call was made for his flight.  
  
"Don't worry about me." She pulled back.  
  
She laughed, "Don't be ridiculous."  
  
He cocked his head to one side, smiling at her. "I have to go."  
  
"Then go, you're killing me here."  
  
He kissed her soundly, promising he'd return soon.  
  
"Goodbye." She whispered in a last fleeting embrace.  
  
"Bye." He squeezed her hand, backing toward the gate. "I'll call as soon as I land."  
  
She nodded wordlessly and watched him go, ignoring the paralysing fear that they'd said too many goodbyes. Maybe they only got so many.  
  
** 


	50. i'll come to you

"Dr Ross, you're gonna have to pick up some extra shifts, what do you want?" Kerry pushed a roster in front of him. He knew who's name had been erased from all the blanks.  
  
"Sure." He wrote his name in a couple.  
  
"Hey, I can get some of those." Susan took the paper from him before Kerry got a chance.  
  
"You don't need to." Kerry insisted.  
  
Susan looked up at her. "I want some more shifts."  
  
"Susan, you don't need to do this." Doug tried.  
  
"I'm fine!" she realised how loud she'd said that. "Look, thanks for trying to help but honestly," she sighed, "honestly, I'd rather be here, useful and busy, than home. Okay?"  
  
"Okay." Kerry gave in handing Susan a pen.  
  
**  
  
Susan collapsed on the couch, deciding then and there she wasn't going to make it to bed before she slept. She kicked off her shoes. 'that was a record – thirty two hours straight, and only an hour's nap. Not bad. Wonder what Mark's doing? Hope he's sleeping.' It was early Saturday morning – as in somewhere around dawn. She'd signed up for an afternoon shift but Kerry had changed the roster and now she was off till Monday. 'Probably wise, but I'm going to complain anyway. I can't sleep for two days straight and if I'm awake then chances are I'm gonna be thinking about… God, I miss him. But it's too early, I can't call now.' She lifted her feet onto the couch and sunk into the pillows.  
  
When she woke the room was well lite up by the white-grey sky outside. Not a spot of blue on the horizon. In fact not a single inflection in the solid grey backdrop that appropriately hung behind Chicago. She was wide awake. Achy but awake. And starving. She looked at her watch and picked up the phone. It was mid afternoon. She just hoped he wasn't in the hospital cause he wouldn't have his pager on.  
  
In fact he was napping. He'd been poked and prodded for two days straight, he was exhausted. But when the phone rang he couldn't risk missing her. "Yello" he said sleepily, then yawned as if on cue.  
  
"Hey." She was so relieved to hear his voice.  
  
"Hi." His rapture was clear even in his throaty voice.  
  
"You okay?"  
  
"Yeah, I was just napping."  
  
"Oh did I wake you?"  
  
"Not really. But I wanted to hear your voice. I couldn't dream of it. I wanted to but I couldn't dream you up."  
  
She loved listening to him talk when he was sleepy – he mumbled and rambled without a lot of sense or purpose but she loved every syllable of it. "You don't have to, I'm real."   
  
"Good. I miss you."  
  
"I miss you too."  
  
"How's county?"  
  
"Just the same."  
  
"Doug said you'd taken on half my shifts. You know if you give yourself a heart attack you're going to be no use to me."  
  
"I'm fine. Just a little tired. Anyway, how are you?"  
  
"The same – just tired."  
  
"Any answers yet?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
He obviously wasn't keen to tell her. This would be easier, or at least better, in person.  
  
"Well…"  
  
"It's malignant."  
  
She forced a controlled breath but daren't speak.  
  
"They said that surgery was the best option – it's still small and if they can get it now they hope to get it for good. Plus I don't want radiation or chemo – at least not unless I have to."  
  
She still couldn't speak.  
  
"Susan?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Are you okay?"  
  
She nodded forgetting he couldn't see her.  
  
"Susan?"  
  
"Yeah. I'm fine."  
  
"Don't lie." He whispered. "They're really positive. But they want to do the surgery as soon as possible."  
  
"When?" she choked – she knew the risks.  
  
"They said next week."  
  
"Okay." She forced herself to speak. "Are you going to come back?"  
  
"I hadn't decided."  
  
"Then I'll come to you."  
  
He was silent for a moment, then smiled, "like the song."  
  
"What song?"  
  
"That one you always sing, you know? 'If I needed you would you come to me, would you come to me, for to ease my pain?'"  
  
"Oh, that song." She breathed, holding one hand restlessly to her nose, her eyes, her mouth, her eyes.  
  
"Yeah. I like that one."  
  
"Me too."  
  
"Okay, so should I stay?"  
  
"Yeah, I'll get there as soon as I can."  
  
"You know where I am?"  
  
"Yeah, you gave me all the details." She checked the pad by the phone, "Got 'em."  
  
"Okay. I'll see you soon then."  
  
"Yeah. Mark." She called him back, afraid he'd hang up; afraid that was one more goodbye.  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"I love you." She breathed hopelessly.  
  
"I love you too. Come soon."  
  
"I will. Bye." It was barely audible but he knew what she'd said. And he knew why she hated to say it. He wished he could take away her fear. He was scared but not that scared. If she was the one who got sick he knew he'd be worse. But it amazed him how much she loved him. 'I must have done something right somewhere.' Somehow he knew he'd make it through – if she'd just be there with him – that's all he needed. It wasn't medically sound. But nothing really was. 


	51. tonight

Mark pulled himself out of the taxi. The doctor's words rolled around his ears not making sense anymore. As the cab drove away he forced one foot in front of the other, holding off his fatigue until he got to his room.  
  
He stepped out of the elevator in a daze and blinked, rubbing his face, remembering his room was to the left. As he walked he fumbled in one pocket for his key. He unlocked the door and went to open it, only to find he'd actually locked it. He rubbed his head, 'flip I must be tired, unless I never locked it this morning? Not so smart… oh well.' He opened the door, knowing he should actually care that his room may have been unlocked all day. He flicked on the lights, letting the door shut behind him. He slipped off his shoes and made for the bed. He didn't really look at it, only noticed it hadn't been made – they usually serviced his room every day… 'my mind must be playing tricks on me… wait, it can't be…' He recognised the goldilocks sleeping in his bed and slapped one hand over his face, as if to keep from laughing. She'd come! He didn't want to wake her – not if she'd been doing the awful shifts Doug had described. Mark found his last reserves of energy and called room service for some dinner.  
  
Susan woke to his voice – he was talking to someone. Not her though. She didn't want to open her eyes but she did, and smiled affectionately at the familiar silhouette by the window. She folded the blankets off her and walked over to him, running a hand across his shoulder then kneeling on the floor beside him as he pulled her closer.  
  
"Thank you." He hung up the phone. "Hey!" He turned to face her and she shuffled forward, between his knees, hugging him tenderly.  
  
"Hello." She kissed his chest, where he held her head to it.  
  
He let her go and kissed her properly. "Thank you for coming."  
  
"I may have lost my job, but I had to come." She touched his face tentatively, like a precious curiosity that might be more delicate and breakable than it looked.  
  
"I need you tonight." He admitted brokenly.  
  
She agreed sadly, "Are you okay?"  
  
He nodded unconvincingly before he saw the pleading in her eyes and shook his head, swallowing. "I'm so tired."  
  
She nodded, "Come on," and pulled him to his feet, guiding him to the bed. He sat on the edge and she lay him down and pulled the covers over, sitting on the edge. He watched her, wanting her to stop and sit and just be there with him, talk to him, tell him 'it will be okay' and all the other redundant clichés that he couldn't quite bring himself to believe. He took her hand where it lay on her leg. She smiled at him and he couldn't tell if it was hope or sorrow in her eyes. "How's that?"  
  
"Perfect." He brought her hand to his lips, holding her eyes with his own.  
  
"What time do we need to be at the hospital?"  
  
"Ten tomorrow morning. The details are on the desk." He shut his eyes, but he didn't want to sleep because he'd missed her for too long.  
  
Susan stood and got the papers off the desk. She flicked through them, sitting cross-legged on the other side of the bed. Maybe, if she thought about the technical side of the whole thing she could stay a little more objective, a little less affected, terrified, a little stronger for him. Putting the papers on her bedside table she lay down one hand across his chest, the other holding his, she curled up beside him. 


	52. someone like you

Susan got up when their dinner arrived and told the attendant to keep his voice down. He put the tray on the sideboard and left. She lifted the cover off one plate – it looked amazing – like a hot, home cooked meal full of things that didn't have ratings in diet books.  
  
"Susan?" Mark said sleepily, feeling the cold where she'd been beside him.  
  
"Hey." She padded across to the side of the bed and knelt on the floor. "Dinner's arrived."  
  
"Oh, good I'm starving."  
  
"And no food after midnight so you better make up for it now."  
  
He just grinned and sat up.  
  
Susan put the tray on the bed and sat cross-legged beside him. "Good choice."  
  
"Yeah, looks good." He agreed, taking up his knife and fork.  
  
They ate in virtual silence until Susan put the tray and dirty dishes back on the sideboard.  
  
"You want to go back to sleep?" she flicked on the electric jug.  
  
"Na, I'll never sleep through if I don't stay up a bit later."  
  
"Okay, well do you want to watch a movie or something?"  
  
He thought for a moment then shook his head, "Na, lets walk."  
  
"You sure?"  
  
He nodded, "Fresh air."  
  
**  
  
They stepped out into the crisp New York air and wandered hand-in-hand. Mark had a vague idea where they were but Susan wasn't paying attention. That is, until they got to the ice rink at central park.  
  
"We have quite the knack." Susan laughed.  
  
"Yeah. You know you're not talking me into it this time."  
  
"Yeah, I know." She slipped her arm around his waist. "But you'll have to conquer your fear one day."  
  
"Oh, I dunno. I could quite happily just not skate for the rest of my life."  
  
Both ignored the uncertainty of the end of his statement. Or tried to.  
  
"Hey, I was thinking…" Mark broke the painful silence, "Well, this might not be the best time to bring this up, but carpe diem right?"  
  
Susan smiled, "go on."  
  
He stopped walking and turned to her. "I wanna marry you. We postponed it at first cause of the baby, and then things just kept popping up and…"  
  
"Yeah I know." She agreed.  
  
"What do you say?"  
  
She held up her left hand, the ring shining in the reflection off the ice below them (they're on the board walk thing – like that bit in 'serendipity' – yah, this poor author has never been to NY – it's a long way from Christchurch, New Zealand.)  
  
"What about setting a date?" he asked as if he were stepping out on a limb and didn't know what she'd say.  
  
"Mark, I want to marry you more than anything, but… I…"  
  
"Oh, right."  
  
"I do, you know I do. I want every moment with you forever. But I want to promise you the rest of my life and not be wondering how long that's going to be." She wasn't sure if she wanted to take it back once she'd said it.  
  
"Yeah, I know." He sighed.  
  
"Lets just wait and see."  
  
Mark nodded.  
  
"I promise I'll marry you."  
  
"Don't leave it too late."  
  
"Don't say that." Susan took both his hands and lifted them to her lips so that she didn't have to meet his eyes. But he could see the tears glistening on her cheeks. He took her face in his hands and kissed away the stains.  
  
"I love you so much. Please don't be sad."  
  
"I'm trying." She kissed his mouth soundly then pulled him into an embrace, standing on her tiptoes, trying to envelope him and protect him, wishing with every fibre of her being that she could.  
  
He held her, feeling all the comfort of her. Somehow he was happy. He was even relaxed. He could quite contentedly stand here forever. But she let him go and took his hand as if to keep walking. He pulled it back to cover a yawn.  
  
She looked at him as if to say 'it's up to you what we do now'.  
  
"Let's go back to the hotel." He took her hand with a cheeky grin, "There's one more thing I'd like to do before I sleep."  
  
Her eyes lit up, smiling though there were plenty more tears waiting in the wings. "I'd like that."  
  
"Well I can't promise much, I'm pretty tired." They started walking back.  
  
"Honestly," she kissed the hand she held, "with you it's the best it's ever been. I've never been disappointed."  
  
He laughed, "Thank you. And ditto."  
  
"Don't do that, don't say things just cause I say them."  
  
"I'm not. What? You think you have competition? I've never been with anyone as amazing as you. You may not believe me but some things are true whether you believe them or not."  
  
Susan shook her head smiling. "I can't believe we're having this conversation."  
  
"Hey, you started it."  
  
She laughed, looking up as it started to snow. She stopped walking. "Look." She pointed up into the dark sky. With the snow falling at them it felt like they were flying upwards at incredible speed.  
  
Mark let out a suspended breath and they kept walking.  
  
**  
  
Mark curled up, his head on Susan's chest. She ran her fingers over his head, kissing it occasionally.  
  
"Sing me to sleep." He whispered.  
  
"Okay." She smiled slightly remembering their tradition, "um… I don't wanna close my eyes, I don't wanna fall asleep cause I'll miss you babe and I don't wanna miss a thing," her voice came dangerously close to breaking but she swallowed the inevitable tears and kept going, "cause even when I dream of you… the sweetest dream would never do, I'd still miss you babe… and I don't wanna miss a thing." She ran her fingers across his forehead, "I don't wanna miss one smile, I don't wanna miss one kiss," she kissed the top of his head, "I just wanna be with you right here with you, just like this. I just wanna hold you close," she sniffed, "with your heart so close to mine, I just wanna stay here in this moment for all the rest of time." She swallowed and paused to long, "I don't wanna close my eyes, I don't wanna fall asleep cause I'll miss you babe and I don't wanna miss a thing. And even when I dream of you… the sweetest dream would never do, I'd still miss you babe and I don't want to miss a thing…" she stopped, biting her lip to keep from sobbing but letting the tears fall.  
  
"Don't stop." Mark whispered.  
  
She'd hoped he'd fallen asleep – then she could be sad without pretending to be strong for his sake. "I need a happier song."  
  
"Sounds good."  
  
"Okay, let me think. L is for the way you look at me. O is for the only one I see. V, is very very extraordinary. E is even more than any one that you adore. Love is all that I can give to you. Love is more than just a game for two. Two in love can make it. Take my heart and please don't break it. Love was made for me and you."  
  
Mark laughed. "I like that one."  
  
"Shhh… go to sleep."  
  
"Only if you keep singing."  
  
"Okay, but quietly. You are the sunshine of my life. That's why I'll always be around. You are the apple of my eye. Forever you'll stay in my heart." He looked like he was asleep but she knew he was listening. "I've been searching a long time. For someone exactly like you. I've been travelling all around the world, waiting for you to come through. Someone like you, make it all worth while. Someone like you keep me satisfied. Someone exactly like you. I've been doing some soul searching. Find out where you at. I've been up and down the highway, in all kinds of foreign lands. Someone like you, make it all worth while. Someone like you keep me satisfied. Someone exactly like you." She sighed, "Someone exactly like you…" 


	53. patient

Susan was holding his hand like a lifeline. The anaesthetic could kick in any time now.  
  
"I'll see you soon." She smiled. No tears today.  
  
"Yeah. Hey, I was thinking – you should get one of those magazines – with wedding stuff. Start getting some ideas."  
  
She just nodded, her no tears resolve weakening.  
  
"It'll keep your mind off me."  
  
"Sure it will." She smiled, her eyes wet.  
  
"I'm going now." He squeezed her hand, feeling the heaviness wash over him.  
  
"Bye." She whispered, putting his hand on the gurney beside him.  
  
"This way miss." A nurse guided her to the waiting area. "You know this is going to take a while?"  
  
Susan nodded.  
  
"Well, if you want coffee or anything there's machines just down the hall – it's not flash but…"  
  
"I know. It's probably better than county." She said more to herself.  
  
"You're a nurse?"  
  
"Um, a doctor – intern in the ER, in Chicago."  
  
"Oh. Is he…?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"They'll take good care of him – these are the best neurosurgeons in the country."  
  
"Yeah, I know." Susan wasn't feeling a whole lot better about it.  
  
"Okay, well, I'll just be down the hall if you need the company."  
  
"Thanks." Susan sat down and picked up the magazine off the top of the pile. Some teen thing with Leonardo DiCaprio on the cover. Next… Bride. 'That's ironic.' Susan flipped open the cover, a wry smile gracing her lips. This would be a long day.  
  
**  
  
Susan took the third paper cup out of the coffee machine.  
  
"Hey." She said absentmindedly to the friendly nurse she'd spoken to that morning.  
  
"How's it going?" the nurse replied.  
  
Susan shrugged, "but my caffeine is through the roof."  
  
"I doubt it, you work in an ER right? You have a high tolerance."  
  
"This is true." Susan agreed.  
  
"Do you want me to go and see how much longer…?"  
  
"You can do that?"  
  
"This isn't a regular hospital."  
  
"That'd be great."  
  
"Okay, I'll be right back."  
  
Susan wandered back to the lounge, nursing her coffee.  
  
The nurse returned, doctor in tow.  
  
Susan stood on seeing them enter, a thousand questions in her eyes but her mouth didn't move.  
  
"Doctor Lewis?" The doctor stopped as he met her.  
  
"Yeah, how'd it go?" she said to quickly.  
  
"Really well. Unfortunately with this kind of surgery we won't know until he wakes up, and then there's several tests and of course we won't know for sure until we get the results, but as far as I can see, we got all of it and his chances are very high."  
  
It sounded good. But Susan knew what he wasn't allowed to say – no promises. Anything could happen yet. "Can I see him?"  
  
This wasn't procedure – family weren't usually allowed in until the patient was awake. But the doctor saw the look in Susan's eye and nodded. The nurse smiled confused. "I'll show you the way."  
  
"Thanks." Susan looked at the doctor sincerely and followed.  
  
**  
  
He just looked like he was sleeping – well, except for the brace around his head. Susan swallowed and sat down on the chair offered.  
  
"Just let me know if there's anything I can get you." The nurse said and left.  
  
Susan took his hand and squeezed it with a deep sigh. She watched his face. It captivated her. She lost track of time sitting there. He seemed to smile – in fact several emotions seemed to flit across his face. Susan couldn't decide if this was good or bad. But then his fingers moved in her hand. This was definitely good.  
  
"Mark?" she asked of the silence.   
  
Nothing.  
  
She sighed.   
  
Then he groaned, just quietly. In fact she only heard him cause the room was so deathly silent. She stood up, knowing that trying not to get her hopes up was never going to work and she may as well give it up. His face showed no change.  
  
"Mark…" she whispered in the silence, sitting down again. "If I needed you," she whispered, "would you come to me, would you come to me, and ease my pain? If you needed," she swallowed, "I would come to you. I would swim the seas for to ease your pain." She took a controlled deep breath. "Don't you close your eyes, you'll miss the sunrise, and that would break my heart in two. If you…" she stopped, letting the tears come. It hit her all at once that she was alone. Completely alone. She held his hand but he wasn't there. It could be hours till he woke, maybe longer.  
  
"Keep singing." He whispered into her swiftly darkening thoughts.   
  
Susan assumed she'd imagined it. Then he squeezed her hand.  
  
Her eyes found his. Her face lit up. She stood, a teary smile looking down on him. She shook her head, bit her lip and swallowed her tears hopelessly. "Hey." She managed to whisper  
  
He smiled sleepily. "Don't cry."  
  
"I'm not."  
  
"You're dripping on me." He grinned, his eyes falling shut as he opened them again.  
  
"Sorry," she sniffed and wiped her face. She pulled the chair closer and sat down. "How are you feeling?"  
  
"Heavy." He slurred. "Can you stay here? I think I need to sleep."  
  
"Yeah. I'm not going anywhere." She took his hand in both of hers.  
  
**  
  
She'd spent three nights that week hunched over the edge of a hospital bed. Mark was doing well but he wasn't out of the woods yet. Susan on the other hand was struggling. The nurse sent her home, promising she'd call if anything changed. Susan sat in the hotel bed. The Simpsons was on in the background. She wasn't really watching it but she couldn't sleep. She'd brought a few magazines from the hospital – something to keep her mind off Mark the nurse had said. Sure. He'd looked better today. He'd been awake for eight hours with a few naps in there. He insisted he was fine and wanted to leave. But there were tests and scans and 'observations'. They both knew the procedure fairly well but that didn't make it a whole lot easier.  
  
'Well, might as well give these magazines a try.' She flicked off the tv and picked one up.  
  
**  
  
"Hey, you look better." Mark said as Susan entered his room.  
  
"So do you." She smiled and kissed him lightly, letting her hand linger on her face. "Any news?"  
  
He shook his head. "But they said they might have some results this afternoon."  
  
She nodded with a smile. "Hey, I have something for you." She reached into her bag and handed him a miniature silk sunflower.  
  
He laughed. "That's great."  
  
"And this." She pulled a folded piece of paper from her pocket, unfolded it and handed it to him, "What do you reckon?"  
  
He looked confused, looking at the torn magazine page. "What about it?"  
  
"Christmas… Marry me at Christmas?"  
  
A smile spread over his face, quickly becoming a silly grin. "Yeah?"  
  
She nodded.  
  
"Even if…?" he reminded her they didn't know the results of his surgery yet.  
  
She nodded again, even more certain, but not the smile faded.  
  
He pulled her hand closer, and she stood, leaning carefully into his embrace, nestling her head into his neck. She hoped he'd ignore her sigh.  
  
"It's going to be okay." He vowed, kissing her forehead.  
  
"Yeah." She pulled back, making yet another attempt at being the strong one. She nodded, overcompensating for her doubt. 


	54. tomorrow, tomorrow, i'll love you tomorr...

Susan lay back in the strange bed for the last time. Tomorrow Mark could go home – really home. Back to Chicago. Back to reality. Maybe this had all been some cruel dream. But more importantly, tomorrow they'd get his results. They kept putting them off but they'd promised them this time and doctors never make promises unless they know they can keep them. So as a rule, doctors don't make promises. They'd finished all the tests. Pretty much every test known to man, and a few that weren't, Mark insisted. And they had the results. They'd compile them and have their summary ready when Mark was released. Tomorrow.   
  
"Get some sleep." Mark had squeezed her hand goodbye.  
  
"You too." She'd replied mindlessly.   
  
But she wasn't sleeping. Fortunately for Mark, even the tension, the fear, the waiting couldn't keep him awake. Surgery has that effect on you – the body's so busy healing it doesn't save much energy for living.   
  
Tomorrow… only an hour away. Susan looked at the clock wryly. She had a feeling they wouldn't have the summary ready at a minute past midnight. Even if she gave them that whole minute's grace. But is wasn't the waiting that really got to her. It was the fact that at the end of it a person would give them a tiny snippet of information and it would change the rest of Mark's life – however long that might be. And it would change the rest of her life – live or die, he'd changed her life. She'd never just get over him. If he died she might move on, but get over him? She didn't even want to if she had to. She'd rather be miserable and hold onto him.  
  
"Right. It's you and me God. He has never done ANYTHING to deserve this. You let plenty of jerks live comfortable, even happy lives. But NO… you have to pick one of the best pieces of work you ever did and that's the one who gets to suffer. His stupid wife cheats on him. Her loss, but you let him love her in the first place and if he hadn't loved her it wouldn't hurt him. His daughter moves away. Our baby dies. And just when things seem to improve in the slightest… y'know, maybe I could be good for him, maybe we could be happy. And that's when you choose to strike! Why'd you bother then? Why'd you let us have anything good if you're just going to take it away again, cause frankly we'd be better off not knowing what we're missing out on. Why him…?" her voice dropped as the tears started. "Oh God, just let him be okay. Just make him better and… just let him be okay… I'll do anything God just don't hurt him. I love him so much. So much. You can do what you like with me but please let him be okay…" she cried until she ran out of tears.  
  
She was wide awake. She sat up. She needed answers. The medical ones wouldn't come till tomorrow. But there had to be something. 'How does it work God? Aren't you meant to be the good guy? I don't get it.' She picked up the magazines and threw them on the floor. She pulled open the bedside drawer. There it was. Every hotel room has a bible. 'Well, I don't know a thing about this thing. But I'm pretty sure you like the miracle bit and its gonna be a miracle if I find anything in this," she looked at the thickness of the book. She let it fall open in the middle.  
  
"though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death…"  
  
'nice. Oh come on. You can do better than that.' She flicked forward.  
  
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD , "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  
  
'well, that's better. But what if we get bad news tomorrow. That's no hope or future I want any part of.' She sighed, realising she wasn't going to find what she wanted to hear. But something told her to keep looking – she might not get what she wanted to hear, but what she needed to hear. She flicked forward again and it fell open with this highlighted:  
  
"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."  
  
Another sigh. She read over it a few times. 'death won't separate me from the love of God. Well that's something God, but I don't want to be separated from Mark. I need him. Maybe you are good. Maybe you do love me or something. But if you made everything then surely you made love too. So if I love Mark then you gave me that love. Please don't take it away.' She was too tired to argue anymore. 'God, I need to sleep. I'm going to need some energy tomorrow, no matter what happens. Even if he's really sick you could still fix him. But I can't think about it anymore. I just don't have anything left in me. I'm spent.' She flicked off the light. 'Oh, please let him be okay God. I need him to be okay.'  
  
She slept. 


	55. just breath

Susan resolved for the hundredth time that morning that she would be strong. Whatever the outcome. She wasn't separated from the love of God. She wasn't quite sure what that meant but it made her feel better. Not quite so alone.   
  
She entered Mark's room. He was sitting on the side of his bed, in his own clothes, fiddling with something in the bag beside him.  
  
"Hey you." She crossed the room and he stood to kiss her. They broke away with smiles that promised more later. "Any news?"  
  
"They said to come up when we were ready."  
  
"Are we ready?" she took his hands.  
  
He hesitated before nodding. She reached up into a comforting embrace before making their way to the doctor's office.  
  
"As you know the surgery went very well." The doctor began optimistically.  
  
Mark and Susan sat on the other side of his desk, holding hands and searching the doctor's face for answers.  
  
"We have all your test results and we have excellent news. As far as we can see we got it all. As for your continuing treatment, that can be done in Chicago, weekly doctors visits for two months, then monthly visits for four, then bi-annual visits for the next couple of years."  
  
Susan turned to him and found his grin as wide as hers. She shut her eyes and breathed a sigh of relief. The room seemed to spin a bit. She held her hand over her eyes, controlling her breathing, then looked back to Mark who pulled her up and into a victory embrace which they quickly broke to thank the doctor profusely.  
  
The doctor grinned and walked around his desk. He intended to shake hands but got hugs from both of them. "It's been a pleasure. I wish you both the very best. And if I meet you again I hope its under very different circumstances."  
  
"Right back at you." Mark smiled.  
  
Susan was speechless. Mark pulled her out of the office and they walked to the elevators in silence. When the doors closed she looked up at him and shook her head amazed. She pulled him into a protective embrace, so tight she could barely breath. "I love you so much."  
  
"And forever!" he lifted her off her feet excitedly then returned her to the ground to kiss her exuberantly. They broke apart after the elevator doors opened, much to the amusement of passers-by.  
  
"Lets go home." He took her hand.  
  
"Yeah. I'm glad this is over."  
  
"No kidding."  
  
She smiled and watched him as they walked, kissing his shoulder, then his hand, then his cheek.  
  
He laughed at her adoringly and stopped to face her though they stood in the middle of the street. "Thank you."  
  
She looked at him as if to say 'what for?'  
  
"For everything. I know this past couple of weeks has been hell. But you've been…"  
  
She shook her head, "I've been a mess. I wanted to be strong for you but to be perfectly honest I was pretty close to falling apart."  
  
"You've been there every moment I needed you. I couldn't ask for more. You have no idea how amazing you are do you?"  
  
She shut her eyes, not wanting his flattery. "I was expecting the worst. I've been totally gutless. But at least I managed to hide it from you."  
  
"Don't do that. Don't hide. We're in this together."  
  
"Yeah, but you had enough…"  
  
"No. No, don't." He shook his head. "Don't be who you think I want you to be. I…" he kissed her forehead, "Love…" he trailed kisses down her face, over one eye, "You…" he finally met her lips. She wrapped her arms around his neck and let him float her away. 


	56. comic relief

"How'd it go?" Susan was bombarded with questions the moment she entered the ER.  
  
"Good." She smiled, not really prepared for this. Everyone demanded answers, Is he okay? How long does he have? Is it bad? Is he in remission? Are you okay?  
  
The last one was Abby.  
  
She ignored the others and nodded before disappearing into the lounge. She took a deep breath.   
  
"If you write it on the notice board you won't have to repeat it thirty times in the next hour." Abby followed her.  
  
Susan smiled. "At least it's good news."  
  
"Really?" Abby grinned.  
  
"Yeah, he's gonna be fine – well, y'know… he still has to get check ups but the surgery went as well as it could have and he's coming back to work in a couple of days because he's going out of his mind with nothing to do…"  
  
Abby laughed. "Well, that's good to hear. Do you want to do a general announcement or should I?"  
  
"I'll do it." Susan put her bag in her locker and pulled on her coat, yawning.  
  
"You're tired?"  
  
Susan nodded, blinking. "It's been a tough week." She smiled and walked out into the ER.  
  
"I'm going to tell everyone at once and then get on with work." She approached the admin. "The surgery went very well. As far as we know they got it all and Mark will be back at work in a couple of days." She walked toward the board but continued, "Oh, and he'd probably appreciate if you didn't ask him how long he had left."  
  
Susan dropped her bag inside the door and leant back on the door to shut it. What a day. Her general announcement had been missed by several people. And it hadn't really stopped the questions at all. But at least no one asked how long he had left. Well, only once, and she wasn't sure who'd said that so she couldn't throttle them… probably a good thing.  
  
"Susan?" Mark yelled  
  
"Hey." She pushed herself off the door and went to find him.  
  
"Good timing," he slipped his arm around her and kissed her, the smile never leaving his face, "dinner's on the table."  
  
"Aw, this is amazing." She sat down, holding his hand and kissed it before starting her meal.  
  
"I had to do something all day."  
  
"Tell me you did something other than make curry." She smiled, her mouth half full.  
  
"I also made muffins and chocolate brownies and this raspberry sauce stuff that you're apparently meant to pour over the brownies… I dunno. That's what the book said. And I watched 'Greenfingers', this really funny movie, and…" he thought for a moment, "oh, I read the end of Persuasion."  
  
She laughed. "It won't make sense if you don't read the whole thing."  
  
"I did. I just finished it today."  
  
"Really? What did you think?"  
  
"I kind of wish they'd speak like real people, but other than that it is pretty good. Cute."  
  
"Oh gosh. Is that a good thing?"  
  
He nodded. "Though I'm not brave enough to read 'Pride and Prejudice'. I'll save that for the next life threatening illness."  
  
She kicked his foot smiling.  
  
"Don't worry, I'm planning any more in the near future."  
  
"You better not. Do you have any idea the inquisition I had to go through today?"  
  
"Really? That bad huh?"  
  
"Yup."  
  
"Well, I suppose, at least they care." He shrugged. "Mmm, man this is good."  
  
"Even if you do say so yourself."  
  
"Yeah, well, I cheated. I bought the flavour and everything I just followed the instructions. But I'm enjoying it and you can handle my arrogance."  
  
"I'm learning." She teased. "So, this is chicken right?"  
  
"Hey!"  
  
"Oh, you had it coming." She laughed. It turned into a yawn.  
  
"You okay?"  
  
She nodded, "just tired."  
  
"Busy today?"  
  
"No more than usual."  
  
"So completely crazy out-of-control hysteria?"  
  
She laughed. "Thank you."  
  
"What for?"  
  
"For dinner, and for making me laugh and… oh, just for everything. For being alive! For being you!" she laughed. "I dunno. I'm tired, I'm not making sense."  
  
"No, you're not." He leaned across and kissed her, "Mmm, curry."  
  
She laughed.  
  
"Come on. We should have an early night." He put their plates in the sink.  
  
"Mark, it's eight o'clock. We can't go to bed yet."  
  
"Sure we can, we don't have to go to sleep. But I've been on my own all day, watching tv and fluffing around. I want to be with you right now."  
  
"Well, you can't turn down a sick man."  
  
"I'm not sick, I'm healing."  
  
"Well then, we better conserve your energy." She teased.  
  
"Like hell." He pulled her to him a little roughly.  
  
She laughed, giving in. 


	57. off into the sunset

Mark looked across the crowded room. She was stunning. She was surrounded by woman, he was glad it wasn't him. Instead, he stood by Doug, who was quietly getting drunk, having safely delivered his best-man's speech.  
  
"So, where are you going?" Doug tried to get the location of the honeymoon… again.  
  
"You give me a second glass of champagne and all of a sudden I'm supposed to talk like a bad alibi."  
  
"Oh, come on. We won't call you, we won't hunt you down. We're just curious."  
  
"I don't care if you know but Susan can't so I'm doing the smart thing and not risking that you'll talk like a bad alibi, as you've been known to do."  
  
Doug went to defend himself but soon gave up.  
  
"So, have you managed to get a destination out of him?" Carol passed Susan another glass of fruit punch.  
  
"Nope. He's never been so tight-lipped in his life. But I'm not worried, I'm sure it'll be great."  
  
"Yeah, you're in love, you wouldn't notice if you were sharing a sleeping bag in a leaky tent by a fast-rising lake." Carol suggested.  
  
Susan laughed, "Maybe I would be worried, but Mark's not exactly a back-to-nature kinda guy."  
  
"This is true. It'll be a five star hotel in some exotic city probably."  
  
"No, it better not be. We really can't afford that."  
  
"It's once in a lifetime hun. Splash out."  
  
Susan didn't really want anything flashy but she didn't want to sound that hopelessly romantic so she let it slide.  
  
The party soon bored – not because it was a bad party but more because Mark was on the other side of the room and there were far too many other people around and between them. As the girls got entertained by each other's worst-wedding-stories she slipped away and found him.  
  
"Hey," he noticed her and gave her a quick kiss – which was entertaining because he hadn't quite managed to swipe the ridiculous grin off his face first.  
  
She smiled contentedly and wrapped an arm around his waist.  
  
Damn she was stunning. Daisies woven through her hair, gathered satin the colour of old lace wrapped around her body with no hint as to how it stayed there.  
  
"You wanna get out of here?" he whispered into her hair.  
  
She nodded wordlessly and reached up to kiss him.  
  
"I know I've said it before but you…" he spoke between kisses, "look… stunning. Absolutely… breathtaking."  
  
She grinned and toyed with his tie, "You're not so bad yourself." Understatement of the year – damn he was fine in a suit. "So where are we going?" the curiosity was killing her.  
  
"Ah ah." He shook his head.  
  
"Worth a try." She took his hand and turned away. "Do you think we can sneak away?"  
  
"Worth a try. Come on, this way." They headed for the bathrooms but took the fire exit instead. They were laughing running down the tiny dark stairwell hand-in-hand like they were eloping. They taxied to their apartment, got their luggage and got another taxi… to the airport. That meant planes… oh she'd be okay. She'd done it to New York and back but her mind had been otherwise occupied.  
  
The tickets gave away their destination: Hawaii. Of course.  
  
The car rental place at the airport gave them a Ute. "Nice choice" Susan laughed, putting their luggage behind their seats in the cab. The back of the ute was covered with a black tarpaulin. They got in their seats and sat still for a moment.  
  
"I'm exhausted." Susan smiled at him.  
  
"I slept on the plane but go for it and sleep while I drive."  
  
"How far are we going?"  
  
"Not far. You'll see."  
  
"Okay," she yawned as if on cue.  
  
Susan woke when Mark cut the engine.  
  
"Hey sleepy." He smiled at her in the light of the cab.  
  
"Hey. Are we there?"  
  
He nodded. "Are you warm enough?"  
  
"We just came from Chicago in the middle of winter. Of course I'm warm. It's above zero."  
  
"Good." He got out of the cab.   
  
Damn, she was curious. She got out into the dark and followed him around to a beachside cabin. There wasn't a lock on the door. He took her hand, "You've got to see the dawn from here." He turned her around and wrapped his arms around her from behind.  
  
She nodded, "I'm awake now, so how far away is that?"  
  
"Only an hour away."  
  
"Well that's plenty of time." She turned in his arms, running her hands up his chest suggestively.  
  
He laughed and picked her up, carrying her inside.  
  



	58. no words, no breath

He wrapped the sleepy figure beside him in a sheet and carried her to the steps. It hadn't started yet but almost.  
  
She knew what he was doing but she didn't want him to know she was awake. No particular reason. She wanted to see this sunrise – she didn't want to miss it so curiosity pried her eyes open.  
  
"Good morning." He whispered  
  
She smiled and kissed him. "Good morning."  
  
She could quite happily of looked into those eyes all day. Forget the sunrise.  
  
"You're going to miss the show." He pulled his eyes away from hers, turning to the east.  
  
She let her eyes linger on him for just a few more moments then leaned her head on his shoulder. She was so relaxed her eyes would hardly stay open. But then the sun peaked over the horizon. Her breath caught in her throat.  
  
He turned to see her reaction. His breath caught in his throat. Damn… He couldn't take his eyes off her, eyes wide, reflecting a brilliant sky, a simply contented smile gracing those lips – those lips he could kiss whenever he liked for the rest of his life… her hair all ruffled from making love to him, from trying to sleep without moving any further away from him than absolutely necessary. What he couldn't tear his eyes away from was as much this beautiful sight as the remarkable thing that it was - that she so desperately adored him – all that she was that amazed him was more… it was for him. She was his to enjoy. He pulled her closer, sitting a step above her so she sat between his legs. He kissed her bare shoulders. She could barely watch the sunrise for wanting to sink into him, to just disappear. She was so relaxed there.  
  
"I love you Mark," was all she could say. There were speeches that might almost say all that had her stunned into sleepiness but that pretty much covered it.  
  
"I'm glad you like it." He kissed her neck. She'd seen enough. They had many mornings to enjoy the sunrise. She twisted herself around so she was kneeling on the step facing him. She kissed the invisible line up the middle of his chest, his neck, stopping in the hollow before his bottom lip. In one swift movement he lifted her up. She wrapped her legs around his waist finally meeting his lips as he backed through the door.  
  
"Did you grow up here?" She asked him as they walked along the beach.  
  
"Not exactly. But this is the best bit." He kicked the shallow water so it sprayed ahead but the wind pushed it back on them. It was hardly cold but he got the reaction he wanted. She gasped and pushed him deeper. He grabbed her, taking her with him.  
  
When they were both soaked and waist deep in the waves he signed a truce with a kiss. She gave in immediately, loving the taste of salt on his lips. "So where did you grow up?" she pulled him shallower to continue on their walk.  
  
"At the base."  
  
"Oh, come on. I want to know."  
  
He sighed, "Really?"  
  
She nodded like it was a silly question.  
  
"I'll take you there."  
  
"Good." She nodded curtly.  
  
"Damn you're beautiful." He kissed her hand.  
  
"You…" she spun him to face her. "You are…" she kissed him, forgetting what she was going to say.  
  
"I'm what?" he pulled back.  
  
She shook her head slightly, amazement in her eyes. "More than I ever…" she shrugged, not wanting to sound hallmark. A satisfied sigh escaped her lips. "Of everything I've ever wanted, I would never have thought to ask for you – for this… it's more than I could have dreamt up. You amaze me everyday."  
  
"That's going to be hard to keep up."  
  
"No." she shook her head. "Cause mostly it's the normal stuff that you don't even notice. Like these." Her thumb lined the side of his eye, "Smile lines." She grinned cheekily, tiptoeing to kiss them.  
  
"Well wrinkles won't be so hard to keep up. It's getting rid of them that's the trick."  
  
She ignored him. She was serious. She hugged him, kissing his chest where her head lay, just once.  
  
He kissed her hair. "Thank you." 


	59. for richer, for poorer

This is the second to last one reader. I'm going to make it a grand total of sixty chapters. So enjoy!  
  
---------------------------------------------------  
  
"And we end our tour at the mess hall." Mark tried to sound like a tour guide and she let him think he was succeeding. But she still laughed. "Actually you don't want to eat there. Do you want to get something at the lodge?"  
  
She shrugged. "I'm craving camembert."  
  
"As in cheese? I don't think that's on the menu."  
  
"No, but the probably sell it at the grocery store. You want to head back and get room service – by the time I've gone to the store our meals will have arrived."  
  
"Sure. I'll see you soon." He kissed her and let his hand trail from her cheek to her waist before he walked away. She smiled watching him go and then made for the store.  
  
There were tourist guides and maps all over the wall. There was so much to see but Mark knew it all. She wanted to do something to surprise him. Something he wouldn't have done before. So far everything had been his gift to her. She paid for the cheese and looked at the map behind the clerk.  
  
"Where are you from?"  
  
"Chicago. But my husband grew up here. Thanks." She took the change, "Actually, I want to surprise him but I don't know my way around hardly and he lived here for years. Any ideas?"  
  
The clerk shrugged. "I dunno. I mean a lot of the locals don't do a lot of the touristy stuff, but then that might not appeal."  
  
"No, probably not."  
  
"I mean there's a few new tracks – to beaches that have been isolated until recently." The clerk looked through a selection of fliers on the wall, picking out a few and handing them to Susan.  
  
"Thanks. Yeah, good idea. Thank you." She left the shop, hanging the bag from her wrist and skim-reading the first flier. It looked very over done and touristy. They all did. Except for the last one. It was just a black and white photocopy on normal fax paper. It was poor quality with a type-written blurb. There was a cell-phone number and travel directions but no postal address. Susan laughed at the quaintness. Mark was hardly a back-to-nature kind of guy but she had an idea.  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
"Where are we going?" Mark strapped himself into the passenger seat, not sure if he'd put Susan's name on the forms at the rental car place, but he had a feeling that bringing up car insurance might not be as romantic as the prospect of her whisking him off for… who knew what the hell she was up to.  
  
"Here hold this." She handed him her soda and started the engine. "You'll see."  
  
He watched her face, trying to bore the truth out of her with insistent eyes but she wouldn't give in.  
  
"Will you stop that?" she flicked on the radio, avoiding his eyes. "Find some Beach Boys or something equally atmospheric." She teased, focussing on the dark unfamiliar road. She turned off the main road onto a gravel track.  
  
"Where are we going?" he asked as though he hadn't said it before.  
  
"I'm not going to tell you." She met his eyes and instantly regretted it. Fortunately driving took most of her attention.  
  
They stopped with the back of the truck facing a cliff. Mark went to look over at the dark waves over a hundred feet down. "I hope you're not about to reveal an affinity for extreme sports." He joked. He turned back when he got no response and found her pulling the cover off the back of the Ute.  
  
"Here." He unhooked the rope on the other side and it immediately loosened.  
  
"Thanks."  
  
"So what's going on?" he wrapped his arms around her waist, turning her to him though she tried to keep working away.  
  
"Well." She could do the speech now. Cause if he kept looking at her like that then she wasn't going to get much talking down later. "I was thinking… about our vows, you know, in sickness and in health, check. Check. And then there's the for better for worse, and I think we've pretty much covered that too. And then there's the loving and cherishing until death yadda yadda yadda. And I don't see any problem there, but we haven't really tried the for richer for poorer thing." She stepped away and pulled the cover right off the back, letting it fall on the ground at the end.  
  
Mark laughed at the quilted queen mattress sitting in the back of the ute, not sure if she was serious. Not sure if he minded if she was.  
  
"We're not millionaires and I don't mind that we never will be but we're hardly poor. Except tonight we'll have to keep warm the old fashioned way." She grinned.  
  
He laughed and walked over to her. She unlocked the tailgate and let it fall down so she could sit on the tray at the end of the mattress. The lodge had leant her a whole lot of spare bedding and the bed looked like it had been given to the poor but then that was the idea.  
  
"Nice surprise." He stepped between her legs and took her hands chastely.  
  
"Well, you're hard to beat." She rested her forehead on his. "But just you wait till dawn." She pulled back, pointing behind him.  
  
He sat beside her on the tray and undid his laces, kicking his shoes to the ground. He didn't feel like looking at scenery. She was more stunning.   
  
She'd slipped hers off before and sat on the edge of the mattress, looking out into the sky and darkness, just enjoying the moment, trying to take it all in.  
  
He took her fingers in his hand and tugged her toward the array of pillows the lodge had been able to lend them. "The out-doors thing is great but I'm not stripping off until I'm under the covers. It's not summer you know."  
  
"We'll have to do this in summer as well then." She cheekily crawled toward him as he laughed at her. It wasn't a dark night – stars and moon danced on his face as he watched her undress, mesmerized by the similar light on her body.  
  
She wasn't quite up to it though. It wasn't summer and she joined him under the many covers before she could bear to remove another layer. But then she got some eager help.  
  
He was wide-awake an hour later, holding her as she tried not to sleep. She didn't want to miss a moment of this. "It's not fair. You're brilliant and beautiful." He kissed her forehead as she smiled sleepily.  
  
"I love you Mark. More than anything."  
  
He looked at her incredulous. That was the mere thing that never ceased to amaze him.  
  
"I could die like this."  
  
"Not tonight." He kissed her and rested his head on the pillow beside her. She was tired and he should let her sleep. He wanted to do the same but he was alert as ever. The prospect of waking up like this was something he anticipated earnestly. But sleep refused to transport him to morning with its usual speed.  
  
Still, if he must be insomniac then at least he could not-sleep beside this adorable creature. He could watch her smile and know that he was part of the reason for it. Damn, of all the places not to be able to sleep this was pretty much up-there.  
  
Okay, now you have to review and tell me what to put in the last chapter. I've never asked for reviews before but this is your last chance. What do you want to know??? It's reader's choice. If anyone's still reading this... 


	60. its up to you

first real pump for reviews!  
  
okay, one chapter to go, and if anyone is still reading this, sixty chapters later, then please tell me what you want in the last installment. if i get LOTS of ideas then i might not stop. it's up to you.  
  
amy 


	61. Unforgettable

Last Chapter: it's lots of little glimpses with different periods of time between them and lots of jumps but you'll figure it out.  
  
Enjoy!

* * *

The sky was dark blue and paling at the horizon. Susan looked out over the seascape and her breath caught in her chest. Her plans not to wake Mark changed. "You've got to see this." She touched his face and his eyes opened slightly.  
  
He smiled at her, remembering where he was. "Good morning." He pulled her down to kiss her.  
  
"You've got to see this." She helped him sit up and looked out toward the horizon as the sun peaked over the edge.  
  
Mark exhaled with a awed smile. "Wow." He breathed.  
  
"This is why I brought you here." She watched his reaction and nestled closer to him to watch the sunrise in silence.  
  
"Hawaii."

* * *

"Of course." Carol grinned. "That explains the tan." She put her arm beside Susan's then pulled it away. Susan didn't notice. She was smiling at Mark across the ER. "And that explains the grin." Carol followed her eyes.  
  
"What?" Susan hadn't heard her.  
  
Carol just laughed and ducked down the hall into the supply cabinet.  
  
Susan turned looked back to Mark but he'd been sucked into actually working… so she got all conscientious and got back to work as well.  
  
Susan hadn't stopped grinning all day. Carol had thought the glow would fade. And it had. A bit. But she was singing to herself waiting for the electric jug to boil in the lounge only an hour after a mass trauma and Mark wasn't even working tonight. Carol's expectations for love (and all that) were on the rise.  
  
"What are you smiling at?" Doug sat down behind her, exhausted.  
  
She turned around and shook her head still smiling. "Susan's singing. It's nice to see people so happy."  
  
"If not just a little bit sickly."  
  
"I know, you're a sucker for punishment." Carol pretended she had work to do but the place had been quiet for half an hour.  
  
"Na. It's all talk. I want that." He admitted, too tired to play games. Carol didn't want to read into it. She couldn't make the same mistake again, but her chances weren't looking good. Well, more to the point, they were looking too good. For anyone on the wrong end of a double shift he looked too damn good.

* * *

Susan poured her tea down the sink. Why would anyone drink that? It smelt like raspberries and lemon but it tasted like vegetable water. She took a drink of water and returned to the ER.  
  
"Do we both have to be here?" She leant against the counter and looked at Doug.  
  
He held his eyes open dramatically then yawned right on cue.  
  
"Go home Doug. I was about to beg to leave but that's just downright manipulative."  
  
Carol laughed at them.  
  
Doug wasn't about to put up a fight though.  
  
"Sleep well." Susan plonked down in his seat. "Right, what did I miss?"  
  
"Honey, that was the shortest ten minute break not interrupted by a trauma ever. You didn't miss anything."  
  
Susan smiled. "How are things going with Doug?"  
  
Carol shrugged. "But I did notice that you can't stop grinning. Marriage not as bad as the rumours?"  
  
Susan shook her head, her smile turning into a yawn. "It's catching." She covered her mouth. "What time was Doug on till cause I think I accidentally signed up to cover him?"  
  
"Six."  
  
"Oh man."  
  
"Go have a nap, I'll wake you." Carol patted her shoulder and made for the lounge. Coffee would keep her company where her sleepy colleagues failed.

* * *

"Good morning handsome." Susan knelt down beside their bed and ran her fingers down the side of his face.  
  
"Hey." He smiled, "Did you just get home?" he squinted in the light.  
  
She nodded. "Doug was tired so I covered for him."  
  
"You must be exhausted Saint Susan." He reached over for a kiss.  
  
"Yeah. But I'll be fine. Are you on today?"  
  
"Later. At four."  
  
She nodded. "I have to tell you something."  
  
He was awake now and rolled onto his side, facing her, resting his head on one hand. "Yeah?"  
  
She smiled at him, still a little awed by him. "We're pregnant."  
  
His smile broke into a grin and then an overjoyed laugh. "Oh my gosh." He sat up and pulled her up off the floor into a hug.  
  
She was laughing at his reaction. She knew he'd be happy about it but that knowledge didn't take anything away from this joy. She squeezed him tightly to her.  
  
They parted and looked at each other, still smiling.  
  
"Have you talked to anyone in OB/GYN?" Mark's concern showed through his eyes.  
  
She shook her head. "I only found out today. Then we had this mass trauma and I slept through most of this morning in room two and they weren't open yet when I left. I was so anxious to get home and tell you."  
  
He nodded. "Do you think…?" he wasn't sure how to finish that sentence.  
  
"I'll go up today or tomorrow but I'm sure it will be fine. Just cause it wasn't last time doesn't mean…"  
  
He knew that one miscarriage didn't mean that other pregnancies wouldn't reach full term. But he hardly dare hope… who was he kidding? Of course he hoped. "God, I love you." He took her face in his hands protectively. "I won't let anything happen to you. I promise."  
  
She laughed and shook her head but he cut her off with a kiss.

* * *

"Well?" Doug ambushed Mark as soon as he saw him exit the elevator.  
  
"I'm a Dad!" Mark wrapped his friend in a victory hug. "Again." He laughed and stepped back only to be ambushed by a whole array of 'congratulations' and a few more hugs.  
  
"Where are they?"  
  
"42-B. But Susan's sleeping, or trying to."  
  
"Oh, come on! Details." Haleh interrupted the chatter.  
  
"Oh, right." Mark laughed at his own excitement, "It's a boy. He's 8 pound 7. He was born at 11 am. What else?"  
  
"A name?" Doug laughed.  
  
"Oh, um, we're working on it."  
  
And then another whole round of congratulations… and hugs…  
  
"So what exactly are you doing down here?" Haleh asked pointedly as the crowd dispersed.  
  
"I'm meant to be working." Mark duhed.  
  
"Ah ah. We'll call you if there's an emergency but otherwise you have far more important things to do."  
  
"Okay, thanks." He dashed off without another thought.  
  
Haleh just laughed at him and dug a baby card out of her desk to pass around the staff.

* * *

"Hey you." He grinned, running his fingers across her forehead to brush her hair out of her eyes.  
  
"Hey." She smiled sleepily.  
  
"Did you sleep well?"  
  
She nodded. "Did you come up with a name yet?"  
  
"No, but I went downstairs and spread the word."  
  
"Maybe they can come up with something."  
  
He just laughed, "I think that borders on child abuse."  
  
"Hey, come here." She reached out to him with one exhausted arm.  
  
He kissed her hand and she brushed his cheek with the back of her hand, pulling him in for a kiss.  
  
"Maybe you could go get him and we could try to come up with a name?" she lay back down.  
  
Mark nodded, trying to ignore the ache at the back of his throat and the prickles behind his eyes. "I'll be right back."

* * *

"I'll get him." Susan pulled herself from Mark's arms, throwing the covers over his face. Samuel probably needed feeding. Again. She pulled him out of his cot and smiled through her exhaustion as he calmed breastfeeding.  
  
Mark found her asleep in the chair by Sam's cot, with Samuel in her arms and her shirt open down to the waist. He took Samuel carefully and put him lightly back down. Susan woke a bit. "I got it." She mumbled as he picked her up and carried her back to bed. She didn't protest, she just leant into him, her arms around his shoulders.  
  
He put her down and pulled the covers up, lying down beside her and watching her. She sensed his eyes and rolled her head toward him.  
  
"You are watching me." She whispered in her best horror movie voice.  
  
He laughed, "Yep." And kissed her.  
  
"Did Samuel go down okay?"  
  
"You both fell asleep." He touched her cheek, "You're exhausted Susan, get some rest."  
  
"Okay." She whispered letting her eyes shut. "I love you." She mumbled into his chest as he pulled her closer protectively.  
  
Mark's breath caught in his throat… again.

* * *

Susan took an armful of charts and pawned half of them off on med students before strapping a broken collar bone. "Only take it off at night and you won't want to carry anything more than a pencil in that hand for at least two weeks." She signed a prescription for painkillers and headed back to admittance to deposit the chart.  
  
"There's mom."  
  
She recognized Mark's voice and put the charts down, turning to meet them.  
  
"Hey." She smiled and took Samuel from his arms as he kissed her. "What you two been up to?"  
  
"Not much." Mark ruffled the blonde wisps of hair on Samuel's head. "Just eating and cleaning after eating."  
  
Susan laughed and lifted Samuel to look at his face. "No evidence left."  
  
"I try. Well, we should let you get back to work."  
  
"Yeah, there's a stack of work here." She pointed at the files behind her and passed Samuel back to Mark. "Bye baby." She kissed his forehead.  
  
"Where's mine?" Mark pouted.  
  
She laughed at him as a trauma rolled up. "Duty calls."  
  
Mark smiled. "See you tonight." He backed away from the path the gurney would take to trauma one.  
  
Susan followed and gave him a quick kiss. "Thanks for coming." She said sincerely then ran to catch up with the patients.  
  
Samuel was crying from the noise and rush. Mark jigged him up and down and made for the exit.

* * *

They had both cut back on shifts but it was exhausting to try and juggle Samuel, see each other for more than ten minutes and not spend that time sleeping.  
  
"Thanks Carter." Susan waved to Samuel and tried to stop gaping at the enormity of that house. Mark was waiting in the taxi out front. "Damn that place is huge." Susan got back in the cab.  
  
Mark laughed, "You sure about this?"  
  
"Oh, yeah Carter's fine. Unless he loses him. So where are we going?"  
  
"You'll see." Mark took her hand.  
  
"Thank you for this. In case I forget to tell you later." She kissed his shoulder.  
  
"It's the big three, don't thank me."  
  
"Big three?"  
  
"Yeah, well it's not our official anniversary or anything but yesterday was the day I showed up in Pheonix – except three years ago and…" she stopped him with a kiss, surprised she hadn't remembered.  
  
The taxi stopped at tiny café on an almost deserted road overlooking the lake. Mark took her hand, "I was going to open your door."  
  
She smiled and looked up the path at the dark windows, "I think it's shut."  
  
He shook his head. "You'll see."  
  
He opened the door. The place was dark except for one candle-lit table and a roaring fireplace. Susan turned to him and shook her head grinning.

* * *

They were dancing in their kitchen to the light of the microwave reheating Mark's dinner. He'd got home at ten. Not a late shift by definition cause it was this side of midnight. Susan had put Samuel to bed hours ago and was tidying up with her Natalie Cole CD humming away in the kitchen.  
  
The jazzy voice sung out 'Like a song of love that clings to me… How the thought of you does things to me. Never before has someone been more… unforgettable.'  
  
"You amaze me." She pulled back to see his face. "Still. After all these years. And for so many more." She leant in to kiss him.  
  
"I'm not hungry." He picked her up but she pulled away.  
  
"I'm close enough to feel your stomach growling." She laughed and the microwave finished right on cue. "And don't gulp cause you'll get indigestion then you'll be no use to me." She raised her eyebrows suggestively.  
  
"Yes sir." He got himself a knife and fork and put his plate on the table.  
  
"I'm just going to get ready for bed." She disappeared out the door.  
  
He immediately forgot her instructions not to gulp his dinner.  
  
"Good book?" he asked, stopping at the doorway.  
  
"Yes actually. You ate fast." She put it down on the bedside table.  
  
"Yeah, well I was a little distracted by this woman I keep seeing." He crawled across the mattress, sporadically kissing her body until he reached her face and sunk into her kiss.  
  
"Wait." She touched his face adoringly and exhaled. "I love you."

* * *

That's all folks!  
  
And thank you for all the reviews. They're good motivators… not to mention good for the ego. Cheers! 


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